New Beginnings

I had lunch wit Erika yesterday. It was nice. We had a good conversation. She is planning on leaving soon, will miss her. She has been a good friend. She mentioned a few things that made me really think. She said that I can't waste anymore time, If I am bored. To go to school or something else. She said thet I need to find a job that makes money because I don't have kids that would take care of me when I no longer can. Euthanasia is what I responded. We laughed. Both things made me think. I am still thinking.  Then I felt sick. Like really sick. Fatigue, headache, even nausea. I ate something small at dinner and threw it up. I slept and feel a little better today, but not 100%. I do have some stuff to do today. Go to the YFD session at 9. Dentist. Pick up clothes. Coffee with girls. I had a dream with Justin yesterday. It was interesting. First time I think that I dream with him. He was driving and cops got in the back seat. We dropped them off and they kept coming in. Outside ...

I had the weirdest dream that they lost my suitcase. I didn't have any clothes. It was the last day of a trip. I probably thought of that because of Willy and my jersey I still haven't received. I was annoyed. "Uncertainty about ones identity in life, loss of control." Bingo. I keep saying this, I need something else. Biking just isn't doing it for me anymore. But, I read a quote that said if I focus on bettering myself, the answer will come on its own. So, that's what I will do. Read, podcasts, walks, strength, exercise, eat better with no artificial or simple sugars. Let's try that for a little bit.  I'm grateful for... - My health - Having a job I like and is easy for me - Family and friends - Having a relaxing afternoon yesterday

 I had a good day yesterday, and then for some reason got down. Then I talked to mommy and realized it was poppy's death anniversary. I remember the day too. We were all in the apartment like nothing was wrong. Almost like we were used to it. Marcela had left. Patty was leaving soon to be with Lorena. Susi and I stayed. We had ice cream. We watched a show that I liked. I was starting at him. Counting his breaths. And then, one hap was too long. I woke Susi up and we ran to him and gave him a hug as he took his last breath. Makes me sad to think about it, and it's been 5 years. He could be alive still if he didn't do the treatment, maybe. Maybe not. It wouldn't have been much of a life though. He was depressed. He wasn't happy. I understand, though. He went through trauma. And alcohol helped him get through it. He had a hard life as a kid. His dad didn't love him. He loved his sister. Poppy's whole life was about competition. Trying to be the best. Sounds fam...

I kept saying no in my dreams. It was like I was trying to make people mad. No to funding. No to thing a desert on a bus. Why do I keep saying no, why do I want to. I think I was thinking about yesterday and Isa. I feel like sometimes it's not fair for others to get what they want. I wonder where I get that from. Fairness has always been important to me so there is that. I have been thinking of stepping it up with fitness. Lift weights until December at least. Maybe cross fit for the community piece. No more sugar too. Haha...there you go. No.  I'm grateful for... - family - talking to Nito yesterday - life - my back getting a little better - my health - my mammogram being perfect  - sonja

I'm sleeping a lot again. Which is good. My body needs it, badly. I think I am caught up from the jet lag. Took long enough, geez. I am feeling better. Today is another day. Justin said I was needier. That's funny to hear. Me needy. Although I was pretty needy with Peter, especially when I didn't have a job. It's not needy, it's bored. I need something to sink my teeth into. what is it? Whatever it is, it is tie to start. Just start, Anni. Start. Consultancy with pilates, menopause, nutrition. Buy a place to rent. Write a book. Spiritual practice. Just move. Act. Go for it. Biking can't be everything. And work isn't enough. You have three years. Three years of your life. Just start.  I'm grateful for... - Justin - Family  - Friends - My job - My health

I'm feeling a bit lost again. A little bit in a funk. Majorca was too short. I could have used another week of vacation. That's ok, I will take my birthday week off this year. Need to start planning. I have a long weekend coming up in July that will help too. I'm so over work too. I just want to know already. It could be a while until we do, though. I am gaining weight. Not sure how since I workout so much. Hormonal changes for sure. I need to stop eating so much sugar. No more sugar. That isn't helping. Maybe more pilates will help. Three times minimum. I can use my own for more classes a week. I noticed the belly in Majorca. Here I don't ever show my stomach. It's bloated. Sugar isn't helping, but hormones mostly I bet. Imagine if I didn't exercise this much, geez. I know the diet I need to follow. Whole food, paleo, clean. It's simple. I cheat a little with those bars. And of course with gummies and candy every so often. That is easy to stop. More...