New Beginnings

I had a terrible dream that poppy owed money and these people, 4 of them, came to get it from him. the whole family was there, and us girls were almost like kids again. Everyone thought I called them to collect their money. But, I didn't. I was being blamed for it. Then, they left and we were at the dinner table and poppy asked me if there was wine left, I got him a bottle with some left and we alll sat there in this long table. He was in trouble, he had a test the next day about this money he owed. Mommy said it was hard. The wind was interesting. I remember saying, if it's not good I can go to the store and get some. I think I still have unfinished business or equaling to do with poppy. Which is why, after everything George did to me, I still feel sorry for him. I still want him to be ok, I still want to make myself smaller so he can feel less alone. Like Kat said, I am carrying something that's not mine to carry. The guilt of poppy dad killing his mom, I am still carryin...

I thought about George a lot yesterday, but getting better at thinking about it and then moving on to a different thought or what I am doing. That's the key I think. I am getting there. Hopefully one day I will have the clarity I need to realize that he wasn't for me at all. Not just a little bit. Because he wasn't. I know this deep down inside, but my emotions are just lagging behind. He wasn't the one. He was using me and he loved me. He was drowning. He was unstable. He was anxiously attached. He was irresponsible. He was in debt. He was manipulative. He didn't respect me needing space. He was happy I left Italy early. He thought of himself despite my suffering. Did he know I am not sure. I just know that he wasn't for me. I deserve better. I deserve a man who is kind and cares about me genuinely. That is ok with me taking space and taking it slow, because he wants to as well. I want a man who is attractive in his own way to me and secure. Someone who is stab...

I wanted to write him again, but I couldn't. I wanted to post on instagram. I search for the perfect song so he knows I am in pain. And then I stopped. I am trying to stay connected still. I am regulating his emotions. I don't need to do that anymore. I don't need to post on our anniversary. I just need to live my life, and keep grieving, and let him go. He wasn't good for me and I am just remembering the good parts. But, there were more important parts that made me feel like I was losing myself. I gave him money and he never talked again about giving it back. I wonder if he ever thinks about how wrong that was. He pushed my boundary for space blaming it on me and that it's in my head. That he never didn't give me my space. Gaslighting. He tried to move in and have his dogs at my place after I told him I needed space. He asked if I wanted to go in on a business with him, and then pushed on just having the meeting with Coty and Carlos. He was using me. He loved m...

I had a goo day in DC yesterday. I did the gym then went for a long walk in DC. Then, I saw Peter. He is struggling. He needs to break up with her and leave DC. He just needs to. But, he won't. Which is why I feel so proud that I was able to. Just like that. I was able to leave him. It took two tries, but I did it. I left him. And I stayed left. So good things will happen now. That's how it works. I end a pattern and close a door and another one opens. It has to work that way, right? I am trusting that. I am trusting the process. I am trusting Kat and Elizabeth and Patty. The next guy I meet will be someone I won't notice at first because he has his world. He won't need me. That's important. Someone that doesn't need me. Someone that just wants me. Because I don't need anyone either. And that is huge. I don't need a partner, I want one. He won't need me like George did. In his own way, he was attached. And I was his person. And I think there was more...

I'm in DC. I went to see Jenny when I got here. Got a bike share and rode to my old place, the Whole Foods. It was nice to see her and the kids, and talk while trick or treating. She's so anxious about Jason not writing her back. I thought about George a lot on the trip here. Mostly because of Italy. Him dropping me off, me checking in. Thinking about someone thinking about me at home. It was nice. I would be having a video call with him right now. I miss that. I don't miss what followed in Italy, but I miss that. Someone caring about me. I have friends that do. And family. But it's not the same. He cared about me or did he just need me close? I will always wonder about that. How much of it was love and how much of it was anxious attachment. I was the person he needed. But, was I his person? I will never know.  I had a dream so vivid about me walking with Patty and I stopped to observe a plane in the sky. I think it was in Ecuador. The wings were flapping as if one was ...

I had my last session with Elizabeth yesterday. It was good. I think I am good. I don't have anything she is worried about. Maybe some relational parental issues, but that's ok. I know that. Maybe some adjustment disorder, but even she said it was just for the insurance. I really did like working with her. But, I also felt like it was a chapter closing. the leaning the patterns chapter. With David I can maintain that and go beyond understanding. Because I get it now, and now the practicing part is the work. Actually going against the same types of men, same comfort, same instability. I now know I needed to earn love and be the savior and that I was attracted to men who needed me to be and even took advantage of it. I let them cross boundaries, and I never said anything because I wanted them to be happy. I regulated their emotions because I did that wth poppy and that's why I kept staying and going back. Because I wanted them to be ok, and I felt sorry for them. I was attrac...