New Beginnings

I posted a sunrise from my balcony with a view of the volcanos and this song, un cafecito contigo. I was doing it for him. Probably not the most mature thing to do, but felt like I needed to connect in some way. Well, he did the same. He posted a picture and the same song. We are connected. I smiled. I felt better. That's the cycle. The song mentions exactly what I miss. The coffees in bed or somewhere else when we used to talk about life, anything, everything. It could go on forever. That's what I miss. That's the truth. Not the pressure I felt, not the stress that came with his situation, not the worry when I pictured a life with him and he had no money, not how he though me needing space was a threat or a gift he was giving me, not that I felt like I had to say Amor every time I talked to him or he would get upset, not that I had to rehears how I said hello and goodbye to him on the phone so he wouldn't get upset. Not that he didn't fix his car or go to the docto...

I had a bad day with him yesterday. I thought bout him way too much. I second guessed. I questioned myself. I think it's because today would have bee 5 months for us. We made our monthly anniversaries special. He said he would ask me a question at 6 months, I wonder if he would have. I wonder if things would have been different if I would have wanted that. Or, he was just taking advantage of me, or the situation. The thing is I can't move on, I feel connected to him in some way still. Like maybe there is hope. Hope he will change, get a job, be the man I thought he was. But, no. He is still on my mind. I need closure, to say goodbye. To know that he will never enter my energy again, my world again. I have a lot  to look forward to. Nursing, Going home, Home leave, Summits, PBP, healing...lots if healing physically and emotionally. In reality I couldn't do this with him. He was making me feel stuck. I am liberating myself from debris. I wonder if that's what part of that...

Kat called me yesterday to tell me that at 3am she had a vision of me coming out of debris in a house where they were digging. I was fine, no injuries, nothing. I was rising from the ground with all this debris on top of me. Almost like I was liberating myself from all the family stuff. She went back to poppy and how he chose me to be the strong one, and that caused me to live the life I did but maybe it wasn't the life I wanted. Strong athlete, good career, traveler, made money. I had to live upon to it in some way. She said the nursing really felt good to her and maybe that's what this vision was about, like finding my way again. She also talked about mommy and how it could be good to explore that relationship more, soften it. That it would be good for both of us. She mentioned that maybe nursing would keep me from obsessing about biking an that having an ideal man in my life is not the solution, sometimes it makes things worse.  I got down yesterday after my appointment beca...

I had it wrong. I thought poppy's dad was a jerk, but he has good energy. Th poor thing was rejected for his mom dying at child birth. That wasn't his fault. He had a good last name, too. No wonder he drank so much. I did the constellations with Kat yesterday. It was interesting. I thought more would come out honestly, but it was validating at least to hear how my energy shifts with different people in my family. And how I stabilize George and he makes me wobbly. How he is chaotic like poppy was. All over the place. She says I am meant to be with someone cerebral, who I don't necessarily notice. I might look out for that more. That Matt and then Justin Mae me wobbly, like poppy did. Mommy is carrying the weight. It was a lot. But, the key takeaways were: - You have a gift and so did Tia Nana, that's where I get it from. Find out how to use it. I had the career I did because of poppy, not because of who I am. Nursing came up and Kat said that energy felt good. - Understa...

I had a bad dream. I wasn't scared though, but it felt bad. There was like a mafia group that was after me for some reason. They kept showing up st my house, and I kept telling George on my phone. We were together still I think. I was telling other people too. I mentioned to one that he reminded me of Johnny Camp. Now that I google it I don't know who he is, but I was sure then. He had a good story. Anyways, I was running from these guys trying to hide but when they would find me we would talk and I would just be there, not scared. I don't know what they wanted. At the end they kept coming in and I kept writing to George that they were 4 then 7 then 9 then 14. I don't know, maybe it was all the people he owes. Or That I am still wondering what happened. Was he really a bad uy or was he just like poppy, desperate and disorganized. I just can't seem to figure it out. But you know what, I don't have to. Just let it go, Anni. He loved you and you cared about him. An...

I haven't looked at instagram in almost a day, and I think I need to keep it that way. I don't want to search for his name anymore. It feels almost like a drug, like I can breathe after I see he hasn't took down photos of us or hasn't added anything. Then I feel conencted in some weird way when I see when the last time he was on instagram. This is a step, we will see how it goes. It's just my nervous system recovering from a trauma bond. That's all this is. Believe that. Trust that. Trust the process. Yesterday was a hard day, I am starting to grow tired of the sling and not being able to bike. It's exhausting and I still have 3 more weeks. I guess it's expected since I have been distracted until now. But I am keeping busy as much as I can. I will have to find something to do this weekend though and the next long one or I will go nuts.  I'm grateful for... - Hope for healing of my arm and from him - Family and realization of stuck patterns  - My job