New Beginnings

I had the weirdest dream. The freedom diaries piece came out and I made mistakes with what I said and this group of guys were making fun of it in the video. It was more like a mocking video than professional. It was weird. I felt small. I wonder why I would feel small now. The mockers belong to my own mind. My inner critics. And I say that plural because it's not just one, feels like many. Perhaps they are surfacing for me to shut them down. Because I won't let them exist anymore. I am enough. I am worthy. I can make mistakes and still be enough. So fuck them. That's the work that I'm still doing. Being more kind to myself. Letting myself fail and laugh about it.  I was writing to Claude yesterday about George and the things that I didn't;'t mention before like the money and 3 marriages. It was good to be reminded of the full picture. It was also good to remember that his exes were always the villain. Maybe I will be too. The one that couldn't handle his str...

I didn't sleep well. I found myself tossing and turning. I don't know why, maybe my dream. I woke up with a headache too, which is strange. I haven't had that in a while. I had a long day yesterday, fission at night. It messed up my whole routine. But, I had to do it. And we did bands which is good. Every session a little more. I will probably switch after we finish and I'm back from FACT. The drive is exhausting. I listened to a ted talk about break ups when I was there. Something he said got to me. That 41% of people who have had breakups and are sad still think it was a positive thing. He goes on to say that if you are in an unhealthy relationship or one that impoverishes you, when you break up you will do the things you loved and feel like you are thriving into yourself. I feel that. So I think he was impoverishing me. I know he was a weight. I still miss hm though but that will go away with time. I am proud of myself for staying strong through this and my injury, F...

I had a dream, lots of dreams last night. The were vivid. I woke up to pee and was so tired. One of them was with papi. He was watching me participate in a class of some sort. I knew he was there behind me. He didn't say anything, he never does in my dream. He was just there. I talked to Maria Elena for a while yesterday. It was good, her daughter went through something similar. I think I finally touched the wound with George. It opened up. And then it was just me and my wound for 6 weeks. So, I need to keep working on it. I was carrying something that wasn't mine. I was put in a role to achieve and be strong, and maybe that wasn't me. I was ignored my mommy when I should have been protected. That's the wound. And now I see what's familiar instead of what's me. Traveling for work and instability, extreme adventures, men that remind me of papi. But, now I know this. And I want stability. I want my little house and bike group and community. I want a job where I ca...

I had a good day yesterday. Went for a walk in metro with Fer and Chris, did the trainer, went to the club with Fer and we ate lunch and spent time in the pool. I got home and relazed, went for another walk, and talked to mommy. I still talk about George. He is still on the front of my mind. But, that's ok. I knew he would be hard to let go. It's the feeling of being chosen that I miss the most. How loveable he was. I am grieving that part mostly. I keep looking for reasons to justify my decision and I am tired of it. I made the right decision. Trust that. Just trust that Anni. Now I need to move on. And the only way to do that is to block him from instagram. Vut him out of my life. My pattern is to go back to him, or try to be friends with him. I want to. I really do. I want to show up at his place. I want to kiss him, But, we can't go back. Because then he would still have his financial problems, he would still be living in that place, he would still want to see me more t...

I had a little set back yesterday. It happened on my walk to my massage. It was Jay Shetty about people who drain you. Everything made sense when I thought about George, but then he says you don't have to defriend them. You can still be friends with them because connection is important and not every relationship is easy. That hurt. He wasn't talking about romantic relationships though, like partners. You can't take breaks from that. But, still, he got me thinking a lot about how I feel like maybe I gave up too soon, But what's interesting is that I keep doing this, looking for something external to justify my decision. My talk with Majo, Vicky on the way back from the movies, podcasts, research on how long people who are anxious love bomb. I feel better, than I feel worse, then I feel better depending on what is out there. That's me trying to justify my decision, always. But, here's the thing, Anni. You know you made the right decision. So, the work is trusting ...

At the very end of my day yesterday when I was still missing George, I looked up something that helped me a lot. I asked AI how long the love bombing lasts for men with anxious attachment. And there it was, doesn't last more than 6 months. I knew it. He was already leaning towards manipulation and accusing me of not loving him the same way at month almost 4. Elizabeth mentioned that  it wouldn't last forever, but somehow I thought it would. I thought that maybe I was losing a love I've never had. But they were just words, not actions. He didn't respect my boundaries, and I forgive him for that because I know he couldn't. He wasn't capable. His anxious attachment wouldn't allow it. I was willing to work with him on this, but I don't think it would have helped. I was feeling drained. He was desperate to be connected to me. I remember when we made up I even said I wanted a glass of wine, and he wanted to come back to my place and have sex. He had needs, dee...