New Beginnings

This bible thing is not working. I don't think I want to keep doing it. It's just attracting weird people. And I am tired of first dates, not wanting to adjust my schedule to meet them, it's weird. I just want to meet someone naturally. In my daily life, at work. Run into someone and feel a spark. At the embassy. Just somewhere else. This is exhausting.  As for this guy Remco, he seems nice but I'm not in the mood. I don't want to skip swimming. Let's think about it on my ride I guess. I hate that feeling of what if. What if I miss something he will say. I know there won't be a future. He lives in the Netherlands, but who knows. He could lead me somewhere. It comes down more to what do I want to do. That's more of the question. Start there.  I'm grateful for... - Life - Love and hope for it - My conversation with Peter Friday - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally

I found out yesterday that I will get extended, word of mouth but I believe it. So, I can bank on 2.5 more years. That's a good thing. Gives m more time. I also heard I might be asked to go to Mexico. I like the idea that they thought of me, seeing a new country, and helping a team, but I do like it here. I have friends finally and I am not done exploring. Let's see if they ask me.  Jenny and Andrea are coming next week. I am starting to get anxious about them being here so long. Similar to when Justin would come. It will be fine, but 10 days seems like a lot. I will create my own space though, I'll bike when I can. Ten days straight is a lot when we are together all the time. Andrea annoys me sometimes. Maybe this time will be different. If I can't do 10 days with my friends something is wrong with me. This is a good thing because I can get used to being around people. I didn't realize it wa sho much time until it got close.  I'm grateful for... - Life - My hea...

I had the weirdest dream. There was a 13km swim through caves and we had to keep our heads down because there were officers lines up on top of us. Probably me thinking of Ice. Anyways, I kept getting lost. Someone I was with put on flippers and I couldn't keep up. It was hard and felt punitive, but also a race or event. I also had to catch a flight after and was worried I would be late. I ended up in the beginning again some how and some guy helped me get back to 10k. I found out later he was the winner of previous years. Last thing that happened before I woke up was that we went in again at 11k I think. Water represents emotions. I was in an event, feeling good, then I got turned around and had a set back. I think this all has to do with not knowing if I'm extending or what I will do after Peace Corps. I hate worrying about it. I wonder if it's worth it. Maybe just jump. Leave. Find something else. I will start looking. Start interviewing. I don't want to live like thi...

Yesterday was good. I was starting a ride on my own and Erika Saa invited me to join her group. I went and it was a good ride. Easy pace, long, and the two others were nice. I got to know her too which was cool. One more person in the cycling community. I connected too. That's what I need. at least one connection every weekend day. Then I went to the cafe in Eco Park with Christian. No connection really. He was nice, and it was nice to connect. But, when he started talking about filters and AI bumble strategies I got insecure. No thank you. Either way I got home at almost 4 and it felt to get out and connect. I had some down time, but not too much. I am feeling good. I am hoping for a good week ahead.  I did a complete 360 on the nursing school idea. Patty talked me out of it in less than 2 minutes. I am so easily swayed. She said it was below me, which I was also afraid of but that's just the ego talking. I think I would like it actually. Not sure about the school part, but it...

I had a dream I was sick. I also lost my pants so there's that, I think it's because Ive had this constant gas for a couple days, yesterday was really bad. I wonder if it has to do with eating those vitamin gummies. Probably not a good idea, forgot they were actual vitamins. Anyways, that stops today. No more fructose. Full stop. I was getting addicted. But, the stomach issues is a good motive. Back to AG1. Take your vitamins, D- Calcium- Fish Oil. Starting today,  I'M GRATEFUL FOR... - Life - My health physically, emotionally, and mentally - Feeling ok with out Justin

I'm doing well. I feel good. I had my therapist appointment yesterday with Elizabeth. She heard me about the hole I told her I have. And that men just dill it. She said it could be that, or it could be that the wrong men are coming into my life. That they don't fit the hole correctly. I think that could be true too, and I don't let those men in because I'm busy with the wrong men. I haven't thought about Justin very much. Here and there, but I don't miss him. I hold on to him not waning anything further. Screw that. I had a good friend for three years. That's enough. That's what life is about too. They come and go. People come and go. It's part of life. I know that well. And sometimes they reappear, like Kim did. Like Emma Kate did. Temporarily. Maybe he will too one day. Maybe they all will. But, they all taught me something. Justin taught me how special I am. He taught me how to be connected. He taught me how to let go of this pattern. I could have...