Posts

Constellations Follow- Up

Kat called me yesterday to tell me that at 3am she had a vision of me coming out of debris in a house where they were digging. I was fine, no injuries, nothing. I was rising from the ground with all this debris on top of me. Almost like I was liberating myself from all the family stuff. She went back to poppy and how he chose me to be the strong one, and that caused me to live the life I did but maybe it wasn't the life I wanted. Strong athlete, good career, traveler, made money. I had to live upon to it in some way. She said the nursing really felt good to her and maybe that's what this vision was about, like finding my way again. She also talked about mommy and how it could be good to explore that relationship more, soften it. That it would be good for both of us. She mentioned that maybe nursing would keep me from obsessing about biking an that having an ideal man in my life is not the solution, sometimes it makes things worse.  I got down yesterday after my appointment beca...
Post a Comment
Read more

Constellations

I had it wrong. I thought poppy's dad was a jerk, but he has good energy. Th poor thing was rejected for his mom dying at child birth. That wasn't his fault. He had a good last name, too. No wonder he drank so much. I did the constellations with Kat yesterday. It was interesting. I thought more would come out honestly, but it was validating at least to hear how my energy shifts with different people in my family. And how I stabilize George and he makes me wobbly. How he is chaotic like poppy was. All over the place. She says I am meant to be with someone cerebral, who I don't necessarily notice. I might look out for that more. That Matt and then Justin Mae me wobbly, like poppy did. Mommy is carrying the weight. It was a lot. But, the key takeaways were: - You have a gift and so did Tia Nana, that's where I get it from. Find out how to use it. I had the career I did because of poppy, not because of who I am. Nursing came up and Kat said that energy felt good. - Understa...
Post a Comment
Read more

Both Can Be True

I had a bad dream. I wasn't scared though, but it felt bad. There was like a mafia group that was after me for some reason. They kept showing up st my house, and I kept telling George on my phone. We were together still I think. I was telling other people too. I mentioned to one that he reminded me of Johnny Camp. Now that I google it I don't know who he is, but I was sure then. He had a good story. Anyways, I was running from these guys trying to hide but when they would find me we would talk and I would just be there, not scared. I don't know what they wanted. At the end they kept coming in and I kept writing to George that they were 4 then 7 then 9 then 14. I don't know, maybe it was all the people he owes. Or That I am still wondering what happened. Was he really a bad uy or was he just like poppy, desperate and disorganized. I just can't seem to figure it out. But you know what, I don't have to. Just let it go, Anni. He loved you and you cared about him. An...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nervous System

I haven't looked at instagram in almost a day, and I think I need to keep it that way. I don't want to search for his name anymore. It feels almost like a drug, like I can breathe after I see he hasn't took down photos of us or hasn't added anything. Then I feel conencted in some weird way when I see when the last time he was on instagram. This is a step, we will see how it goes. It's just my nervous system recovering from a trauma bond. That's all this is. Believe that. Trust that. Trust the process. Yesterday was a hard day, I am starting to grow tired of the sling and not being able to bike. It's exhausting and I still have 3 more weeks. I guess it's expected since I have been distracted until now. But I am keeping busy as much as I can. I will have to find something to do this weekend though and the next long one or I will go nuts.  I'm grateful for... - Hope for healing of my arm and from him - Family and realization of stuck patterns  - My job 
Post a Comment
Read more

Let Go, Anni

My arm is healing I think. It hurts less when I wake up, which is a good sign. I am so tired of this sling though. It makes my arm sore. I am trying not to rush this process, but man do I want to heal already. I have this feeling like I did when I broke my pelvis in that I want this feeling to last. Slow mornings, relaxed, calm, no urgency to get on the bike or do hard things. I need to hold on to that. I thought about George a lot yesterday, actually wanted to write him but I was strong. I can't believe it wasn't even 4 months and I feel this way still. It really took a toll on me. The nervous system has a way of holding on. I wonder what his other wives and girlfriends were like. If the saw the pattern and ran too, or if the are what he said they were like. I wonder even if Dome's mom even has bi-polar.  Now I need to stay focused on myself. I want to write my book, start my passion projects, climb summits, go to DC, spend time with Jean, go home for Christmas. Maybe star...
Post a Comment
Read more

Reclaiming My Bike

I am feeling better, ore free. More certain. More empowered. I had a really good day yesterday. Waking up to Papallacta, birthday rose and treat with a candle from staff, hot springs, massage,  hot springs, reading. And then home. Then the trainer, then fisio, then friends. Caro, Cris, Fer, Vi. It was the perfect celebraton. Relaxing, social connection. All I really needed. All I need. George wrote and that was triggering, but he pulls on my heart a little less each time. I am staying strong. I wrote a letter about my pattern I am ending. I burned it in my balcony when I got home. I watched it burn. I felt the pain, not just from me but everyone before me. Poppy, Tia Nana, Omie. I felt it. I feel good about this year. I don't think the pacific islands ar ein y future, I don't think the universe wants that for me. But, Ecuador still has a lot to offer. Summits, rides, friends, adventure, rewarding work. New hobbies. And when it is time I will move on to something else. Build a h...
Post a Comment
Read more

Happy Birthday

It's my birthday. Today I turn 46. I can hear the birds chirping outside my window in Papallacta. I treated myself because I deserve that. I deserve care and tenderness and needed nature. I haven't had it easy, but I'm starting to see the light and meaning of all of this. Italy, first accident, second accident with broke shoulder. Breaking up with George. It's been a lot. I had some good stuff though, too, I climbed Cotopaxi, I put mysef out there again. I excelled on the bike and did Gravel Fest, I made some really good friends, Cris and Andrea and Caro and Vi and Fer. That is something to be grateful for. I lived. I took on challenges bigger than myself, I was vulnerable with men. But, most of all, I ended an unhealthy pattern that wasn't serving me anymore. The unhealthy pattern of letting men in my life that were making me feel limitied, and small, and without boundaries. George. I ended it waith someone I thought I could be with. I called it, listened to the al...
Post a Comment
Read more