New Beginnings

I am feeling better, ore free. More certain. More empowered. I had a really good day yesterday. Waking up to Papallacta, birthday rose and treat with a candle from staff, hot springs, massage,  hot springs, reading. And then home. Then the trainer, then fisio, then friends. Caro, Cris, Fer, Vi. It was the perfect celebraton. Relaxing, social connection. All I really needed. All I need. George wrote and that was triggering, but he pulls on my heart a little less each time. I am staying strong. I wrote a letter about my pattern I am ending. I burned it in my balcony when I got home. I watched it burn. I felt the pain, not just from me but everyone before me. Poppy, Tia Nana, Omie. I felt it. I feel good about this year. I don't think the pacific islands ar ein y future, I don't think the universe wants that for me. But, Ecuador still has a lot to offer. Summits, rides, friends, adventure, rewarding work. New hobbies. And when it is time I will move on to something else. Build a h...

It's my birthday. Today I turn 46. I can hear the birds chirping outside my window in Papallacta. I treated myself because I deserve that. I deserve care and tenderness and needed nature. I haven't had it easy, but I'm starting to see the light and meaning of all of this. Italy, first accident, second accident with broke shoulder. Breaking up with George. It's been a lot. I had some good stuff though, too, I climbed Cotopaxi, I put mysef out there again. I excelled on the bike and did Gravel Fest, I made some really good friends, Cris and Andrea and Caro and Vi and Fer. That is something to be grateful for. I lived. I took on challenges bigger than myself, I was vulnerable with men. But, most of all, I ended an unhealthy pattern that wasn't serving me anymore. The unhealthy pattern of letting men in my life that were making me feel limitied, and small, and without boundaries. George. I ended it waith someone I thought I could be with. I called it, listened to the al...

Patty said she had a good dream with poppy the other night. I never do. He's always mad, or sick, or frustrated. He's quiet, but that's what I dream about. I wish it were different, but this is just a sign that maybe I do still have underlying issues with him. I haven't forgave him yet. I don't forgive him for  teaching me that I am unloveable, that I'm not enough, that there is always something wrong with me. That I have to prove myself to him and others. That I'm not worthy. That I'm still single because of him. That I can't find a partner. That when I do I'm scared to death that they will reject me. That when they get close I push them away. Because he did.  I'm trying though. I'm meeting people. I'm connecting. I'm on bumble. I do wonder if I chose this life overseas to protect myself. Less of a chance to be close to someone. More of a an excuse to be alone. I have to be careful, though. I seem to have developed feelings for S...

So embarrassing. I was vulnerable. I interpretated his message wrong. I must be wanting something else, something more. To be loved. A relationship. I tool lets watch something together as let's be together. So embarrassing. But, that's ok. I will still talk to him. I won't sabotage it this time. I won't let it weigh on me. I will just laugh it off and be vulnerable. That's what life is about. Just be what you are. And right now, I feel vulnerable with him. That's ok. I really don't think it will turn into anything anyways. He's there without a concrete plan to come here. I have my life too. He lives in Medellin. We will see how the cards play out. In the meantime, I will continue to date. See what happens. Go from there.  As for Justin, I need to stop talking to him. I only do it because I'm lonely. Not because I have feelings. I am still resentful from when we were in Dominican Republic. I need to tell him this weekend. It's important so he doe...

I had another disturbing dream where poppy was the villain. He was angry, he was know for being angry. I wish this would go away, but I don't think it will until I resolve these issues about him. And I don't think Elizabeth will help me get there. Maybe Ayahuasca will. I've tried therapy. There is something lingering. There is something I am still holding on to. Something holding me back. Something making me feel so insecure with other men. I want a relationship, I do. I really do. But, I am so scared I won't ever have that if I don't get to the bottom of this.  I had a conversation in person and over chat with Felipe. I am not eating enough. That's clear. I am going to see what I can do to eat more on the bike, and see what happens. I don't want to lose my period again. I want my bone strength to get better. So, that's what I will do. I will focus on this. No need to look for something else, I can dive into this. Perhaps a course. Perhaps a nutritionist...

I kept repeating this to myself when I woke up. It was a dream, but I couldn't stop repeating it. Over and over again. Steven said it to me, and Marcela was there and also asked if I was friends with the people I've dated. As if I had a problem. There was something about me doing something that everyone was talking about. I was sad, I left sad. But, I get stuck on the unloveable part. If I dreamt it I must think that about myself. Sergio said he was coming to Quito in 8 days and almost suprised me earlier. I got tense, I got excited, I got nervous. I immediately started to think of all the things wrong with me. My teeth, my wrinkles, how he would be unfaithful, how he would spend the night and then leave, how it would be too complicated to keep going. Instead I just need to see this as a friend coming for a few days, and let's see where it takes us. It's just as much of my decision as his. I googled dating Colombians and lost interest when I read they were unfaithful. I...