Posts

Much Better Day

I had a much better day yesterday. Jean helped a lot, It was a good day at work and she was a hit with the staff. My period continued on day 5, which made me realize how my emotions were affected. But the best news is that my bone is consolidated. Yes, the doctor said it looked perfect. I was so happy. So happy. I can get my life back again. Of course, I will take it slow, but at least I am back. I don't want to to go back into what I was doing. Escaping my feelings. No, this time I am going to do it for fun. I miss it, but miss the people more. I also said goodbye to Justin. At first it was just space and in a text, but he got angry and said it should have been a phone call. Maybe he was right, but I don't owe him anything. He was already turning into someone else. Not the man I knew. And then he said I was damaged. That we were. F that. No-one is calling me damaged anymore, because I am not. I am quite the opposite actually. There is nothing wrong with me. And that's not ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Hard Day

I had a really hard day yesterday. Really hard emotionally. It started out fine, but could feel the sadness of George in my throat when I woke up. Then I decided to go to el Centro with Esteban. He was nice, and we went to la basilica, but it was so hard. He tried to teach me about the history, which George did when we went there. It was like I was back in that day before we went to the airport for Italy. It was hard because I wasn't present with Esteban. I just wanted the date to be over so I could go in my car and cry. But, he kept talking, there was no connection. No questions about me. And then, there it was. He started to talk about his ex and it was so obvious that he wasn't fully over her yet. That was the hardest part because he kept saying how she wanted space and didn't want him to live with her. That doesn't sound familiar at all. Well it was, and when he started saying that he was hurting so much and the were off and on and that she was selfish, I lost it in...
Post a Comment
Read more

Both Cam Be True

I've had a couple rough days with George. Reliving, doubting myself again, thiking of what could have been, wishing it was different. I guess it's normal. Was I in love? Maybe with the idea of us. Maybe with teh relationship. But, I don't know. It sure felt like nothing I've ever felt. It felt like love. But that's ok, I need to keep moving. Keep focusing on what is in front of me. On my life. On moving on. Don't fight it. Just be sad. You are lonely, you are injured, you are bored, it's the weekend, you are on your period. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to miss him. Don't fight it, just let it pass through you. You thought it would be different and it wasn't, twice. You gave it three chances. You were clear with what you needed. You felt stressed. He wasn't good for you and you loved him. Both can be true. You liked spending time with him and you needed your space that he couldn't give you. You liked being close to him and the constant s...
Post a Comment
Read more

On The Right Path

I had a dream I owed money and was hiding from the person I owed it to. Then I just paid it. I wonder if it has to do with George owing me money. I can't believe I gave him 3,000 just like that. Anything to keep him in his business, keep him happy. No agreement of paying it back. He even said it was an investment, but with no plan. That would be easier for him. He was in la la land with his business. I remember the day he called Pietro thinking he would invest. That was the plan. He just hoped someone would invest, someone would help him. I wonder if he thought I would. A dreamer maybe. Gosh what if I would have given him the 130k. That would have been the end of it. I would have never seen that money again. I won't see the 3,000 either. Who takes money from a girl he met a month ago. Who gives money to a guy she met a month ago. It was both of us. Our dynamic. And that's ok. We learn, we grow. I need to live my life now because he may not even be in pain. Hopefully he'...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Love I Want

I woke up with cramps. I am so happy I have cramps. My period is back, finally. I was so excited when I saw blood yesterday in the bathroom. This means I'm regulating, literally. My nervous system is calming down. I am taking care of myself. I am ok. I still think about him a lot. Talking to Justin is sometimes triggering too. But, I am getting there. Almost 3 months now. I realized yesterday that I miss the idea of him, the relationship, what it could have been, what he could have been. Not the reality. That's important to remember. I am grieving my imagination of him and us. Which is still sad. I have been alone for a long time. He was my Prince Charming to rescue me. It's expected that it would hurt so much. But, it wasn't the full picture. Things were unfolding. Him asking me for money, relationship with his family, losing his business, the choices he made, not being responsible with his car or his health, vaping, not active. These all unfolded after I fell. Maybe t...
Post a Comment
Read more

Off The Tracks

 I had a dream that I was taking volunteers to the med unit on the highest floor I thought. But we went to 19 instead of 14 and it somehow turned into a train ride that got off the tracks and we had to get off and were stuck. Some of us hitchhiked, others waited. There was a kid there, 14 years old that I was with. finally the train said it could go back. I think it's the nursing school as a second career. I thought I had a path and now my mind keeps coming back to is it worth it? I know it is, but I need to get my bearings again. I need to chose a school since the prerequisites change. I am worried about tests and grades and not getting in. I keep getting thrown off. Off the tracks. But, it's ok I will find the path again. I won't let fear of succeeding or getting in stop me. Not this time.  I'm grateful for... - Life and getting to live  - Hope for healing and good X-rays on Monday - Therapy, spiritual healing, support from friends and family  The Echo of Floor 14:...
Post a Comment
Read more

Just Friends

I called Justin yesterday, it was almost automatic. Driving home from physio. He called me back hours later at night. I can sense his resentment. After our call he said that maybe we shouldn't start the habit again of talking every day. I agreed, but was hurt. He is right. I don't want him to be a replacement for George. A whole to fill. I just want him as a friend. And he will find someone else. So I am glad he said that. I think every so often is better and when we have an update to share. Like friends. Nothing else. Not a habit, not a pass time, not a almost boyfriend. Just friends. I am still not over Geaorge. Lately, I have been thinking about the good parts, dreaming of him, missing out connection, feeling sorry for him. It will get better. I will get over him. I just wish things would have been different. I wish he would have been doing well in his farm or not anxiously attached. We would still be together. Or who knows, maybe if he wasn't anxiously attached he would...
Post a Comment
Read more