New Beginnings

I'm sad, but proud of myself. I told Edwin I didn't want to continue seeing each other because we want different things. I feel like I attract unavailable men. I do, and that makes sense. I had to earn love as a kid. I had to earn it with Peter and Matt. Justin felt safe but he wasn't the right one. I want safe. Not pressure, or trying to be someone I'm not. Someone that respects me when I say let's slow down. He wasn't any of these things and I know that I would just get hurt. It's not fear. It's knowing the pattern and breaking it. Be easy on yourself. It didn't work out this time. There will be more opportunities. There are lots of men out there that would love to be with me if they met me. I just need to be patient and open. 

I went on my second date yesterday with Edwin. It was a mistake to go to his house. I now understand why he wanted that, though. I don't think he would have wanted to go out anyways. We didn't even talk 20 minutes before he kissed me. He gave me a tour and we went to his bed. He was persistent. It was a dumb move on my part. But part of me wanted to be close to someone again. A big part of me. So we kissed. A lot. He's such a good kisser. I was reminded that I can be passionate about someone again. I still have that spark in me. I am capable. I wanted that with Justin and Peter, but nothing. I had that with John, but he didn't want to commit. I can't seem to get it right. Edwin doesn't want a relationship. I think he made that clear. He wants to travel the world. Be present. Undecided about being with one person. I get it. I don't get that mindset for 47, but I get it. The thing is I know what will happen if I continue to see him. We will be casual, have cas...

I had a session with Elizabeth yesterday. It was good. It's getting better. I still think about what Jenny said about finding someone who can help heal my trauma. We don't go deep, but that's ok right now. Eventually I will have to find a way to heal this wound. She is a problem solver like me. We talked about Justin and how I did try to have the separation and it didn't work. I tried. We failed. He called. I called. But after talking to Jenny yesterday and seeing what Tim is doing to her I am more sure I can't talk to Justin. I hurt him. I played games. I was unstable. I think he finally realized that. That I was damaged in some way like Jenny thinks of Tim. I don't want to be friends with someone who thinks I'm hurting them or did. It could also just me simply what Elizabeth says. He just wasn't the right fit. So simple. Regardless, I am clear now. Done with thinking about being friends with Justin. No more of that. Let's see how I feel and where I...

I had a dream I missed Guangopolo. They came to my house, we started late. I kept having to get stuff. Then, last minute I went back upstairs to tell Ann and Robert (my boss) that I was feeling sick and was going to be late. I went back down and they were gone. I was upset. I think with this Ambato trip I canceled, I'm feeling like I am missing an opportunity. That's been bothering me. But, if I do go I will feel like I missed an opportunity to see Edwin and do well in the 200K. I Willa always be missing out on something. Trust your decisions, Anni. I'm grateful for... - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - My job - Family and talking to Susi again

I talked to Peter yesterday. It was triggering when he talked about Mary, how she was living rent free and saving money and makes a lot of money. I was jealous, not of being with him but of them. I always pictured myself with someone successful. Where the two of us would be well off with out kids. I don't know how likely that is now, but I still have hope. It could still happen. I hope. I could use a partner, someone even like Felipe that is as crazy as I am. Where we go on trips together. Adventurous. That is more important than successful. As long as he can stand on his own feet. Not like Justin who was lost and followed me around like a puppy. Not like Peter who was lost emotionally and not sure about me. He needs to be sure about me wherever he is.  I don't think I will go to Ambato. I want to see Edwinn instead, and be well trained for culebra. I want to do well. Ambato will be ok, but I'm kind of over that group. They gossip too much, and I am not that into it. I can ...

I feel lucky. I have my family. Sisters that love me. Patty as my best friend. Life. Friends. A great job. A place to live that's nice. y health. A cyclig community. Financial security. All that is missing is love, but that's ok. I don't know if I'm ready sometimes. I need to heal more I think. There is something missing. Something I'm not remembering. Marcela reached out yesterday reminding me of my friend Annie when I was like 6. I don't remember much. I was that age though 5 or 6 when teh healers tell me I was sexually assaulted. I wonder where that was. She had lots of brothers. That I remember. They were playful. I am adjusting to teh altitude again. Headache. I am thinking about Ayaguasca again. Maybe this is my year. Let's see what Andrea says. If she has a good session maybe I will consider it. I think it might be the healing journey I need. I'm grateful for... - Life - Friends - Financial security - Family - My health physically mentally and emo...