New Beginnings

I had a session with Elizabeth yesterday. It was good. It's getting better. I still think about what Jenny said about finding someone who can help heal my trauma. We don't go deep, but that's ok right now. Eventually I will have to find a way to heal this wound. She is a problem solver like me. We talked about Justin and how I did try to have the separation and it didn't work. I tried. We failed. He called. I called. But after talking to Jenny yesterday and seeing what Tim is doing to her I am more sure I can't talk to Justin. I hurt him. I played games. I was unstable. I think he finally realized that. That I was damaged in some way like Jenny thinks of Tim. I don't want to be friends with someone who thinks I'm hurting them or did. It could also just me simply what Elizabeth says. He just wasn't the right fit. So simple. Regardless, I am clear now. Done with thinking about being friends with Justin. No more of that. Let's see how I feel and where I...

I had a dream I missed Guangopolo. They came to my house, we started late. I kept having to get stuff. Then, last minute I went back upstairs to tell Ann and Robert (my boss) that I was feeling sick and was going to be late. I went back down and they were gone. I was upset. I think with this Ambato trip I canceled, I'm feeling like I am missing an opportunity. That's been bothering me. But, if I do go I will feel like I missed an opportunity to see Edwin and do well in the 200K. I Willa always be missing out on something. Trust your decisions, Anni. I'm grateful for... - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - My job - Family and talking to Susi again

I talked to Peter yesterday. It was triggering when he talked about Mary, how she was living rent free and saving money and makes a lot of money. I was jealous, not of being with him but of them. I always pictured myself with someone successful. Where the two of us would be well off with out kids. I don't know how likely that is now, but I still have hope. It could still happen. I hope. I could use a partner, someone even like Felipe that is as crazy as I am. Where we go on trips together. Adventurous. That is more important than successful. As long as he can stand on his own feet. Not like Justin who was lost and followed me around like a puppy. Not like Peter who was lost emotionally and not sure about me. He needs to be sure about me wherever he is.  I don't think I will go to Ambato. I want to see Edwinn instead, and be well trained for culebra. I want to do well. Ambato will be ok, but I'm kind of over that group. They gossip too much, and I am not that into it. I can ...

I feel lucky. I have my family. Sisters that love me. Patty as my best friend. Life. Friends. A great job. A place to live that's nice. y health. A cyclig community. Financial security. All that is missing is love, but that's ok. I don't know if I'm ready sometimes. I need to heal more I think. There is something missing. Something I'm not remembering. Marcela reached out yesterday reminding me of my friend Annie when I was like 6. I don't remember much. I was that age though 5 or 6 when teh healers tell me I was sexually assaulted. I wonder where that was. She had lots of brothers. That I remember. They were playful. I am adjusting to teh altitude again. Headache. I am thinking about Ayaguasca again. Maybe this is my year. Let's see what Andrea says. If she has a good session maybe I will consider it. I think it might be the healing journey I need. I'm grateful for... - Life - Friends - Financial security - Family - My health physically mentally and emo...

Well, I did it. I proved myself wrong again. I have to remember this. Push myself because it always turns out ok. It was great to see Andrea and Jenny and we got closer. I had my space. I was able to bike. I know they judged me for it a little, but I don't care. I needed space for 10 days and I was preemptive about it. I biked almost every day, which is not what I expected. The start was a little weird getting used to their habits, like Jenny's slurping and how they both eat with their mouths open. I don't feel so bad not doing the race either. In the end, I got to do a great ride on my own and they only were 3 hours. Galapagos was fun. Scuba was amazing with all the sharks and I wasn't nervous this time. I was reminded of when I tried to scuba with Peter. It was bad. I couldn't breathe. I was having the first signs of my breakdown I think. I know. That was August and I broke down in November. Only a couple months after that. The hip pain when I got back did it. I w...

We are in day 3. Jenny and Andrea did the race yesterday and I rode. It was a nice ride. I really did enjoy it. Safe, pretty, rolling hills. The best part was I that I was riding and I had my space. This trip feels a little like work to be honest. I don't feel relaxed at all, yet. Hopefully I will in the Galapagos. The truth is I only feel relaxed when I am riding on vacation. If not it's all logistics. I know that, too., This is different because they are here. So, I just need to Make the best of it. enjoy my time with them. And learn from it. Next time make it shorter, or go somewhere where I don't have to host.  It's funny too because I haven't been around people like this in a while. Justin was my only practice, and he was a good guest. But, I am noticing that it wasn't just Justin. It's everyone. Jenny eats loudly, so does Andrea. Just laying next to Jenny watching that movie was so annoying. She smacks her lips. At dinner she slurps her soup. Justin di...