New Beginnings

I had a good day yesterday. I like helping. I really do. I helped the trainees, I bought them lunch after our bike talk. I do enjoy spending time with them. So much energy, innocence, hope. I helped Alfonso too with the helmets. Let's see how many go with me today. I spoke less with Sergio, gave him space. He is still writing, checking in, saying goodnight. That's a good thing. Consistency. It's important to feel wanted. And he is so good at that. I looked back at our texts, we started with WhatsApp on February 26. That's almost a three weeks now of talking every day. I like him. I also like that he doesn't come on so strong. Mentions friends, heart shaped emojis, but nothing else. We are both protecting ourselves. But, I am realizing that coming on strong isn't a good thing. Sure, it makes me feel good. It makes me feel validated. But, it's not real. It's not love. They don't know me yet. How could they love me? How could they even like me? Sergio i...

 I had a dream that I was with Jenny and Andrea, and we were going to have dinner. There were two oder women sitting at our table and were excited to see me. I was confused. I didn't recognize them. They were convinced and showed me songs and messages I didn't recognize. I think this is. sign I'm growing. I'm changing. I'm not the person I was. I'm not following the pattern I always did. I'm learning tow all away, to say no, to ask for what I want. To smile. To understand where that all came from. Old beliefs. They knew me then, but they don't know me now.  I also had a dream of alligators. I was watching a little boy and alligators kept popping up everywhere. That must be from the documentary I watched, but the watching the little boy part is familiar. I had dreams of watching kids before, protecting them.  Yesterday I went on the girls ride to Zuleta. It was nice to talk and ride and not feel tired. Socialize a bit is something that I am starting to li...

I think I have parasites or something again. My stomach is not great. We are going to Zuleta today with the girls. I think it will be fun, but I'm in a rut again. I think it's because the high of the gallon tornado is over. I'm back to thinking of what to do with my time. What external forces will make me feel better. That's the thing though. It needs to be internal. I needs to come from inside. I'm at peace. I just need more ways to connect. That's all. Connection during the weekend. That's the goal. So, what can I do to connect more? More coffees with Fer. Stay on the dating app. Volunteer. Hike with Tim's group. If he puts up another hike I will join. It would be a good way to meet more people.  I'm grateful for... - Life - Hope for love - Sergio in my life right now - Inspiring Steve to make a move and get out of his rut - Having a safe ride yesterday despite the close calls - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - Helping Patty with h...

Love, oh love. Haha I just have to laugh about it. Sebas kind of disappeared. It's ok, better off that way actually. I'm not hurt. I got a lot of his time. I got to know him. The mystery went away. And Sergio, well he's Colombian so I will enjoy it while it lasts. As for Steven, I can go ahead and take him off the list. He's 52 and lost. I chatted with him yesterday on the phone and felt like his therapist. I want a man who can challenge me, not only the other way around. As for Justin, there he is. Waiting. I told him I wasn't going to Samoa so he may disappear on his own. It's not completely dead, but dead in my mind. I am not sure if that counts for the tarot reader. I go back to what she said. 6 years..geez. I will be friends with someone for 6 years and then together. That's way too long. And Ecuadorian? Does that mean I will stay here? And through work. So interesting. I have been obsessing a little in my head, and not sleeping that well. I have to cat...

I thought it was interesting what Jenny sent me on instagram. How when you feel like you are attached to someone, in my case these guys im dating or maybe before Justin, then you ask: What part of me is afraid right now? And ask that part, what do you need from me instead of him? I love this. It's like a part of me is starving. That part that wants emotional connection, that part that wants to be loved. Or is it really that part that wants to be accepted. So, let's think about that. I get why. Poppy never accepted me. I was always too fat, or did things wrong. He didn't accept mommy either. Or any of us. Always criticizing. I am slowly breaking that habit I got from him. But, true acceptance. Never with me. I was always trying harder. So, maybe that attachment is wanting to be accepted, not so much wanting to be with them. I don't even know them. Justin accepted me right away. Peter never accepted me. John didn't either but acted like he did. So now the question. Th...

Sebas reminds me of John. John Stoneman. The man I always dreamed of, except he couldn't communicate. Kept me hanging, mixed messages. I don't think Sebas would od that but one thing I notice that's similar is that they are slow. Adventurers. I started thinking of John and how that first part was. We went out a lot, rode a lot, talked a lot. I didn't feel anything flirty that much during that time. It was almost 15 days. I remember being like...come on. Patience. And then one day it happened. I can see that happening with Sebas. Slow. Steady. Seeing each other. Getting to know each other. And then maybe something will happen. Maybe not. What I have to remember is that he doesn't always have to initiate. I can too. I can write him. I can ask if he wants to do something tomorrow when he is in Quito. It doesn't always have to be him. Yeah it's vulnerable, but who cares. We all are. And he is probably thinking that maybe I won't want to. I have nothing to lo...