New Beginnings

I had a disturbing dream yesterday. So much happened. First, I was with Peter and mommy, and Chris and  Jason and the family. And we were drinking a lot. I smoked pot. Then I had sex with poppy. I know. So disturbing. Maybe we were just fooling round. It hurts to even write this. My dream ended with me riding my yellow gravel bike and me standing there and then all of a sudden it was gone. I asked around and looked for it, but couldn't find it. A cop said you need to be careful around here. I remember thinking this is the 3rd bike I've had stolen in dreams. It was intense. I still miss George, being with him. Not his instability or his anxious attachment style, but our talks and nights in bed, and talks in the morning. The slow walks in the afternoons. I miss that. He was drowning and maybe he thought I would want to save him. But, I couldn't. I couldn't save him and cater to his attachment needs. It was too much. Maybe if it was just one, I could have managed. But both...

I'm going riding for the first time with the group today. I will stay behind. It feels weird. I thought I would be more excited. More ready. But, something has shifted. I don't feel the same way about it. Maybe that will change. It doesn't feel like a passion anymore, but more like a hobby. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that's what it was always supposed to be. A hobby.  I'm grateful for... - Life - My job and hope for the CHOPS position if that's what's meant for me - Family and friends 

I slept for 10 hours. It was nice. I feel more rested than yesterday. Yesterday was nice though to do nothing. I needed it. I was so tired. I even took a nap for almost 2 hours. I applied for the chops position yesterday. Let's see what happens. I actually really want it this time. More of a job security than anything. And stability. And a home. And a place to call home. I feel that here, but not anymore. I know time is ticking. In June next year it will only be a year. I will need to start looking anyways. And then I'm out. Then all of this would have been in the past, just like Panama. A good memory. And some bad ones. Today is Monday. I will face the day. I will work hard. I will do some strength training, I will go to Ani. I will get my massage. I will get through today. Just like every day, but today is hard because it's my first day back after a while. Altitude also. It will be fine. It will be ok. Ecuador doesn't feel like home anymore. I hate to say it, Burt I t...

Yesterday was a long day. I did a ride share ride which was nice but cold on mt. Vernon trail. Then I flew to Houston, then 3 hours layover, then Quito. I got home around 1:30. Long day. But, I'm home now. I can apply for that job. I can bike again. I can have a routine again. I am ok. I thought about him at the end of the night, last flight. The good parts. That seems to happen after a couple of days of seeing him as a villain. I thought about how we were cute together, how we would laugh a lot. How his gestures would make me laugh. It was light, it was fun, it was real most times. That's the hardest part. Love isn't enough. That wasn't enough. If it were we would still be together. But I have wounds, he has wounds, they found each other, and I didn't feel safe in the relationship. I felt good with him, and close, and loving, and loved, and a part of his life, but it was all too fast. And the real things matter too. I was nervous to tell him simple things, I regula...

Today would have been 6 months, this is when he said he would ask me to marry him. If things would have been different maybe I would have wanted that. The feeling would be mutual, and it was at first, But, then I had doubts. Then he made me have doubts. I did a background check, I asked my friends, I asked my therapist. I was nervous that maybe he was after me for the wrong reasons. And maybe he wasn't, but he still did the things he did. I had dinner with Jenny and Jason yesterday. They listened to me telling the whole story again. This time it felt like when I told Jean. I realized how ridiculous it sounds, like a movie. Like it was planned. Like I was the target. Like I was an idiot. SO it's good to talk about it. H might be too, or is over it by now. Moved on with someone else. I don't know who if he is still living at that Airbnb. I don't think he can just take any job either. Not at his status. He would say, she was scared, she was all in and then out, she was too...

I had a dream with poppy again. This time he was quiet. I think he was quiet, didn't say anything. H was just there. I had a better day yesterday, still thought about George but less. I was triggered by podcasts and shows, but then I have to remember that's just my lizard brain. That's just the movie again. I know what happened, I know why I left. I know I didn't leave soon enough. I know I gave it a try. I know myself. I know my gut. So, here I am. day 5 of FACT. So happy to be done with this. To be done with this hotel. To go home and get back in my routine. To live again like I used to. To have bike rides to look forward to. To see my friends again. To work again. Between Jean and FACT it's been 2 weeks. I am ready to feel like myself again. Almost there.  I didn't apply yesterday because I couldn't, but I will when I get home. Sunday. I haven't thought through it too much. It's more of a just apply reaction really. I want to see how far I get. An...