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Just Friends

I called Justin yesterday, it was almost automatic. Driving home from physio. He called me back hours later at night. I can sense his resentment. After our call he said that maybe we shouldn't start the habit again of talking every day. I agreed, but was hurt. He is right. I don't want him to be a replacement for George. A whole to fill. I just want him as a friend. And he will find someone else. So I am glad he said that. I think every so often is better and when we have an update to share. Like friends. Nothing else. Not a habit, not a pass time, not a almost boyfriend. Just friends. I am still not over Geaorge. Lately, I have been thinking about the good parts, dreaming of him, missing out connection, feeling sorry for him. It will get better. I will get over him. I just wish things would have been different. I wish he would have been doing well in his farm or not anxiously attached. We would still be together. Or who knows, maybe if he wasn't anxiously attached he would...
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Choosing Myself

When I woke uo I thought about George. I remembered how attracted I was to him. I haven't had the before. That I just always wanted to be with him in bed. Maybe it was chemistry, maybe either was the trauma bond. Either way, it felt good. I hope I find that part again. I remembered yesterday how he told me he never wanted to be separated from me. I thought he was being romantic, but he was serious. His plan was to spend the night with me every night and go to back to the farm during the day. I told him I would think about it and he got upset. I don't know how that relationship would have worked even if I tried to change and reassure him. It was too strong, and he wasn't aware. I wonder of all the times he agreed with me or told me something if it was true or just a reason to get closer. I remember the questions he would ask me in the morning like would you marry me, where do you see us in 5 years, do you remember the first time you fell in love with me. He craved connection...
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Revealing Dreams

So many crazy dreams last night. First, I was in an ocean and the waves were huge. I didn't want to go further because I knew I would drown but everybody was swimming in a pack. I didn't go. Then I dreamt with George. This time he flipped out on me. He yelled and was angry, which is not like him, and I asked for help next door and the said to give him another chance. He flipped out so bad that I was worried about him and wanted to call Coty. Like he was going through something and he needed help. Then, I was with people and we were riding bikes with stuff to meet somewhere and I got lost and didn't know the way. I wasn't wearing much, not even a shirt, just a bra. I was looking for clothes and then texted and then woke up. I am still processing this break up. Still feeling guilty for abandoning him. Still not angry enough to just let him go. But, that's ok. That's my process. That's my healing. That's the work I need to do for the next band that enters m...
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Cuenca and Loja

I went to Cuenca and Loja yesterday. It was nice, I saw a lot of Volunteers. I had long days. I got to know Jonathan. I felt like I had two productive days at work, something that I lost since I met George. Protective days at work. I was in lust. Leaving early, arriving late. Anything to see him. Anything to not make him wait any longer. The honeymoon phase. I wonder when it would have dissolved. Maybe it wouldn't have. Physical chemistry isn't everything though. I was talking to Darren yesterday on instagram. I am fit and smart he said. Little does he know I am so much more than that. I am pretty amazing. World traveler, good job, interesting life, nice family, close friends, cyclist, active, athletic, spiritual, deep. And for some the no kids and never married thing can be attractive. I am all those things and more. I will find someone, or he will find me. I know it.  I can't decide if I want to go to Tombopaxi. I'm tired, but I already paid.  I'm grateful for... ...
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Inner Critics

I had the weirdest dream. The freedom diaries piece came out and I made mistakes with what I said and this group of guys were making fun of it in the video. It was more like a mocking video than professional. It was weird. I felt small. I wonder why I would feel small now. The mockers belong to my own mind. My inner critics. And I say that plural because it's not just one, feels like many. Perhaps they are surfacing for me to shut them down. Because I won't let them exist anymore. I am enough. I am worthy. I can make mistakes and still be enough. So fuck them. That's the work that I'm still doing. Being more kind to myself. Letting myself fail and laugh about it.  I was writing to Claude yesterday about George and the things that I didn't;'t mention before like the money and 3 marriages. It was good to be reminded of the full picture. It was also good to remember that his exes were always the villain. Maybe I will be too. The one that couldn't handle his str...
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Against The Current

I didn't sleep well. I found myself tossing and turning. I don't know why, maybe my dream. I woke up with a headache too, which is strange. I haven't had that in a while. I had a long day yesterday, fission at night. It messed up my whole routine. But, I had to do it. And we did bands which is good. Every session a little more. I will probably switch after we finish and I'm back from FACT. The drive is exhausting. I listened to a ted talk about break ups when I was there. Something he said got to me. That 41% of people who have had breakups and are sad still think it was a positive thing. He goes on to say that if you are in an unhealthy relationship or one that impoverishes you, when you break up you will do the things you loved and feel like you are thriving into yourself. I feel that. So I think he was impoverishing me. I know he was a weight. I still miss hm though but that will go away with time. I am proud of myself for staying strong through this and my injury, F...
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Who I Really Am

I had a dream, lots of dreams last night. The were vivid. I woke up to pee and was so tired. One of them was with papi. He was watching me participate in a class of some sort. I knew he was there behind me. He didn't say anything, he never does in my dream. He was just there. I talked to Maria Elena for a while yesterday. It was good, her daughter went through something similar. I think I finally touched the wound with George. It opened up. And then it was just me and my wound for 6 weeks. So, I need to keep working on it. I was carrying something that wasn't mine. I was put in a role to achieve and be strong, and maybe that wasn't me. I was ignored my mommy when I should have been protected. That's the wound. And now I see what's familiar instead of what's me. Traveling for work and instability, extreme adventures, men that remind me of papi. But, now I know this. And I want stability. I want my little house and bike group and community. I want a job where I ca...
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