New Beginnings

I woke up with cramps. I am so happy I have cramps. My period is back, finally. I was so excited when I saw blood yesterday in the bathroom. This means I'm regulating, literally. My nervous system is calming down. I am taking care of myself. I am ok. I still think about him a lot. Talking to Justin is sometimes triggering too. But, I am getting there. Almost 3 months now. I realized yesterday that I miss the idea of him, the relationship, what it could have been, what he could have been. Not the reality. That's important to remember. I am grieving my imagination of him and us. Which is still sad. I have been alone for a long time. He was my Prince Charming to rescue me. It's expected that it would hurt so much. But, it wasn't the full picture. Things were unfolding. Him asking me for money, relationship with his family, losing his business, the choices he made, not being responsible with his car or his health, vaping, not active. These all unfolded after I fell. Maybe t...

 I had a dream that I was taking volunteers to the med unit on the highest floor I thought. But we went to 19 instead of 14 and it somehow turned into a train ride that got off the tracks and we had to get off and were stuck. Some of us hitchhiked, others waited. There was a kid there, 14 years old that I was with. finally the train said it could go back. I think it's the nursing school as a second career. I thought I had a path and now my mind keeps coming back to is it worth it? I know it is, but I need to get my bearings again. I need to chose a school since the prerequisites change. I am worried about tests and grades and not getting in. I keep getting thrown off. Off the tracks. But, it's ok I will find the path again. I won't let fear of succeeding or getting in stop me. Not this time.  I'm grateful for... - Life and getting to live  - Hope for healing and good X-rays on Monday - Therapy, spiritual healing, support from friends and family  The Echo of Floor 14:...

I called Justin yesterday, it was almost automatic. Driving home from physio. He called me back hours later at night. I can sense his resentment. After our call he said that maybe we shouldn't start the habit again of talking every day. I agreed, but was hurt. He is right. I don't want him to be a replacement for George. A whole to fill. I just want him as a friend. And he will find someone else. So I am glad he said that. I think every so often is better and when we have an update to share. Like friends. Nothing else. Not a habit, not a pass time, not a almost boyfriend. Just friends. I am still not over Geaorge. Lately, I have been thinking about the good parts, dreaming of him, missing out connection, feeling sorry for him. It will get better. I will get over him. I just wish things would have been different. I wish he would have been doing well in his farm or not anxiously attached. We would still be together. Or who knows, maybe if he wasn't anxiously attached he would...

When I woke uo I thought about George. I remembered how attracted I was to him. I haven't had the before. That I just always wanted to be with him in bed. Maybe it was chemistry, maybe either was the trauma bond. Either way, it felt good. I hope I find that part again. I remembered yesterday how he told me he never wanted to be separated from me. I thought he was being romantic, but he was serious. His plan was to spend the night with me every night and go to back to the farm during the day. I told him I would think about it and he got upset. I don't know how that relationship would have worked even if I tried to change and reassure him. It was too strong, and he wasn't aware. I wonder of all the times he agreed with me or told me something if it was true or just a reason to get closer. I remember the questions he would ask me in the morning like would you marry me, where do you see us in 5 years, do you remember the first time you fell in love with me. He craved connection...

So many crazy dreams last night. First, I was in an ocean and the waves were huge. I didn't want to go further because I knew I would drown but everybody was swimming in a pack. I didn't go. Then I dreamt with George. This time he flipped out on me. He yelled and was angry, which is not like him, and I asked for help next door and the said to give him another chance. He flipped out so bad that I was worried about him and wanted to call Coty. Like he was going through something and he needed help. Then, I was with people and we were riding bikes with stuff to meet somewhere and I got lost and didn't know the way. I wasn't wearing much, not even a shirt, just a bra. I was looking for clothes and then texted and then woke up. I am still processing this break up. Still feeling guilty for abandoning him. Still not angry enough to just let him go. But, that's ok. That's my process. That's my healing. That's the work I need to do for the next band that enters m...

I went to Cuenca and Loja yesterday. It was nice, I saw a lot of Volunteers. I had long days. I got to know Jonathan. I felt like I had two productive days at work, something that I lost since I met George. Protective days at work. I was in lust. Leaving early, arriving late. Anything to see him. Anything to not make him wait any longer. The honeymoon phase. I wonder when it would have dissolved. Maybe it wouldn't have. Physical chemistry isn't everything though. I was talking to Darren yesterday on instagram. I am fit and smart he said. Little does he know I am so much more than that. I am pretty amazing. World traveler, good job, interesting life, nice family, close friends, cyclist, active, athletic, spiritual, deep. And for some the no kids and never married thing can be attractive. I am all those things and more. I will find someone, or he will find me. I know it.  I can't decide if I want to go to Tombopaxi. I'm tired, but I already paid.  I'm grateful for... ...