New Beginnings

I had a dream, lots of dreams last night. The were vivid. I woke up to pee and was so tired. One of them was with papi. He was watching me participate in a class of some sort. I knew he was there behind me. He didn't say anything, he never does in my dream. He was just there. I talked to Maria Elena for a while yesterday. It was good, her daughter went through something similar. I think I finally touched the wound with George. It opened up. And then it was just me and my wound for 6 weeks. So, I need to keep working on it. I was carrying something that wasn't mine. I was put in a role to achieve and be strong, and maybe that wasn't me. I was ignored my mommy when I should have been protected. That's the wound. And now I see what's familiar instead of what's me. Traveling for work and instability, extreme adventures, men that remind me of papi. But, now I know this. And I want stability. I want my little house and bike group and community. I want a job where I ca...

I had a good day yesterday. Went for a walk in metro with Fer and Chris, did the trainer, went to the club with Fer and we ate lunch and spent time in the pool. I got home and relazed, went for another walk, and talked to mommy. I still talk about George. He is still on the front of my mind. But, that's ok. I knew he would be hard to let go. It's the feeling of being chosen that I miss the most. How loveable he was. I am grieving that part mostly. I keep looking for reasons to justify my decision and I am tired of it. I made the right decision. Trust that. Just trust that Anni. Now I need to move on. And the only way to do that is to block him from instagram. Vut him out of my life. My pattern is to go back to him, or try to be friends with him. I want to. I really do. I want to show up at his place. I want to kiss him, But, we can't go back. Because then he would still have his financial problems, he would still be living in that place, he would still want to see me more t...

I had a little set back yesterday. It happened on my walk to my massage. It was Jay Shetty about people who drain you. Everything made sense when I thought about George, but then he says you don't have to defriend them. You can still be friends with them because connection is important and not every relationship is easy. That hurt. He wasn't talking about romantic relationships though, like partners. You can't take breaks from that. But, still, he got me thinking a lot about how I feel like maybe I gave up too soon, But what's interesting is that I keep doing this, looking for something external to justify my decision. My talk with Majo, Vicky on the way back from the movies, podcasts, research on how long people who are anxious love bomb. I feel better, than I feel worse, then I feel better depending on what is out there. That's me trying to justify my decision, always. But, here's the thing, Anni. You know you made the right decision. So, the work is trusting ...

At the very end of my day yesterday when I was still missing George, I looked up something that helped me a lot. I asked AI how long the love bombing lasts for men with anxious attachment. And there it was, doesn't last more than 6 months. I knew it. He was already leaning towards manipulation and accusing me of not loving him the same way at month almost 4. Elizabeth mentioned that  it wouldn't last forever, but somehow I thought it would. I thought that maybe I was losing a love I've never had. But they were just words, not actions. He didn't respect my boundaries, and I forgive him for that because I know he couldn't. He wasn't capable. His anxious attachment wouldn't allow it. I was willing to work with him on this, but I don't think it would have helped. I was feeling drained. He was desperate to be connected to me. I remember when we made up I even said I wanted a glass of wine, and he wanted to come back to my place and have sex. He had needs, dee...

I can't get that song out of my head, un cafecto contigo. I started it. I slipped. He responded. And now I can't get hi mout of my head. I am trying to ket him go, but it's not easy especially with not much going on and being injured. Nothing to distract me. I do wonder what I would be feeling if I was biking and this injury never happened. But, that's not the case. This happened for a reason. And it sent me to Kat. And I realized I need to forgive poppy because he had it tough. And mommy because she was just tryng to support us and carry us. And that I need to pursue nursing. That's the gift. I also know what to look for in a man, and what to run away from. Someone kind hearted, stable, and respects my space and boundaries. Someone I feel like myself with. George wasn't him and I have to remember what Elizabeth said, he did a number on my nervous system and I am still healing. The reinforcement through intagram doesn't help. And he will find someone else to...

I posted a sunrise from my balcony with a view of the volcanos and this song, un cafecito contigo. I was doing it for him. Probably not the most mature thing to do, but felt like I needed to connect in some way. Well, he did the same. He posted a picture and the same song. We are connected. I smiled. I felt better. That's the cycle. The song mentions exactly what I miss. The coffees in bed or somewhere else when we used to talk about life, anything, everything. It could go on forever. That's what I miss. That's the truth. Not the pressure I felt, not the stress that came with his situation, not the worry when I pictured a life with him and he had no money, not how he though me needing space was a threat or a gift he was giving me, not that I felt like I had to say Amor every time I talked to him or he would get upset, not that I had to rehears how I said hello and goodbye to him on the phone so he wouldn't get upset. Not that he didn't fix his car or go to the docto...