New Beginnings

At the very end of my day yesterday when I was still missing George, I looked up something that helped me a lot. I asked AI how long the love bombing lasts for men with anxious attachment. And there it was, doesn't last more than 6 months. I knew it. He was already leaning towards manipulation and accusing me of not loving him the same way at month almost 4. Elizabeth mentioned that  it wouldn't last forever, but somehow I thought it would. I thought that maybe I was losing a love I've never had. But they were just words, not actions. He didn't respect my boundaries, and I forgive him for that because I know he couldn't. He wasn't capable. His anxious attachment wouldn't allow it. I was willing to work with him on this, but I don't think it would have helped. I was feeling drained. He was desperate to be connected to me. I remember when we made up I even said I wanted a glass of wine, and he wanted to come back to my place and have sex. He had needs, dee...

I can't get that song out of my head, un cafecto contigo. I started it. I slipped. He responded. And now I can't get hi mout of my head. I am trying to ket him go, but it's not easy especially with not much going on and being injured. Nothing to distract me. I do wonder what I would be feeling if I was biking and this injury never happened. But, that's not the case. This happened for a reason. And it sent me to Kat. And I realized I need to forgive poppy because he had it tough. And mommy because she was just tryng to support us and carry us. And that I need to pursue nursing. That's the gift. I also know what to look for in a man, and what to run away from. Someone kind hearted, stable, and respects my space and boundaries. Someone I feel like myself with. George wasn't him and I have to remember what Elizabeth said, he did a number on my nervous system and I am still healing. The reinforcement through intagram doesn't help. And he will find someone else to...

I posted a sunrise from my balcony with a view of the volcanos and this song, un cafecito contigo. I was doing it for him. Probably not the most mature thing to do, but felt like I needed to connect in some way. Well, he did the same. He posted a picture and the same song. We are connected. I smiled. I felt better. That's the cycle. The song mentions exactly what I miss. The coffees in bed or somewhere else when we used to talk about life, anything, everything. It could go on forever. That's what I miss. That's the truth. Not the pressure I felt, not the stress that came with his situation, not the worry when I pictured a life with him and he had no money, not how he though me needing space was a threat or a gift he was giving me, not that I felt like I had to say Amor every time I talked to him or he would get upset, not that I had to rehears how I said hello and goodbye to him on the phone so he wouldn't get upset. Not that he didn't fix his car or go to the docto...

I had a bad day with him yesterday. I thought bout him way too much. I second guessed. I questioned myself. I think it's because today would have bee 5 months for us. We made our monthly anniversaries special. He said he would ask me a question at 6 months, I wonder if he would have. I wonder if things would have been different if I would have wanted that. Or, he was just taking advantage of me, or the situation. The thing is I can't move on, I feel connected to him in some way still. Like maybe there is hope. Hope he will change, get a job, be the man I thought he was. But, no. He is still on my mind. I need closure, to say goodbye. To know that he will never enter my energy again, my world again. I have a lot  to look forward to. Nursing, Going home, Home leave, Summits, PBP, healing...lots if healing physically and emotionally. In reality I couldn't do this with him. He was making me feel stuck. I am liberating myself from debris. I wonder if that's what part of that...

Kat called me yesterday to tell me that at 3am she had a vision of me coming out of debris in a house where they were digging. I was fine, no injuries, nothing. I was rising from the ground with all this debris on top of me. Almost like I was liberating myself from all the family stuff. She went back to poppy and how he chose me to be the strong one, and that caused me to live the life I did but maybe it wasn't the life I wanted. Strong athlete, good career, traveler, made money. I had to live upon to it in some way. She said the nursing really felt good to her and maybe that's what this vision was about, like finding my way again. She also talked about mommy and how it could be good to explore that relationship more, soften it. That it would be good for both of us. She mentioned that maybe nursing would keep me from obsessing about biking an that having an ideal man in my life is not the solution, sometimes it makes things worse.  I got down yesterday after my appointment beca...

I had it wrong. I thought poppy's dad was a jerk, but he has good energy. Th poor thing was rejected for his mom dying at child birth. That wasn't his fault. He had a good last name, too. No wonder he drank so much. I did the constellations with Kat yesterday. It was interesting. I thought more would come out honestly, but it was validating at least to hear how my energy shifts with different people in my family. And how I stabilize George and he makes me wobbly. How he is chaotic like poppy was. All over the place. She says I am meant to be with someone cerebral, who I don't necessarily notice. I might look out for that more. That Matt and then Justin Mae me wobbly, like poppy did. Mommy is carrying the weight. It was a lot. But, the key takeaways were: - You have a gift and so did Tia Nana, that's where I get it from. Find out how to use it. I had the career I did because of poppy, not because of who I am. Nursing came up and Kat said that energy felt good. - Understa...