New Beginnings

Yesterday was a long day. I did a ride share ride which was nice but cold on mt. Vernon trail. Then I flew to Houston, then 3 hours layover, then Quito. I got home around 1:30. Long day. But, I'm home now. I can apply for that job. I can bike again. I can have a routine again. I am ok. I thought about him at the end of the night, last flight. The good parts. That seems to happen after a couple of days of seeing him as a villain. I thought about how we were cute together, how we would laugh a lot. How his gestures would make me laugh. It was light, it was fun, it was real most times. That's the hardest part. Love isn't enough. That wasn't enough. If it were we would still be together. But I have wounds, he has wounds, they found each other, and I didn't feel safe in the relationship. I felt good with him, and close, and loving, and loved, and a part of his life, but it was all too fast. And the real things matter too. I was nervous to tell him simple things, I regula...

Today would have been 6 months, this is when he said he would ask me to marry him. If things would have been different maybe I would have wanted that. The feeling would be mutual, and it was at first, But, then I had doubts. Then he made me have doubts. I did a background check, I asked my friends, I asked my therapist. I was nervous that maybe he was after me for the wrong reasons. And maybe he wasn't, but he still did the things he did. I had dinner with Jenny and Jason yesterday. They listened to me telling the whole story again. This time it felt like when I told Jean. I realized how ridiculous it sounds, like a movie. Like it was planned. Like I was the target. Like I was an idiot. SO it's good to talk about it. H might be too, or is over it by now. Moved on with someone else. I don't know who if he is still living at that Airbnb. I don't think he can just take any job either. Not at his status. He would say, she was scared, she was all in and then out, she was too...

I had a dream with poppy again. This time he was quiet. I think he was quiet, didn't say anything. H was just there. I had a better day yesterday, still thought about George but less. I was triggered by podcasts and shows, but then I have to remember that's just my lizard brain. That's just the movie again. I know what happened, I know why I left. I know I didn't leave soon enough. I know I gave it a try. I know myself. I know my gut. So, here I am. day 5 of FACT. So happy to be done with this. To be done with this hotel. To go home and get back in my routine. To live again like I used to. To have bike rides to look forward to. To see my friends again. To work again. Between Jean and FACT it's been 2 weeks. I am ready to feel like myself again. Almost there.  I didn't apply yesterday because I couldn't, but I will when I get home. Sunday. I haven't thought through it too much. It's more of a just apply reaction really. I want to see how far I get. An...

I had a terrible dream that poppy owed money and these people, 4 of them, came to get it from him. the whole family was there, and us girls were almost like kids again. Everyone thought I called them to collect their money. But, I didn't. I was being blamed for it. Then, they left and we were at the dinner table and poppy asked me if there was wine left, I got him a bottle with some left and we alll sat there in this long table. He was in trouble, he had a test the next day about this money he owed. Mommy said it was hard. The wind was interesting. I remember saying, if it's not good I can go to the store and get some. I think I still have unfinished business or equaling to do with poppy. Which is why, after everything George did to me, I still feel sorry for him. I still want him to be ok, I still want to make myself smaller so he can feel less alone. Like Kat said, I am carrying something that's not mine to carry. The guilt of poppy dad killing his mom, I am still carryin...

I thought about George a lot yesterday, but getting better at thinking about it and then moving on to a different thought or what I am doing. That's the key I think. I am getting there. Hopefully one day I will have the clarity I need to realize that he wasn't for me at all. Not just a little bit. Because he wasn't. I know this deep down inside, but my emotions are just lagging behind. He wasn't the one. He was using me and he loved me. He was drowning. He was unstable. He was anxiously attached. He was irresponsible. He was in debt. He was manipulative. He didn't respect me needing space. He was happy I left Italy early. He thought of himself despite my suffering. Did he know I am not sure. I just know that he wasn't for me. I deserve better. I deserve a man who is kind and cares about me genuinely. That is ok with me taking space and taking it slow, because he wants to as well. I want a man who is attractive in his own way to me and secure. Someone who is stab...

I wanted to write him again, but I couldn't. I wanted to post on instagram. I search for the perfect song so he knows I am in pain. And then I stopped. I am trying to stay connected still. I am regulating his emotions. I don't need to do that anymore. I don't need to post on our anniversary. I just need to live my life, and keep grieving, and let him go. He wasn't good for me and I am just remembering the good parts. But, there were more important parts that made me feel like I was losing myself. I gave him money and he never talked again about giving it back. I wonder if he ever thinks about how wrong that was. He pushed my boundary for space blaming it on me and that it's in my head. That he never didn't give me my space. Gaslighting. He tried to move in and have his dogs at my place after I told him I needed space. He asked if I wanted to go in on a business with him, and then pushed on just having the meeting with Coty and Carlos. He was using me. He loved m...