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Choosing Myself

I had a good session with David. He asked good questions an dI felt comfortable with him. We talked about poppy and how he maybe wasn't aware of what he was doing to us. I don't know where that came from, the eight thing. Such a targeted thing, and he wasn't even thin or fit or anything. So strange. I talked about George. He keeps coming up. And that was fine, but then with Claude I realized something. I need to stop searching for a resolution, an answer of what if. I just need two accept that he needed to much for me and I was giving more than I could at the time. We were both going through a bad season. And I will never know what would or could have happened. That's all. I need to trust myself and how I felt in the moment when I made the decision, twice. Be ok with that, Anni. No more looking for answers or replaying or seeing what he will post. Just be grateful for learning as much as I did and for now knowing what I want. And leave it there. And like David said, be ...
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Getting There

I had a rough day yesterday with George thoughts, but I think it's my period that's probably a week away. I have a plan this weekend so I am good. Just need other decide if I do addax or Titos. I think I want to do Audax. Will need to tell Ari today. Soon. I see David today for the first time. That will be interested, but I do have a lot to talk about. I want to understand why I keep holding on to this pattern. How to break it in practice. Maybe I will tell him that I still think about George. And how I wonder if I was too quick to leave even though Elizabeth said I didn't leave soon enough. I hive too many chances. I'm a good person. I just need more boundaries, and to stick to them. I will get there. I am getting there. Today I think I will start preparing for an interview for the CHOPS position. I want to be ready. And not rushed. I like thinking about what that life would look like. Starbucks, my own place, bike to work, part of randouneers and another group, meet n...
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Ready For Both

Fischer is in the hospital. I hope he's ok. I had tough day off yesterday. I thought it would be more relaxing but it was more thinking about George. My mind is trying to keep me connected I think.I tend to go there when I have down time. When I'm bored or idle. But, That's ok. Now I need to get busy with something., If I were busy I wouldn't be thinking of him so much. Let's see what happens with this job. I am hoping I get it, but I could also not. I need to be prepared for both. If I get it, I will be busy. I will make a plan and start preparing. Maybe even take home leave. If I don't, then well I need to fin da way to get busy. Take MTB group classes, keep riding, start hiking again. Work on my passion project. Let's see what the universe brings. I will be ready for both. I'm grateful for... - Fischer being ok - Seeing Cris and Fer yesterday - Seeing Ariana yesterday 
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Disturbing Dream

I had a disturbing dream yesterday. So much happened. First, I was with Peter and mommy, and Chris and  Jason and the family. And we were drinking a lot. I smoked pot. Then I had sex with poppy. I know. So disturbing. Maybe we were just fooling round. It hurts to even write this. My dream ended with me riding my yellow gravel bike and me standing there and then all of a sudden it was gone. I asked around and looked for it, but couldn't find it. A cop said you need to be careful around here. I remember thinking this is the 3rd bike I've had stolen in dreams. It was intense. I still miss George, being with him. Not his instability or his anxious attachment style, but our talks and nights in bed, and talks in the morning. The slow walks in the afternoons. I miss that. He was drowning and maybe he thought I would want to save him. But, I couldn't. I couldn't save him and cater to his attachment needs. It was too much. Maybe if it was just one, I could have managed. But both...
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A Hobby

I'm going riding for the first time with the group today. I will stay behind. It feels weird. I thought I would be more excited. More ready. But, something has shifted. I don't feel the same way about it. Maybe that will change. It doesn't feel like a passion anymore, but more like a hobby. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that's what it was always supposed to be. A hobby.  I'm grateful for... - Life - My job and hope for the CHOPS position if that's what's meant for me - Family and friends 
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It's Time

I slept for 10 hours. It was nice. I feel more rested than yesterday. Yesterday was nice though to do nothing. I needed it. I was so tired. I even took a nap for almost 2 hours. I applied for the chops position yesterday. Let's see what happens. I actually really want it this time. More of a job security than anything. And stability. And a home. And a place to call home. I feel that here, but not anymore. I know time is ticking. In June next year it will only be a year. I will need to start looking anyways. And then I'm out. Then all of this would have been in the past, just like Panama. A good memory. And some bad ones. Today is Monday. I will face the day. I will work hard. I will do some strength training, I will go to Ani. I will get my massage. I will get through today. Just like every day, but today is hard because it's my first day back after a while. Altitude also. It will be fine. It will be ok. Ecuador doesn't feel like home anymore. I hate to say it, Burt I t...
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Love Isn't Enough

Yesterday was a long day. I did a ride share ride which was nice but cold on mt. Vernon trail. Then I flew to Houston, then 3 hours layover, then Quito. I got home around 1:30. Long day. But, I'm home now. I can apply for that job. I can bike again. I can have a routine again. I am ok. I thought about him at the end of the night, last flight. The good parts. That seems to happen after a couple of days of seeing him as a villain. I thought about how we were cute together, how we would laugh a lot. How his gestures would make me laugh. It was light, it was fun, it was real most times. That's the hardest part. Love isn't enough. That wasn't enough. If it were we would still be together. But I have wounds, he has wounds, they found each other, and I didn't feel safe in the relationship. I felt good with him, and close, and loving, and loved, and a part of his life, but it was all too fast. And the real things matter too. I was nervous to tell him simple things, I regula...
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