New Beginnings

I am discombobulated, In this transition, with one foot back in Panama. I miss Panama. I also miss my routine. The focus now is how to get that back. Routine. Comfort, Stability. Familiar faces. So how do we get there? We fight. We try. We try harder. We get out of our heads. We get help. Self care. Love. We are kind to ourselves. I missed country team and got mad at myself. It happens. I am sick and it's escalating everything else. I will get better. Life is short, Anni. Take this as an opportunity. A time to learn about yourself and a new country. A new culture, New experiences. Don't fight it. Embrace it. Embrace the change. You have so much to look forward to. Hikes to big mountains, visits to new places, new cycling adventures, outdoors everywhere, new team to work with. How do we take care of ourselves through the change? We find a Chiro, a masseuse, pilates, a new apartment, a car, a therapist or shaman.  I am grateful for.. - Justin and how much he cares about me - fami...

I talked to Marcela for a little bit yesterday, and somehow we ended up taking about my therapy sessions, and dreams, and she said she was sexually assaulted. She mentioned it was him, the one mommy mentioned poppy was worried about. The guy with three fingers. I don't remember him. He had red underwear and picked up Marcela and leaned her against his dic several times. She said it was hard. She told mommy, and then told her not to tell. She never saw him again. She was 9 so I must have been 7. Red from the balloon. Marcela from my dreams. There it is. Where do I come in though? Did this happen to me?  I had a bad night last night. I got sick all over again it seemed. It feels like covid, but maybe the flu. I am still feeling pretty sick now. Must be the flu. I hope it leaves my body soon. Yesterday I told my direct reports that I we had to cut staff. They weren't happy, angry even at HQ. Rightly so.  I'm grateful for... - family - love - Justin - doing to Ecuador soon - ne...

Yesterday wasn't a good day. I'm sick. The good news is that It explains why I was so tired. I thought jet lag was just taking too long. I also can't bike anyways so I don't feel like I'm losing another week. Hopefully by Monday I will feel better. Right now I just want to rest. Be kind to myself. 

I want to start writing again, It's good for me. Journaling. Too many thoughts in this mind. In this heart. It's raining. I am on my 6th day of jet lag and still feeling it. A little less this morning. I had an amazing trip in Japan, I want to go back, missing it a lot. Especially the food and purity of the culture. It was a great trip and so glad I did it. Now, it's time to focus on Ecuador. That will be great too. I will make it great, with my apartment close to CANVOL, riding groups, etc. I don't need to be close to the city.  I'm grateful for... - family - Justin - work - my health

 I had 2 dreams that were vivid lately. Red balloon that wanted to have sex with me and I felt uncomfortable. Susi was behind it and I caught her, I screamed, why are you doing this to me. Why are you hurting me, I found pictures of mommy on a horse and put together that she left home when we were little in 1994 (I was 14), to ride horses to help with her depression, I remembered that she was depressed.

 I had a dream I was in charge of watching kids, and the number kept growing. There were 38, and I was feeling like I was losing control. Marcela called me and said that we were safe, but things were bad. Apparently, all of the others were in the war room with her while I was in charge of watching the kids.

I had a dream I hit a fire hydrant at this place that was borderline shady. Two cops came up to my car and I told them I worked with the embassy. They let me go, her more than him. He asked me for a few documents but she was less worried. She looked fit, so I asked if she worked out and she said she was a swimmer. I said, "since I have you guys can I ask you for advice? My car was stolen from a garage, and I haven't heard from the police yet."  Now how is that possible? To carry over a dream from before? Then I went inside and met these people. One of the guys asked said he had something for me, and gave me a vest to keep warm. We kissed, he was a bad kisser. I left and then realized that I had to be back to where I came from to leave at 10:30 for a flight at 1. I got back late and Melissa who was my roommate had all my stuff layed out for me. I saw mafe and shelle. Shelley said I wouldn't make it and that they left. I felt ok with it.  HYDRANT Seeing a fire hydrant i...