New Beginnings

It's funny I have this mindset that I want to jump ship when things get tough with relationships. for example, this whole thing with the 12 seconds. I messed up by saying she cheated, but I followed her and didn't mention that. I ruminated. I went from a small misunderstanding to they think im a cheater and bad cyclist and don't like me anymore. I should leave. That's the mindset. rumination over a small mistake. I can make mistakes. That's the drill sergeant in me. You suck. You're useless. You ruined it. Go. Get out of here. But, I won't. I won't leave. I like it here. I will stay and enjoy this time. Nobody is thinking about this. Maybe Chris, but I can explain it to her. Maybe it's not that big of a deal. Don't make this a thing. Don't let this bring you down. It's over. Why do I bring it back? Because my integrity matters. And I broke it a little. That's ok. I won't do it again. Especially now.  I like what I read about datin...

Papi said no again, in my dream. We were leaving to go somewhere with Marcela and one of the kids. The family was around. He said no. Papi said no we can't go. I have this engrained in me. I can't let him go. That voice. That firmness. That person I remember he was. As a kid, as a teenager, as an adult until he got sick. I wish I could remember the good parts too.  I heard from Jean that the CHOPS position is probably a no go. Way too competitive, which I expected. My gut didn't want it anyways. It was a good idea for financial stability, but probably not the bet move. I got to be CD. I am CD. I will be for 2 more years. Enjoy it while I can. Stay put like the trait reader said. Like Kat said. Embrace being here. In Ecuador. Save money. Get your pre-requisites. Be happy.  On the men front, I have been talking to Sergio a lot. He is the type of man I long for. Sweet, open, adventurous, challenges me mentally. Let's see how it turns out. He still has almost a month to his...

She beat me by 12 seconds. So I am second again, haha. The brevet 200k Culebrillas again, 4000 m of climbing. I don't mind actually. I do this for the love of the sport. I hate competition. I saw her and started to get nervous. Stressed. It was better not to have other women around me. So, she beat me. I made the wrong decision of not going around the round a bout. Then, I could have complained. But, you know what. Who cares. I still won in mi mind because she walked Carreta. I felt so strong. I pushed so hard. My heart rate average was 137, higher than normal. It's interesting though because my calories burned were the same as Andrea and her average was in the 150s. Anyways, great ride. Good to push hard. Great to ride with someone the entire time. Fun climbs. Good people. Great support. It was great, Much better than last year when I rode alone.  Then there's Sergio. I have been chatting with him for a few days now. Maybe a week. I am trying to be conscious of not getting...

I'm incredibly bored at work. I think about that though, About Andrea and what she said about Ayahuasca. What Kat said. Look at what's around you. Embrace that. Instead of looking round for other things. I need to sit with that for a moment. I could be more engaged at work. I could start planning the program plan design. I could visit Volunteers. I actually might try to do that during cultural week. I could organize something with the trainees. I could start my pre-requisites for nursing school. I could look up schools in North Carolina. I could invest my savings. I could write my book. I could do more, I need a fire under me that's all. But, I don't always need chaos to step up. I can step up now. Today. No more procrastinating. I'm grateful for... - Life and getting to live - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - My job  - Hope to meet my partner when the time is right  - My friends and family 

I'm good. I feel good. Edwin wrote me yesterday mentioning his injury. Torn meniscus. Not good. No hard feelings. I think he might think I don't like him and used all that as an excuse. That's not true but I don't need to tell him. What's done is done. No hard feelings. Moving on. And so will he. Work was good yesterday. I felt energized. Ann is low, feels defeated. She gets so intertwined in this Marco thing. He wasn't wrong. I get it. I do the same in meetings. Her ego got bruised. But, Ann is so emotional sometimes with these things and gets affected. I think space is probably better. I gave her space yesterday. Steven wrote me yesterday. I will write him back. He actually seems like he would be a good friend. Stable, smart, good heart, good head on his shoulders, healthy. The kind of men I want to be around. Now I focus on nursing school. Saving money. Building muscle. Adventure. Connection. The rest will follow naturally.  I feel like I'm on the right t...

I'm better today. I feel good about my decision with Edwin and how I handled it. His response of hmmm....that was unexpected just confirmed the guy he is. Not a bad guy at all, just with different intentions than me. And that's ok. I will find that man one day. Just not now. I talked to Andrea and Jenny and Sonja about it. They all agreed. I am breaking a pattern. I am saying no early. I am on the right track. The Esther Perel podcast hit home too. A 26 year old woman was on it and it sounded like me. Couldn't feel like herself in relationships. Driven to be perfect at her hobby. Abusive dad but she understood it wasn't intentional. All of it. My goal is to be myself in my next relationship. I felt like me and calm with Justin. I don't know if that would have been the same if he were here though. Living here.  I had a dream my knee was injured. It hurt to bend, but I could run when my doctor asked me to. It was something with my scar from stitches, like an infection...