New Beginnings

I'm in DC. I went to see Jenny when I got here. Got a bike share and rode to my old place, the Whole Foods. It was nice to see her and the kids, and talk while trick or treating. She's so anxious about Jason not writing her back. I thought about George a lot on the trip here. Mostly because of Italy. Him dropping me off, me checking in. Thinking about someone thinking about me at home. It was nice. I would be having a video call with him right now. I miss that. I don't miss what followed in Italy, but I miss that. Someone caring about me. I have friends that do. And family. But it's not the same. He cared about me or did he just need me close? I will always wonder about that. How much of it was love and how much of it was anxious attachment. I was the person he needed. But, was I his person? I will never know.  I had a dream so vivid about me walking with Patty and I stopped to observe a plane in the sky. I think it was in Ecuador. The wings were flapping as if one was ...

I had my last session with Elizabeth yesterday. It was good. I think I am good. I don't have anything she is worried about. Maybe some relational parental issues, but that's ok. I know that. Maybe some adjustment disorder, but even she said it was just for the insurance. I really did like working with her. But, I also felt like it was a chapter closing. the leaning the patterns chapter. With David I can maintain that and go beyond understanding. Because I get it now, and now the practicing part is the work. Actually going against the same types of men, same comfort, same instability. I now know I needed to earn love and be the savior and that I was attracted to men who needed me to be and even took advantage of it. I let them cross boundaries, and I never said anything because I wanted them to be happy. I regulated their emotions because I did that wth poppy and that's why I kept staying and going back. Because I wanted them to be ok, and I felt sorry for them. I was attrac...

I had a good day yesterday with Jean. We went to Tena on Tuesday and came back yesterday. It was a smart idea. Her idea. The place wasn't comfortable. I am not a fan of the amazon. It reminds me of Panama, which is fine but was never my thing. Bugs, jungle, no air conditioning. Not my thing. Not her thing either, apparently. But, it's better. I need 2 days to unwind here. Get some stuff done and be helpful to her. She's been so good to me. We still got to see 3 volunteers and we still enjoyed the drive, She eats like me too, a little.  From Tena: I talked to Jean today about George, and the details of moments. I remember how anxious and frustrated and helpless I felt. I was losing myself. It was so clear. So clear when I was talking to her. So logical. But. I still had feelings. I still have feelings. Which isn’t enough. But, why do I still have feelings if I was treated that way? Why did I still love papi even though I was treated that way? Because I learned to tolerate it...

I had a much better day yesterday. Jean helped a lot, It was a good day at work and she was a hit with the staff. My period continued on day 5, which made me realize how my emotions were affected. But the best news is that my bone is consolidated. Yes, the doctor said it looked perfect. I was so happy. So happy. I can get my life back again. Of course, I will take it slow, but at least I am back. I don't want to to go back into what I was doing. Escaping my feelings. No, this time I am going to do it for fun. I miss it, but miss the people more. I also said goodbye to Justin. At first it was just space and in a text, but he got angry and said it should have been a phone call. Maybe he was right, but I don't owe him anything. He was already turning into someone else. Not the man I knew. And then he said I was damaged. That we were. F that. No-one is calling me damaged anymore, because I am not. I am quite the opposite actually. There is nothing wrong with me. And that's not ...

I had a really hard day yesterday. Really hard emotionally. It started out fine, but could feel the sadness of George in my throat when I woke up. Then I decided to go to el Centro with Esteban. He was nice, and we went to la basilica, but it was so hard. He tried to teach me about the history, which George did when we went there. It was like I was back in that day before we went to the airport for Italy. It was hard because I wasn't present with Esteban. I just wanted the date to be over so I could go in my car and cry. But, he kept talking, there was no connection. No questions about me. And then, there it was. He started to talk about his ex and it was so obvious that he wasn't fully over her yet. That was the hardest part because he kept saying how she wanted space and didn't want him to live with her. That doesn't sound familiar at all. Well it was, and when he started saying that he was hurting so much and the were off and on and that she was selfish, I lost it in...

I've had a couple rough days with George. Reliving, doubting myself again, thiking of what could have been, wishing it was different. I guess it's normal. Was I in love? Maybe with the idea of us. Maybe with teh relationship. But, I don't know. It sure felt like nothing I've ever felt. It felt like love. But that's ok, I need to keep moving. Keep focusing on what is in front of me. On my life. On moving on. Don't fight it. Just be sad. You are lonely, you are injured, you are bored, it's the weekend, you are on your period. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to miss him. Don't fight it, just let it pass through you. You thought it would be different and it wasn't, twice. You gave it three chances. You were clear with what you needed. You felt stressed. He wasn't good for you and you loved him. Both can be true. You liked spending time with him and you needed your space that he couldn't give you. You liked being close to him and the constant s...