New Beginnings

I had a bad dream. I wasn't scared though, but it felt bad. There was like a mafia group that was after me for some reason. They kept showing up st my house, and I kept telling George on my phone. We were together still I think. I was telling other people too. I mentioned to one that he reminded me of Johnny Camp. Now that I google it I don't know who he is, but I was sure then. He had a good story. Anyways, I was running from these guys trying to hide but when they would find me we would talk and I would just be there, not scared. I don't know what they wanted. At the end they kept coming in and I kept writing to George that they were 4 then 7 then 9 then 14. I don't know, maybe it was all the people he owes. Or That I am still wondering what happened. Was he really a bad uy or was he just like poppy, desperate and disorganized. I just can't seem to figure it out. But you know what, I don't have to. Just let it go, Anni. He loved you and you cared about him. An...

I haven't looked at instagram in almost a day, and I think I need to keep it that way. I don't want to search for his name anymore. It feels almost like a drug, like I can breathe after I see he hasn't took down photos of us or hasn't added anything. Then I feel conencted in some weird way when I see when the last time he was on instagram. This is a step, we will see how it goes. It's just my nervous system recovering from a trauma bond. That's all this is. Believe that. Trust that. Trust the process. Yesterday was a hard day, I am starting to grow tired of the sling and not being able to bike. It's exhausting and I still have 3 more weeks. I guess it's expected since I have been distracted until now. But I am keeping busy as much as I can. I will have to find something to do this weekend though and the next long one or I will go nuts.  I'm grateful for... - Hope for healing of my arm and from him - Family and realization of stuck patterns  - My job 

My arm is healing I think. It hurts less when I wake up, which is a good sign. I am so tired of this sling though. It makes my arm sore. I am trying not to rush this process, but man do I want to heal already. I have this feeling like I did when I broke my pelvis in that I want this feeling to last. Slow mornings, relaxed, calm, no urgency to get on the bike or do hard things. I need to hold on to that. I thought about George a lot yesterday, actually wanted to write him but I was strong. I can't believe it wasn't even 4 months and I feel this way still. It really took a toll on me. The nervous system has a way of holding on. I wonder what his other wives and girlfriends were like. If the saw the pattern and ran too, or if the are what he said they were like. I wonder even if Dome's mom even has bi-polar.  Now I need to stay focused on myself. I want to write my book, start my passion projects, climb summits, go to DC, spend time with Jean, go home for Christmas. Maybe star...

I am feeling better, ore free. More certain. More empowered. I had a really good day yesterday. Waking up to Papallacta, birthday rose and treat with a candle from staff, hot springs, massage,  hot springs, reading. And then home. Then the trainer, then fisio, then friends. Caro, Cris, Fer, Vi. It was the perfect celebraton. Relaxing, social connection. All I really needed. All I need. George wrote and that was triggering, but he pulls on my heart a little less each time. I am staying strong. I wrote a letter about my pattern I am ending. I burned it in my balcony when I got home. I watched it burn. I felt the pain, not just from me but everyone before me. Poppy, Tia Nana, Omie. I felt it. I feel good about this year. I don't think the pacific islands ar ein y future, I don't think the universe wants that for me. But, Ecuador still has a lot to offer. Summits, rides, friends, adventure, rewarding work. New hobbies. And when it is time I will move on to something else. Build a h...

It's my birthday. Today I turn 46. I can hear the birds chirping outside my window in Papallacta. I treated myself because I deserve that. I deserve care and tenderness and needed nature. I haven't had it easy, but I'm starting to see the light and meaning of all of this. Italy, first accident, second accident with broke shoulder. Breaking up with George. It's been a lot. I had some good stuff though, too, I climbed Cotopaxi, I put mysef out there again. I excelled on the bike and did Gravel Fest, I made some really good friends, Cris and Andrea and Caro and Vi and Fer. That is something to be grateful for. I lived. I took on challenges bigger than myself, I was vulnerable with men. But, most of all, I ended an unhealthy pattern that wasn't serving me anymore. The unhealthy pattern of letting men in my life that were making me feel limitied, and small, and without boundaries. George. I ended it waith someone I thought I could be with. I called it, listened to the al...

Patty said she had a good dream with poppy the other night. I never do. He's always mad, or sick, or frustrated. He's quiet, but that's what I dream about. I wish it were different, but this is just a sign that maybe I do still have underlying issues with him. I haven't forgave him yet. I don't forgive him for  teaching me that I am unloveable, that I'm not enough, that there is always something wrong with me. That I have to prove myself to him and others. That I'm not worthy. That I'm still single because of him. That I can't find a partner. That when I do I'm scared to death that they will reject me. That when they get close I push them away. Because he did.  I'm trying though. I'm meeting people. I'm connecting. I'm on bumble. I do wonder if I chose this life overseas to protect myself. Less of a chance to be close to someone. More of a an excuse to be alone. I have to be careful, though. I seem to have developed feelings for S...