New Beginnings

I'm good. I feel good. Edwin wrote me yesterday mentioning his injury. Torn meniscus. Not good. No hard feelings. I think he might think I don't like him and used all that as an excuse. That's not true but I don't need to tell him. What's done is done. No hard feelings. Moving on. And so will he. Work was good yesterday. I felt energized. Ann is low, feels defeated. She gets so intertwined in this Marco thing. He wasn't wrong. I get it. I do the same in meetings. Her ego got bruised. But, Ann is so emotional sometimes with these things and gets affected. I think space is probably better. I gave her space yesterday. Steven wrote me yesterday. I will write him back. He actually seems like he would be a good friend. Stable, smart, good heart, good head on his shoulders, healthy. The kind of men I want to be around. Now I focus on nursing school. Saving money. Building muscle. Adventure. Connection. The rest will follow naturally.  I feel like I'm on the right t...

I'm better today. I feel good about my decision with Edwin and how I handled it. His response of hmmm....that was unexpected just confirmed the guy he is. Not a bad guy at all, just with different intentions than me. And that's ok. I will find that man one day. Just not now. I talked to Andrea and Jenny and Sonja about it. They all agreed. I am breaking a pattern. I am saying no early. I am on the right track. The Esther Perel podcast hit home too. A 26 year old woman was on it and it sounded like me. Couldn't feel like herself in relationships. Driven to be perfect at her hobby. Abusive dad but she understood it wasn't intentional. All of it. My goal is to be myself in my next relationship. I felt like me and calm with Justin. I don't know if that would have been the same if he were here though. Living here.  I had a dream my knee was injured. It hurt to bend, but I could run when my doctor asked me to. It was something with my scar from stitches, like an infection...

I'm sad, but proud of myself. I told Edwin I didn't want to continue seeing each other because we want different things. I feel like I attract unavailable men. I do, and that makes sense. I had to earn love as a kid. I had to earn it with Peter and Matt. Justin felt safe but he wasn't the right one. I want safe. Not pressure, or trying to be someone I'm not. Someone that respects me when I say let's slow down. He wasn't any of these things and I know that I would just get hurt. It's not fear. It's knowing the pattern and breaking it. Be easy on yourself. It didn't work out this time. There will be more opportunities. There are lots of men out there that would love to be with me if they met me. I just need to be patient and open. 

I went on my second date yesterday with Edwin. It was a mistake to go to his house. I now understand why he wanted that, though. I don't think he would have wanted to go out anyways. We didn't even talk 20 minutes before he kissed me. He gave me a tour and we went to his bed. He was persistent. It was a dumb move on my part. But part of me wanted to be close to someone again. A big part of me. So we kissed. A lot. He's such a good kisser. I was reminded that I can be passionate about someone again. I still have that spark in me. I am capable. I wanted that with Justin and Peter, but nothing. I had that with John, but he didn't want to commit. I can't seem to get it right. Edwin doesn't want a relationship. I think he made that clear. He wants to travel the world. Be present. Undecided about being with one person. I get it. I don't get that mindset for 47, but I get it. The thing is I know what will happen if I continue to see him. We will be casual, have cas...

I had a session with Elizabeth yesterday. It was good. It's getting better. I still think about what Jenny said about finding someone who can help heal my trauma. We don't go deep, but that's ok right now. Eventually I will have to find a way to heal this wound. She is a problem solver like me. We talked about Justin and how I did try to have the separation and it didn't work. I tried. We failed. He called. I called. But after talking to Jenny yesterday and seeing what Tim is doing to her I am more sure I can't talk to Justin. I hurt him. I played games. I was unstable. I think he finally realized that. That I was damaged in some way like Jenny thinks of Tim. I don't want to be friends with someone who thinks I'm hurting them or did. It could also just me simply what Elizabeth says. He just wasn't the right fit. So simple. Regardless, I am clear now. Done with thinking about being friends with Justin. No more of that. Let's see how I feel and where I...

I had a dream I missed Guangopolo. They came to my house, we started late. I kept having to get stuff. Then, last minute I went back upstairs to tell Ann and Robert (my boss) that I was feeling sick and was going to be late. I went back down and they were gone. I was upset. I think with this Ambato trip I canceled, I'm feeling like I am missing an opportunity. That's been bothering me. But, if I do go I will feel like I missed an opportunity to see Edwin and do well in the 200K. I Willa always be missing out on something. Trust your decisions, Anni. I'm grateful for... - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - My job - Family and talking to Susi again