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He called

Justin called me yesterday. I was home and saw his name and worried that it might be something serious. That was the agreement. Call when something is wrong. Nothing was wrong but he updated me on his stomach appointment. We talked more and more. Then I asked myself why are we punishing ourselves. He meets that deep connection I need. Why do I have to separate from it. I guess because I was starting to imagine him as the one, and he isn't, anyways, let's see what happens between now and November. I was starting to move on. I can get there again. I know I can. This is helping me search for other things. Prioritize other things. Maybe even meet new people. Elizabeth said something interesting the other day. she said that being able to have that deep connection quickly is a good thing, but can also be bad because you draw people in too quickly who may not be the person for you. She also said that people who live overseas seem to have that challenge of connecting with friends at ho...
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Day 1

I had a little bit of a hard time yesterday. I think because I had too much time on my hands. I will have to change that moving forward. Normally I would have gone on a ride, but I am being careful with my hip which is also important. I invited Ruth to lunch and we chatted. She has a pure soul. She is kind. I like her energy. I can't get stuck in this staying home and watching tv though. I need to get out more. I will. Question is do I want a dog. Or can I do it in other ways. I don't want to procrastinate too much. But I do feel like I could use something else in my life. Maybe I will volunteer. That could be interesting. I wonder how I can do that.  I'm grateful for... - life - my health physically, emotionally, mentally - hope for healing - my mental strength - being in this hotel and doing classes
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One month break

I did it. I had the conversation. We did. We are taking a no contact break for one month and then we will reassess. I will be ok. I feel that I will. I am hopeful that we can be friends again. That we can have each other in our lives. November 11 is what we decided. It's for the best. I love him as a friend and I want that back. We just need to break this habit. That's all. In the meantime I will focus on me and he will focus on him. It will be good. I miss talking to him but it was a habit. It was keeping me from including other people in my life. It wasn't what Elizabeth said. She said 3-6 months. And maybe it becomes that. But, for now one month is good. Im happy with that. I'm grateful for... - Patty - Letting Justin go - Friends like Jenny and Sonja - Hope for healing - My health mentally, physically, nd emotionally
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45 Lessons at 45

              1.          Trust your instincts, but verify when something feels off               2.           You can’t choose your family, but you can choose who you get close to               3.           Cherish moments with kids—they forget when they get older               4.           You can start a fire with Doritos or Cheetos (survival tip!)               5.           Fear is a good thing—feel it and do it anyway, let it guide you        ...
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Sick again

Yesterday I had diaharrea all day. Must have been something I ate. All day, couldn't hold much down and laid on the couch all day. This morning I feel better. I will ride with Ruth and gang, and see how I feel. I can't stop and rest all day. That will kill me. I will go slow. I will focus. I will smile. I need to smile. Yesterday Trump started a war with Iran. He is out of control. Me and Justin haven't been able to talk much. I am realizing how special he is though. I have this judgement from the outside, and I just want to be with him, I might start looking at other jobs. get closer to him. He is what I need. I'm grateful for... - life - my health - my job - 
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Erika

I had lunch wit Erika yesterday. It was nice. We had a good conversation. She is planning on leaving soon, will miss her. She has been a good friend. She mentioned a few things that made me really think. She said that I can't waste anymore time, If I am bored. To go to school or something else. She said thet I need to find a job that makes money because I don't have kids that would take care of me when I no longer can. Euthanasia is what I responded. We laughed. Both things made me think. I am still thinking.  Then I felt sick. Like really sick. Fatigue, headache, even nausea. I ate something small at dinner and threw it up. I slept and feel a little better today, but not 100%. I do have some stuff to do today. Go to the YFD session at 9. Dentist. Pick up clothes. Coffee with girls. I had a dream with Justin yesterday. It was interesting. First time I think that I dream with him. He was driving and cops got in the back seat. We dropped them off and they kept coming in. Outside ...
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Focus on Me

I had the weirdest dream that they lost my suitcase. I didn't have any clothes. It was the last day of a trip. I probably thought of that because of Willy and my jersey I still haven't received. I was annoyed. "Uncertainty about ones identity in life, loss of control." Bingo. I keep saying this, I need something else. Biking just isn't doing it for me anymore. But, I read a quote that said if I focus on bettering myself, the answer will come on its own. So, that's what I will do. Read, podcasts, walks, strength, exercise, eat better with no artificial or simple sugars. Let's try that for a little bit.  I'm grateful for... - My health - Having a job I like and is easy for me - Family and friends - Having a relaxing afternoon yesterday
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