New Beginnings

My arm is healing I think. It hurts less when I wake up, which is a good sign. I am so tired of this sling though. It makes my arm sore. I am trying not to rush this process, but man do I want to heal already. I have this feeling like I did when I broke my pelvis in that I want this feeling to last. Slow mornings, relaxed, calm, no urgency to get on the bike or do hard things. I need to hold on to that. I thought about George a lot yesterday, actually wanted to write him but I was strong. I can't believe it wasn't even 4 months and I feel this way still. It really took a toll on me. The nervous system has a way of holding on. I wonder what his other wives and girlfriends were like. If the saw the pattern and ran too, or if the are what he said they were like. I wonder even if Dome's mom even has bi-polar.  Now I need to stay focused on myself. I want to write my book, start my passion projects, climb summits, go to DC, spend time with Jean, go home for Christmas. Maybe star...

I am feeling better, ore free. More certain. More empowered. I had a really good day yesterday. Waking up to Papallacta, birthday rose and treat with a candle from staff, hot springs, massage,  hot springs, reading. And then home. Then the trainer, then fisio, then friends. Caro, Cris, Fer, Vi. It was the perfect celebraton. Relaxing, social connection. All I really needed. All I need. George wrote and that was triggering, but he pulls on my heart a little less each time. I am staying strong. I wrote a letter about my pattern I am ending. I burned it in my balcony when I got home. I watched it burn. I felt the pain, not just from me but everyone before me. Poppy, Tia Nana, Omie. I felt it. I feel good about this year. I don't think the pacific islands ar ein y future, I don't think the universe wants that for me. But, Ecuador still has a lot to offer. Summits, rides, friends, adventure, rewarding work. New hobbies. And when it is time I will move on to something else. Build a h...

It's my birthday. Today I turn 46. I can hear the birds chirping outside my window in Papallacta. I treated myself because I deserve that. I deserve care and tenderness and needed nature. I haven't had it easy, but I'm starting to see the light and meaning of all of this. Italy, first accident, second accident with broke shoulder. Breaking up with George. It's been a lot. I had some good stuff though, too, I climbed Cotopaxi, I put mysef out there again. I excelled on the bike and did Gravel Fest, I made some really good friends, Cris and Andrea and Caro and Vi and Fer. That is something to be grateful for. I lived. I took on challenges bigger than myself, I was vulnerable with men. But, most of all, I ended an unhealthy pattern that wasn't serving me anymore. The unhealthy pattern of letting men in my life that were making me feel limitied, and small, and without boundaries. George. I ended it waith someone I thought I could be with. I called it, listened to the al...

Patty said she had a good dream with poppy the other night. I never do. He's always mad, or sick, or frustrated. He's quiet, but that's what I dream about. I wish it were different, but this is just a sign that maybe I do still have underlying issues with him. I haven't forgave him yet. I don't forgive him for  teaching me that I am unloveable, that I'm not enough, that there is always something wrong with me. That I have to prove myself to him and others. That I'm not worthy. That I'm still single because of him. That I can't find a partner. That when I do I'm scared to death that they will reject me. That when they get close I push them away. Because he did.  I'm trying though. I'm meeting people. I'm connecting. I'm on bumble. I do wonder if I chose this life overseas to protect myself. Less of a chance to be close to someone. More of a an excuse to be alone. I have to be careful, though. I seem to have developed feelings for S...

So embarrassing. I was vulnerable. I interpretated his message wrong. I must be wanting something else, something more. To be loved. A relationship. I tool lets watch something together as let's be together. So embarrassing. But, that's ok. I will still talk to him. I won't sabotage it this time. I won't let it weigh on me. I will just laugh it off and be vulnerable. That's what life is about. Just be what you are. And right now, I feel vulnerable with him. That's ok. I really don't think it will turn into anything anyways. He's there without a concrete plan to come here. I have my life too. He lives in Medellin. We will see how the cards play out. In the meantime, I will continue to date. See what happens. Go from there.  As for Justin, I need to stop talking to him. I only do it because I'm lonely. Not because I have feelings. I am still resentful from when we were in Dominican Republic. I need to tell him this weekend. It's important so he doe...

I had another disturbing dream where poppy was the villain. He was angry, he was know for being angry. I wish this would go away, but I don't think it will until I resolve these issues about him. And I don't think Elizabeth will help me get there. Maybe Ayahuasca will. I've tried therapy. There is something lingering. There is something I am still holding on to. Something holding me back. Something making me feel so insecure with other men. I want a relationship, I do. I really do. But, I am so scared I won't ever have that if I don't get to the bottom of this.  I had a conversation in person and over chat with Felipe. I am not eating enough. That's clear. I am going to see what I can do to eat more on the bike, and see what happens. I don't want to lose my period again. I want my bone strength to get better. So, that's what I will do. I will focus on this. No need to look for something else, I can dive into this. Perhaps a course. Perhaps a nutritionist...