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I talked to Peter yesterday. It was triggering when he talked about Mary, how she was living rent free and saving money and makes a lot of money. I was jealous, not of being with him but of them. I always pictured myself with someone successful. Where the two of us would be well off with out kids. I don't know how likely that is now, but I still have hope. It could still happen. I hope. I could use a partner, someone even like Felipe that is as crazy as I am. Where we go on trips together. Adventurous. That is more important than successful. As long as he can stand on his own feet. Not like Justin who was lost and followed me around like a puppy. Not like Peter who was lost emotionally and not sure about me. He needs to be sure about me wherever he is.  I don't think I will go to Ambato. I want to see Edwinn instead, and be well trained for culebra. I want to do well. Ambato will be ok, but I'm kind of over that group. They gossip too much, and I am not that into it. I can ...
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Feeling Greateful

I feel lucky. I have my family. Sisters that love me. Patty as my best friend. Life. Friends. A great job. A place to live that's nice. y health. A cyclig community. Financial security. All that is missing is love, but that's ok. I don't know if I'm ready sometimes. I need to heal more I think. There is something missing. Something I'm not remembering. Marcela reached out yesterday reminding me of my friend Annie when I was like 6. I don't remember much. I was that age though 5 or 6 when teh healers tell me I was sexually assaulted. I wonder where that was. She had lots of brothers. That I remember. They were playful. I am adjusting to teh altitude again. Headache. I am thinking about Ayaguasca again. Maybe this is my year. Let's see what Andrea says. If she has a good session maybe I will consider it. I think it might be the healing journey I need. I'm grateful for... - Life - Friends - Financial security - Family - My health physically mentally and emo...
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Proved Wrong Again

Well, I did it. I proved myself wrong again. I have to remember this. Push myself because it always turns out ok. It was great to see Andrea and Jenny and we got closer. I had my space. I was able to bike. I know they judged me for it a little, but I don't care. I needed space for 10 days and I was preemptive about it. I biked almost every day, which is not what I expected. The start was a little weird getting used to their habits, like Jenny's slurping and how they both eat with their mouths open. I don't feel so bad not doing the race either. In the end, I got to do a great ride on my own and they only were 3 hours. Galapagos was fun. Scuba was amazing with all the sharks and I wasn't nervous this time. I was reminded of when I tried to scuba with Peter. It was bad. I couldn't breathe. I was having the first signs of my breakdown I think. I know. That was August and I broke down in November. Only a couple months after that. The hip pain when I got back did it. I w...
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Space

We are in day 3. Jenny and Andrea did the race yesterday and I rode. It was a nice ride. I really did enjoy it. Safe, pretty, rolling hills. The best part was I that I was riding and I had my space. This trip feels a little like work to be honest. I don't feel relaxed at all, yet. Hopefully I will in the Galapagos. The truth is I only feel relaxed when I am riding on vacation. If not it's all logistics. I know that, too., This is different because they are here. So, I just need to Make the best of it. enjoy my time with them. And learn from it. Next time make it shorter, or go somewhere where I don't have to host.  It's funny too because I haven't been around people like this in a while. Justin was my only practice, and he was a good guest. But, I am noticing that it wasn't just Justin. It's everyone. Jenny eats loudly, so does Andrea. Just laying next to Jenny watching that movie was so annoying. She smacks her lips. At dinner she slurps her soup. Justin di...
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Your Vacation Too

It's 5:15. I woke up early again. I always do. I spent a lot of time with Andrea and Jenny yesterday. It was ok. I still can't relax or disconnect but I think that's because I am still in hostess mode. Yesterday was just ok. They didn't appreciate the Centro historio that much and dinner was a bust, but Jenny picked it. Today we will hike and then go to the race. I will ride there on my own, which is fine. I could use the space. I am going to bike today, probably the trainer. I don't need to ride outside today. I really want to go to the bathroom. I am off there for some reason. I think it's because I'm stressed. I can't relax. Relax, Anni. This is your vacation too. They don't care if I bike. I had a dream Marcela was leaving and I was busy trying to date two guys. Was funny. They were younger than me and not promising. I want to date someone. I feel ready. I think. I hope Kavita doesn't push on Samoa. I don't want to go. I don't want to...
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My Drug

Ok get excited. Jenny and Andrea will be here tomorrow. I am not excited. In fact I feel the same way I did when Justin came. Maybe it wasn't Justin after all. It's me. I'm the damaged one that doesn't know how to share space. That gets excited until it gets close. I wouldn't feel this way if it were Patty. She wouldn't care if I biked either. Either would Sonja. Maybe it's just finding the right breaks. I am noticing that I need cycling. It masks something. It calms a part of me. Like a drug. Interesting part is it is cycling with people that I crave. Not alone. I could also see it as a passion. I could research others that have this dilemma. I could see it as a good thing. A form of exercise. A passion. A desire. A reason to live. A positive drug. I looked up a blog post from last year when I talked to Kat and found this. Bingo.  We talked about how I am different, an alien in a way. And that I have a high energy usually that's hard to keep up in this ...
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5 Minutes

I should stop scrolling so much. Maybe give myself a limit because it's healthy to a point. 5 minutes. Just like when I was googling my injuries. It stopped after a while. It worked. So there it is. 5 minutes. No more scrolling after that because I need that time for other things. More productive things. I had a nice relaxing day yesterday. It was good after Saturday's ride to Cayambe. I felt ok, but I think I was tired. I woke up and didn't really feel like riding. Then, it was raining and Fer and I went back and fourth and eventually decided not to ride. Sonja called, which was nice. I have so much energy first thing in the morning. we talked about my health business idea. I think I'm going to learn more. Get a certification. Take a course. Get a credential. I love learning about health. Like Sonja said, I love talking about it. I always have. Health and exercise. So there it is. I will start doing that during work hours. Build my side hustle in the next two years. I ...
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