New Beginnings

I thought it was interesting what Jenny sent me on instagram. How when you feel like you are attached to someone, in my case these guys im dating or maybe before Justin, then you ask: What part of me is afraid right now? And ask that part, what do you need from me instead of him? I love this. It's like a part of me is starving. That part that wants emotional connection, that part that wants to be loved. Or is it really that part that wants to be accepted. So, let's think about that. I get why. Poppy never accepted me. I was always too fat, or did things wrong. He didn't accept mommy either. Or any of us. Always criticizing. I am slowly breaking that habit I got from him. But, true acceptance. Never with me. I was always trying harder. So, maybe that attachment is wanting to be accepted, not so much wanting to be with them. I don't even know them. Justin accepted me right away. Peter never accepted me. John didn't either but acted like he did. So now the question. Th...

Sebas reminds me of John. John Stoneman. The man I always dreamed of, except he couldn't communicate. Kept me hanging, mixed messages. I don't think Sebas would od that but one thing I notice that's similar is that they are slow. Adventurers. I started thinking of John and how that first part was. We went out a lot, rode a lot, talked a lot. I didn't feel anything flirty that much during that time. It was almost 15 days. I remember being like...come on. Patience. And then one day it happened. I can see that happening with Sebas. Slow. Steady. Seeing each other. Getting to know each other. And then maybe something will happen. Maybe not. What I have to remember is that he doesn't always have to initiate. I can too. I can write him. I can ask if he wants to do something tomorrow when he is in Quito. It doesn't always have to be him. Yeah it's vulnerable, but who cares. We all are. And he is probably thinking that maybe I won't want to. I have nothing to lo...

I went out with Sebas again yesterday. We went for a coffee and closed the place down again. It was good for me to continue talking because I realized his world is all sport and adventure. It's great for a friend, but I want more romance. I also am realizing how important it is to open other parts of me. And, He always went back to his adventure. Almost like it's his identity. Like Jenny said, I am also seeing if I like him. I don't think I do yet. Maybe we will go out again, maybe we won't. And that's ok. I got to meet an interesting guy who has done crazy adventures and will continue to. I felt worthy getting his time for two long dates. That's enough. I have to say he did inspire me to take on something bigger than myself. I have to think about that. Maybe home leave. On the other hand, Sergio has the emotional maturity, knows how to go deep, and I am so attracted to his personality. Not an athlete though. And that's ok too. Maybe if I keep putting myself...

I did it. I am so proud of myself. I'm doing it. One step at a time. Going out, meeting guys, putting myself out there like Kat said. Pushing through the discomfort of not feeling enough. I am enough. My date with Sebas went well, much better than expected. Why? Because I expected it to go south. For him not to like me. For it to be awkward. It wasn't. The conversation flowed. We talked about ourselves, adventure, what we liked to do. Not anything too deep. Not past relationships. Not how we like this app. Just us. We admired each other's adventures. His disability came up a few times. and its as natural. The whole thing felt natural. When I left he said we should move to WhatsApp. I agreed, I gave him a kiss on the cheek and I left, smiling. I am not sure what will come out of this. Maybe someone to go on or talk adventures with. Maybe someone to date. He's coming to Quito a couple times this week. Let's see if we get together. He's not the best communicator. M...

Elizabeth told me to think about what I said in our last session. And then Jenny also flagged it as something to figure out. I feel less than, smaller than, not enough. That's it. Not enough. I know who I am. I am beautiful in my own way. I am smart. I am kind. I am successful in my job. I'm a good person. I've seen the world. I'm a good sister. But, no, I'm not enough. I can always be more for someone else. Prettier, funnier, thinner. Why do I feel that way? Easy answer. Papi. Criticisms. Watching him criticize mommy, and everyone he knew behind their backs. Comment about my weight. Not caring so much about my jobs or school work I was proud of. Never enough. That got better over the years, but carried on with Peter. His subtle ways of correcting me all the time. My decisions mostly. Are you sure? Why not do it this way? I wish I could get those years back sometimes. But, then I think about it more and I am here because I thought that. The problem is it no longer s...

It's funny I have this mindset that I want to jump ship when things get tough with relationships. for example, this whole thing with the 12 seconds. I messed up by saying she cheated, but I followed her and didn't mention that. I ruminated. I went from a small misunderstanding to they think im a cheater and bad cyclist and don't like me anymore. I should leave. That's the mindset. rumination over a small mistake. I can make mistakes. That's the drill sergeant in me. You suck. You're useless. You ruined it. Go. Get out of here. But, I won't. I won't leave. I like it here. I will stay and enjoy this time. Nobody is thinking about this. Maybe Chris, but I can explain it to her. Maybe it's not that big of a deal. Don't make this a thing. Don't let this bring you down. It's over. Why do I bring it back? Because my integrity matters. And I broke it a little. That's ok. I won't do it again. Especially now.  I like what I read about datin...