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You're Unloveable

I kept repeating this to myself when I woke up. It was a dream, but I couldn't stop repeating it. Over and over again. Steven said it to me, and Marcela was there and also asked if I was friends with the people I've dated. As if I had a problem. There was something about me doing something that everyone was talking about. I was sad, I left sad. But, I get stuck on the unloveable part. If I dreamt it I must think that about myself. Sergio said he was coming to Quito in 8 days and almost suprised me earlier. I got tense, I got excited, I got nervous. I immediately started to think of all the things wrong with me. My teeth, my wrinkles, how he would be unfaithful, how he would spend the night and then leave, how it would be too complicated to keep going. Instead I just need to see this as a friend coming for a few days, and let's see where it takes us. It's just as much of my decision as his. I googled dating Colombians and lost interest when I read they were unfaithful. I...
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Just Let Him Go

It's Sunday. I had a good week. I was busy, I was productive, I bonded with the trainees. I went on a ride with Lost Titos, and got dropped at the end. I stayed with Lenin and we rode back together. It was a good ride. I am starting to notice that Ruth isn't that great of a cycling partner, she gets fixated on Nilson's wheel and doesn't look back. I'm also kind of over the Titos. It will be good to get a sense of what gravel fest will be like today. Hopefully not technical at all. Let's see. I went of a a long walk yesterday to the grocery store and it was nice. The weather was amazing. Cool, spring weather. I also talked to Sonja, which was good. I told her about all my guys. Today will take all day, so I just need to enjoy it. And then another week starts. Here we go again. I talked to Justin yesterday. I need to tell him again we can only be friends. He does this to himself. I was annoyed by him, I am realizing I really do't want anything else. That chapt...
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Fer

I'm going on a ride with Fer today. It should be good. I like hanging out with her. I have a new friend, like Sonja. Tomorrow should be interesting. It's funny how Andre's comment about margaritas made me anxious. I haven't talked to mommy in a while. I can call her this week. It's been a busy week, but a good one. I like being busy at work. I need that. Hopefully that will continue. I am still talking to Sergio. He's almost at this destination, Ushuaia. I wonder if he will come back to Quito to meet me. I like him. I don't want to get my hopes up though. I have to keep trying on bumble. Things didn't work out with Sebas, but at least I got a second date. I am not going to overthink why there wasn't a third, and I will settle with he is just too busy. That's all that was. Weird though, not one message. It's probably for the best.  I read somewhere that when you are about to go through a big change, the universe tests you. I wonder if it's...
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Slow Love

I had a good day yesterday. I like helping. I really do. I helped the trainees, I bought them lunch after our bike talk. I do enjoy spending time with them. So much energy, innocence, hope. I helped Alfonso too with the helmets. Let's see how many go with me today. I spoke less with Sergio, gave him space. He is still writing, checking in, saying goodnight. That's a good thing. Consistency. It's important to feel wanted. And he is so good at that. I looked back at our texts, we started with WhatsApp on February 26. That's almost a three weeks now of talking every day. I like him. I also like that he doesn't come on so strong. Mentions friends, heart shaped emojis, but nothing else. We are both protecting ourselves. But, I am realizing that coming on strong isn't a good thing. Sure, it makes me feel good. It makes me feel validated. But, it's not real. It's not love. They don't know me yet. How could they love me? How could they even like me? Sergio i...
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I Know You

 I had a dream that I was with Jenny and Andrea, and we were going to have dinner. There were two oder women sitting at our table and were excited to see me. I was confused. I didn't recognize them. They were convinced and showed me songs and messages I didn't recognize. I think this is. sign I'm growing. I'm changing. I'm not the person I was. I'm not following the pattern I always did. I'm learning tow all away, to say no, to ask for what I want. To smile. To understand where that all came from. Old beliefs. They knew me then, but they don't know me now.  I also had a dream of alligators. I was watching a little boy and alligators kept popping up everywhere. That must be from the documentary I watched, but the watching the little boy part is familiar. I had dreams of watching kids before, protecting them.  Yesterday I went on the girls ride to Zuleta. It was nice to talk and ride and not feel tired. Socialize a bit is something that I am starting to li...
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Connect

I think I have parasites or something again. My stomach is not great. We are going to Zuleta today with the girls. I think it will be fun, but I'm in a rut again. I think it's because the high of the gallon tornado is over. I'm back to thinking of what to do with my time. What external forces will make me feel better. That's the thing though. It needs to be internal. I needs to come from inside. I'm at peace. I just need more ways to connect. That's all. Connection during the weekend. That's the goal. So, what can I do to connect more? More coffees with Fer. Stay on the dating app. Volunteer. Hike with Tim's group. If he puts up another hike I will join. It would be a good way to meet more people.  I'm grateful for... - Life - Hope for love - Sergio in my life right now - Inspiring Steve to make a move and get out of his rut - Having a safe ride yesterday despite the close calls - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - Helping Patty with h...
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Add On

Love, oh love. Haha I just have to laugh about it. Sebas kind of disappeared. It's ok, better off that way actually. I'm not hurt. I got a lot of his time. I got to know him. The mystery went away. And Sergio, well he's Colombian so I will enjoy it while it lasts. As for Steven, I can go ahead and take him off the list. He's 52 and lost. I chatted with him yesterday on the phone and felt like his therapist. I want a man who can challenge me, not only the other way around. As for Justin, there he is. Waiting. I told him I wasn't going to Samoa so he may disappear on his own. It's not completely dead, but dead in my mind. I am not sure if that counts for the tarot reader. I go back to what she said. 6 years..geez. I will be friends with someone for 6 years and then together. That's way too long. And Ecuadorian? Does that mean I will stay here? And through work. So interesting. I have been obsessing a little in my head, and not sleeping that well. I have to cat...
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