New Beginnings

I wanted to write him again, but I couldn't. I wanted to post on instagram. I search for the perfect song so he knows I am in pain. And then I stopped. I am trying to stay connected still. I am regulating his emotions. I don't need to do that anymore. I don't need to post on our anniversary. I just need to live my life, and keep grieving, and let him go. He wasn't good for me and I am just remembering the good parts. But, there were more important parts that made me feel like I was losing myself. I gave him money and he never talked again about giving it back. I wonder if he ever thinks about how wrong that was. He pushed my boundary for space blaming it on me and that it's in my head. That he never didn't give me my space. Gaslighting. He tried to move in and have his dogs at my place after I told him I needed space. He asked if I wanted to go in on a business with him, and then pushed on just having the meeting with Coty and Carlos. He was using me. He loved m...

I had a goo day in DC yesterday. I did the gym then went for a long walk in DC. Then, I saw Peter. He is struggling. He needs to break up with her and leave DC. He just needs to. But, he won't. Which is why I feel so proud that I was able to. Just like that. I was able to leave him. It took two tries, but I did it. I left him. And I stayed left. So good things will happen now. That's how it works. I end a pattern and close a door and another one opens. It has to work that way, right? I am trusting that. I am trusting the process. I am trusting Kat and Elizabeth and Patty. The next guy I meet will be someone I won't notice at first because he has his world. He won't need me. That's important. Someone that doesn't need me. Someone that just wants me. Because I don't need anyone either. And that is huge. I don't need a partner, I want one. He won't need me like George did. In his own way, he was attached. And I was his person. And I think there was more...

I'm in DC. I went to see Jenny when I got here. Got a bike share and rode to my old place, the Whole Foods. It was nice to see her and the kids, and talk while trick or treating. She's so anxious about Jason not writing her back. I thought about George a lot on the trip here. Mostly because of Italy. Him dropping me off, me checking in. Thinking about someone thinking about me at home. It was nice. I would be having a video call with him right now. I miss that. I don't miss what followed in Italy, but I miss that. Someone caring about me. I have friends that do. And family. But it's not the same. He cared about me or did he just need me close? I will always wonder about that. How much of it was love and how much of it was anxious attachment. I was the person he needed. But, was I his person? I will never know.  I had a dream so vivid about me walking with Patty and I stopped to observe a plane in the sky. I think it was in Ecuador. The wings were flapping as if one was ...

I had my last session with Elizabeth yesterday. It was good. I think I am good. I don't have anything she is worried about. Maybe some relational parental issues, but that's ok. I know that. Maybe some adjustment disorder, but even she said it was just for the insurance. I really did like working with her. But, I also felt like it was a chapter closing. the leaning the patterns chapter. With David I can maintain that and go beyond understanding. Because I get it now, and now the practicing part is the work. Actually going against the same types of men, same comfort, same instability. I now know I needed to earn love and be the savior and that I was attracted to men who needed me to be and even took advantage of it. I let them cross boundaries, and I never said anything because I wanted them to be happy. I regulated their emotions because I did that wth poppy and that's why I kept staying and going back. Because I wanted them to be ok, and I felt sorry for them. I was attrac...

I had a good day yesterday with Jean. We went to Tena on Tuesday and came back yesterday. It was a smart idea. Her idea. The place wasn't comfortable. I am not a fan of the amazon. It reminds me of Panama, which is fine but was never my thing. Bugs, jungle, no air conditioning. Not my thing. Not her thing either, apparently. But, it's better. I need 2 days to unwind here. Get some stuff done and be helpful to her. She's been so good to me. We still got to see 3 volunteers and we still enjoyed the drive, She eats like me too, a little.  From Tena: I talked to Jean today about George, and the details of moments. I remember how anxious and frustrated and helpless I felt. I was losing myself. It was so clear. So clear when I was talking to her. So logical. But. I still had feelings. I still have feelings. Which isn’t enough. But, why do I still have feelings if I was treated that way? Why did I still love papi even though I was treated that way? Because I learned to tolerate it...

I had a much better day yesterday. Jean helped a lot, It was a good day at work and she was a hit with the staff. My period continued on day 5, which made me realize how my emotions were affected. But the best news is that my bone is consolidated. Yes, the doctor said it looked perfect. I was so happy. So happy. I can get my life back again. Of course, I will take it slow, but at least I am back. I don't want to to go back into what I was doing. Escaping my feelings. No, this time I am going to do it for fun. I miss it, but miss the people more. I also said goodbye to Justin. At first it was just space and in a text, but he got angry and said it should have been a phone call. Maybe he was right, but I don't owe him anything. He was already turning into someone else. Not the man I knew. And then he said I was damaged. That we were. F that. No-one is calling me damaged anymore, because I am not. I am quite the opposite actually. There is nothing wrong with me. And that's not ...