New Beginnings

It's 5:15. I woke up early again. I always do. I spent a lot of time with Andrea and Jenny yesterday. It was ok. I still can't relax or disconnect but I think that's because I am still in hostess mode. Yesterday was just ok. They didn't appreciate the Centro historio that much and dinner was a bust, but Jenny picked it. Today we will hike and then go to the race. I will ride there on my own, which is fine. I could use the space. I am going to bike today, probably the trainer. I don't need to ride outside today. I really want to go to the bathroom. I am off there for some reason. I think it's because I'm stressed. I can't relax. Relax, Anni. This is your vacation too. They don't care if I bike. I had a dream Marcela was leaving and I was busy trying to date two guys. Was funny. They were younger than me and not promising. I want to date someone. I feel ready. I think. I hope Kavita doesn't push on Samoa. I don't want to go. I don't want to...

Ok get excited. Jenny and Andrea will be here tomorrow. I am not excited. In fact I feel the same way I did when Justin came. Maybe it wasn't Justin after all. It's me. I'm the damaged one that doesn't know how to share space. That gets excited until it gets close. I wouldn't feel this way if it were Patty. She wouldn't care if I biked either. Either would Sonja. Maybe it's just finding the right breaks. I am noticing that I need cycling. It masks something. It calms a part of me. Like a drug. Interesting part is it is cycling with people that I crave. Not alone. I could also see it as a passion. I could research others that have this dilemma. I could see it as a good thing. A form of exercise. A passion. A desire. A reason to live. A positive drug. I looked up a blog post from last year when I talked to Kat and found this. Bingo.  We talked about how I am different, an alien in a way. And that I have a high energy usually that's hard to keep up in this ...

I should stop scrolling so much. Maybe give myself a limit because it's healthy to a point. 5 minutes. Just like when I was googling my injuries. It stopped after a while. It worked. So there it is. 5 minutes. No more scrolling after that because I need that time for other things. More productive things. I had a nice relaxing day yesterday. It was good after Saturday's ride to Cayambe. I felt ok, but I think I was tired. I woke up and didn't really feel like riding. Then, it was raining and Fer and I went back and fourth and eventually decided not to ride. Sonja called, which was nice. I have so much energy first thing in the morning. we talked about my health business idea. I think I'm going to learn more. Get a certification. Take a course. Get a credential. I love learning about health. Like Sonja said, I love talking about it. I always have. Health and exercise. So there it is. I will start doing that during work hours. Build my side hustle in the next two years. I ...

This bible thing is not working. I don't think I want to keep doing it. It's just attracting weird people. And I am tired of first dates, not wanting to adjust my schedule to meet them, it's weird. I just want to meet someone naturally. In my daily life, at work. Run into someone and feel a spark. At the embassy. Just somewhere else. This is exhausting.  As for this guy Remco, he seems nice but I'm not in the mood. I don't want to skip swimming. Let's think about it on my ride I guess. I hate that feeling of what if. What if I miss something he will say. I know there won't be a future. He lives in the Netherlands, but who knows. He could lead me somewhere. It comes down more to what do I want to do. That's more of the question. Start there.  I'm grateful for... - Life - Love and hope for it - My conversation with Peter Friday - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally

I found out yesterday that I will get extended, word of mouth but I believe it. So, I can bank on 2.5 more years. That's a good thing. Gives m more time. I also heard I might be asked to go to Mexico. I like the idea that they thought of me, seeing a new country, and helping a team, but I do like it here. I have friends finally and I am not done exploring. Let's see if they ask me.  Jenny and Andrea are coming next week. I am starting to get anxious about them being here so long. Similar to when Justin would come. It will be fine, but 10 days seems like a lot. I will create my own space though, I'll bike when I can. Ten days straight is a lot when we are together all the time. Andrea annoys me sometimes. Maybe this time will be different. If I can't do 10 days with my friends something is wrong with me. This is a good thing because I can get used to being around people. I didn't realize it wa sho much time until it got close.  I'm grateful for... - Life - My hea...

I had the weirdest dream. There was a 13km swim through caves and we had to keep our heads down because there were officers lines up on top of us. Probably me thinking of Ice. Anyways, I kept getting lost. Someone I was with put on flippers and I couldn't keep up. It was hard and felt punitive, but also a race or event. I also had to catch a flight after and was worried I would be late. I ended up in the beginning again some how and some guy helped me get back to 10k. I found out later he was the winner of previous years. Last thing that happened before I woke up was that we went in again at 11k I think. Water represents emotions. I was in an event, feeling good, then I got turned around and had a set back. I think this all has to do with not knowing if I'm extending or what I will do after Peace Corps. I hate worrying about it. I wonder if it's worth it. Maybe just jump. Leave. Find something else. I will start looking. Start interviewing. I don't want to live like thi...