New Beginnings

So embarrassing. I was vulnerable. I interpretated his message wrong. I must be wanting something else, something more. To be loved. A relationship. I tool lets watch something together as let's be together. So embarrassing. But, that's ok. I will still talk to him. I won't sabotage it this time. I won't let it weigh on me. I will just laugh it off and be vulnerable. That's what life is about. Just be what you are. And right now, I feel vulnerable with him. That's ok. I really don't think it will turn into anything anyways. He's there without a concrete plan to come here. I have my life too. He lives in Medellin. We will see how the cards play out. In the meantime, I will continue to date. See what happens. Go from there.  As for Justin, I need to stop talking to him. I only do it because I'm lonely. Not because I have feelings. I am still resentful from when we were in Dominican Republic. I need to tell him this weekend. It's important so he doe...

I had another disturbing dream where poppy was the villain. He was angry, he was know for being angry. I wish this would go away, but I don't think it will until I resolve these issues about him. And I don't think Elizabeth will help me get there. Maybe Ayahuasca will. I've tried therapy. There is something lingering. There is something I am still holding on to. Something holding me back. Something making me feel so insecure with other men. I want a relationship, I do. I really do. But, I am so scared I won't ever have that if I don't get to the bottom of this.  I had a conversation in person and over chat with Felipe. I am not eating enough. That's clear. I am going to see what I can do to eat more on the bike, and see what happens. I don't want to lose my period again. I want my bone strength to get better. So, that's what I will do. I will focus on this. No need to look for something else, I can dive into this. Perhaps a course. Perhaps a nutritionist...

I kept repeating this to myself when I woke up. It was a dream, but I couldn't stop repeating it. Over and over again. Steven said it to me, and Marcela was there and also asked if I was friends with the people I've dated. As if I had a problem. There was something about me doing something that everyone was talking about. I was sad, I left sad. But, I get stuck on the unloveable part. If I dreamt it I must think that about myself. Sergio said he was coming to Quito in 8 days and almost suprised me earlier. I got tense, I got excited, I got nervous. I immediately started to think of all the things wrong with me. My teeth, my wrinkles, how he would be unfaithful, how he would spend the night and then leave, how it would be too complicated to keep going. Instead I just need to see this as a friend coming for a few days, and let's see where it takes us. It's just as much of my decision as his. I googled dating Colombians and lost interest when I read they were unfaithful. I...

It's Sunday. I had a good week. I was busy, I was productive, I bonded with the trainees. I went on a ride with Lost Titos, and got dropped at the end. I stayed with Lenin and we rode back together. It was a good ride. I am starting to notice that Ruth isn't that great of a cycling partner, she gets fixated on Nilson's wheel and doesn't look back. I'm also kind of over the Titos. It will be good to get a sense of what gravel fest will be like today. Hopefully not technical at all. Let's see. I went of a a long walk yesterday to the grocery store and it was nice. The weather was amazing. Cool, spring weather. I also talked to Sonja, which was good. I told her about all my guys. Today will take all day, so I just need to enjoy it. And then another week starts. Here we go again. I talked to Justin yesterday. I need to tell him again we can only be friends. He does this to himself. I was annoyed by him, I am realizing I really do't want anything else. That chapt...

I'm going on a ride with Fer today. It should be good. I like hanging out with her. I have a new friend, like Sonja. Tomorrow should be interesting. It's funny how Andre's comment about margaritas made me anxious. I haven't talked to mommy in a while. I can call her this week. It's been a busy week, but a good one. I like being busy at work. I need that. Hopefully that will continue. I am still talking to Sergio. He's almost at this destination, Ushuaia. I wonder if he will come back to Quito to meet me. I like him. I don't want to get my hopes up though. I have to keep trying on bumble. Things didn't work out with Sebas, but at least I got a second date. I am not going to overthink why there wasn't a third, and I will settle with he is just too busy. That's all that was. Weird though, not one message. It's probably for the best.  I read somewhere that when you are about to go through a big change, the universe tests you. I wonder if it's...

I had a good day yesterday. I like helping. I really do. I helped the trainees, I bought them lunch after our bike talk. I do enjoy spending time with them. So much energy, innocence, hope. I helped Alfonso too with the helmets. Let's see how many go with me today. I spoke less with Sergio, gave him space. He is still writing, checking in, saying goodnight. That's a good thing. Consistency. It's important to feel wanted. And he is so good at that. I looked back at our texts, we started with WhatsApp on February 26. That's almost a three weeks now of talking every day. I like him. I also like that he doesn't come on so strong. Mentions friends, heart shaped emojis, but nothing else. We are both protecting ourselves. But, I am realizing that coming on strong isn't a good thing. Sure, it makes me feel good. It makes me feel validated. But, it's not real. It's not love. They don't know me yet. How could they love me? How could they even like me? Sergio i...