New Beginnings

She beat me by 12 seconds. So I am second again, haha. The brevet 200k Culebrillas again, 4000 m of climbing. I don't mind actually. I do this for the love of the sport. I hate competition. I saw her and started to get nervous. Stressed. It was better not to have other women around me. So, she beat me. I made the wrong decision of not going around the round a bout. Then, I could have complained. But, you know what. Who cares. I still won in mi mind because she walked Carreta. I felt so strong. I pushed so hard. My heart rate average was 137, higher than normal. It's interesting though because my calories burned were the same as Andrea and her average was in the 150s. Anyways, great ride. Good to push hard. Great to ride with someone the entire time. Fun climbs. Good people. Great support. It was great, Much better than last year when I rode alone.  Then there's Sergio. I have been chatting with him for a few days now. Maybe a week. I am trying to be conscious of not getting...

I'm incredibly bored at work. I think about that though, About Andrea and what she said about Ayahuasca. What Kat said. Look at what's around you. Embrace that. Instead of looking round for other things. I need to sit with that for a moment. I could be more engaged at work. I could start planning the program plan design. I could visit Volunteers. I actually might try to do that during cultural week. I could organize something with the trainees. I could start my pre-requisites for nursing school. I could look up schools in North Carolina. I could invest my savings. I could write my book. I could do more, I need a fire under me that's all. But, I don't always need chaos to step up. I can step up now. Today. No more procrastinating. I'm grateful for... - Life and getting to live - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - My job  - Hope to meet my partner when the time is right  - My friends and family 

I'm good. I feel good. Edwin wrote me yesterday mentioning his injury. Torn meniscus. Not good. No hard feelings. I think he might think I don't like him and used all that as an excuse. That's not true but I don't need to tell him. What's done is done. No hard feelings. Moving on. And so will he. Work was good yesterday. I felt energized. Ann is low, feels defeated. She gets so intertwined in this Marco thing. He wasn't wrong. I get it. I do the same in meetings. Her ego got bruised. But, Ann is so emotional sometimes with these things and gets affected. I think space is probably better. I gave her space yesterday. Steven wrote me yesterday. I will write him back. He actually seems like he would be a good friend. Stable, smart, good heart, good head on his shoulders, healthy. The kind of men I want to be around. Now I focus on nursing school. Saving money. Building muscle. Adventure. Connection. The rest will follow naturally.  I feel like I'm on the right t...

I'm better today. I feel good about my decision with Edwin and how I handled it. His response of hmmm....that was unexpected just confirmed the guy he is. Not a bad guy at all, just with different intentions than me. And that's ok. I will find that man one day. Just not now. I talked to Andrea and Jenny and Sonja about it. They all agreed. I am breaking a pattern. I am saying no early. I am on the right track. The Esther Perel podcast hit home too. A 26 year old woman was on it and it sounded like me. Couldn't feel like herself in relationships. Driven to be perfect at her hobby. Abusive dad but she understood it wasn't intentional. All of it. My goal is to be myself in my next relationship. I felt like me and calm with Justin. I don't know if that would have been the same if he were here though. Living here.  I had a dream my knee was injured. It hurt to bend, but I could run when my doctor asked me to. It was something with my scar from stitches, like an infection...

I'm sad, but proud of myself. I told Edwin I didn't want to continue seeing each other because we want different things. I feel like I attract unavailable men. I do, and that makes sense. I had to earn love as a kid. I had to earn it with Peter and Matt. Justin felt safe but he wasn't the right one. I want safe. Not pressure, or trying to be someone I'm not. Someone that respects me when I say let's slow down. He wasn't any of these things and I know that I would just get hurt. It's not fear. It's knowing the pattern and breaking it. Be easy on yourself. It didn't work out this time. There will be more opportunities. There are lots of men out there that would love to be with me if they met me. I just need to be patient and open. 

I went on my second date yesterday with Edwin. It was a mistake to go to his house. I now understand why he wanted that, though. I don't think he would have wanted to go out anyways. We didn't even talk 20 minutes before he kissed me. He gave me a tour and we went to his bed. He was persistent. It was a dumb move on my part. But part of me wanted to be close to someone again. A big part of me. So we kissed. A lot. He's such a good kisser. I was reminded that I can be passionate about someone again. I still have that spark in me. I am capable. I wanted that with Justin and Peter, but nothing. I had that with John, but he didn't want to commit. I can't seem to get it right. Edwin doesn't want a relationship. I think he made that clear. He wants to travel the world. Be present. Undecided about being with one person. I get it. I don't get that mindset for 47, but I get it. The thing is I know what will happen if I continue to see him. We will be casual, have cas...