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Last Session

I had my last session with Elizabeth yesterday. It was good. I think I am good. I don't have anything she is worried about. Maybe some relational parental issues, but that's ok. I know that. Maybe some adjustment disorder, but even she said it was just for the insurance. I really did like working with her. But, I also felt like it was a chapter closing. the leaning the patterns chapter. With David I can maintain that and go beyond understanding. Because I get it now, and now the practicing part is the work. Actually going against the same types of men, same comfort, same instability. I now know I needed to earn love and be the savior and that I was attracted to men who needed me to be and even took advantage of it. I let them cross boundaries, and I never said anything because I wanted them to be happy. I regulated their emotions because I did that wth poppy and that's why I kept staying and going back. Because I wanted them to be ok, and I felt sorry for them. I was attrac...
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Tena

I had a good day yesterday with Jean. We went to Tena on Tuesday and came back yesterday. It was a smart idea. Her idea. The place wasn't comfortable. I am not a fan of the amazon. It reminds me of Panama, which is fine but was never my thing. Bugs, jungle, no air conditioning. Not my thing. Not her thing either, apparently. But, it's better. I need 2 days to unwind here. Get some stuff done and be helpful to her. She's been so good to me. We still got to see 3 volunteers and we still enjoyed the drive, She eats like me too, a little.  From Tena: I talked to Jean today about George, and the details of moments. I remember how anxious and frustrated and helpless I felt. I was losing myself. It was so clear. So clear when I was talking to her. So logical. But. I still had feelings. I still have feelings. Which isn’t enough. But, why do I still have feelings if I was treated that way? Why did I still love papi even though I was treated that way? Because I learned to tolerate it...
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Much Better Day

I had a much better day yesterday. Jean helped a lot, It was a good day at work and she was a hit with the staff. My period continued on day 5, which made me realize how my emotions were affected. But the best news is that my bone is consolidated. Yes, the doctor said it looked perfect. I was so happy. So happy. I can get my life back again. Of course, I will take it slow, but at least I am back. I don't want to to go back into what I was doing. Escaping my feelings. No, this time I am going to do it for fun. I miss it, but miss the people more. I also said goodbye to Justin. At first it was just space and in a text, but he got angry and said it should have been a phone call. Maybe he was right, but I don't owe him anything. He was already turning into someone else. Not the man I knew. And then he said I was damaged. That we were. F that. No-one is calling me damaged anymore, because I am not. I am quite the opposite actually. There is nothing wrong with me. And that's not ...
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Hard Day

I had a really hard day yesterday. Really hard emotionally. It started out fine, but could feel the sadness of George in my throat when I woke up. Then I decided to go to el Centro with Esteban. He was nice, and we went to la basilica, but it was so hard. He tried to teach me about the history, which George did when we went there. It was like I was back in that day before we went to the airport for Italy. It was hard because I wasn't present with Esteban. I just wanted the date to be over so I could go in my car and cry. But, he kept talking, there was no connection. No questions about me. And then, there it was. He started to talk about his ex and it was so obvious that he wasn't fully over her yet. That was the hardest part because he kept saying how she wanted space and didn't want him to live with her. That doesn't sound familiar at all. Well it was, and when he started saying that he was hurting so much and the were off and on and that she was selfish, I lost it in...
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Both Cam Be True

I've had a couple rough days with George. Reliving, doubting myself again, thiking of what could have been, wishing it was different. I guess it's normal. Was I in love? Maybe with the idea of us. Maybe with teh relationship. But, I don't know. It sure felt like nothing I've ever felt. It felt like love. But that's ok, I need to keep moving. Keep focusing on what is in front of me. On my life. On moving on. Don't fight it. Just be sad. You are lonely, you are injured, you are bored, it's the weekend, you are on your period. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to miss him. Don't fight it, just let it pass through you. You thought it would be different and it wasn't, twice. You gave it three chances. You were clear with what you needed. You felt stressed. He wasn't good for you and you loved him. Both can be true. You liked spending time with him and you needed your space that he couldn't give you. You liked being close to him and the constant s...
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On The Right Path

I had a dream I owed money and was hiding from the person I owed it to. Then I just paid it. I wonder if it has to do with George owing me money. I can't believe I gave him 3,000 just like that. Anything to keep him in his business, keep him happy. No agreement of paying it back. He even said it was an investment, but with no plan. That would be easier for him. He was in la la land with his business. I remember the day he called Pietro thinking he would invest. That was the plan. He just hoped someone would invest, someone would help him. I wonder if he thought I would. A dreamer maybe. Gosh what if I would have given him the 130k. That would have been the end of it. I would have never seen that money again. I won't see the 3,000 either. Who takes money from a girl he met a month ago. Who gives money to a guy she met a month ago. It was both of us. Our dynamic. And that's ok. We learn, we grow. I need to live my life now because he may not even be in pain. Hopefully he'...
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The Love I Want

I woke up with cramps. I am so happy I have cramps. My period is back, finally. I was so excited when I saw blood yesterday in the bathroom. This means I'm regulating, literally. My nervous system is calming down. I am taking care of myself. I am ok. I still think about him a lot. Talking to Justin is sometimes triggering too. But, I am getting there. Almost 3 months now. I realized yesterday that I miss the idea of him, the relationship, what it could have been, what he could have been. Not the reality. That's important to remember. I am grieving my imagination of him and us. Which is still sad. I have been alone for a long time. He was my Prince Charming to rescue me. It's expected that it would hurt so much. But, it wasn't the full picture. Things were unfolding. Him asking me for money, relationship with his family, losing his business, the choices he made, not being responsible with his car or his health, vaping, not active. These all unfolded after I fell. Maybe t...
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