New Beginnings

Patty said she had a good dream with poppy the other night. I never do. He's always mad, or sick, or frustrated. He's quiet, but that's what I dream about. I wish it were different, but this is just a sign that maybe I do still have underlying issues with him. I haven't forgave him yet. I don't forgive him for  teaching me that I am unloveable, that I'm not enough, that there is always something wrong with me. That I have to prove myself to him and others. That I'm not worthy. That I'm still single because of him. That I can't find a partner. That when I do I'm scared to death that they will reject me. That when they get close I push them away. Because he did.  I'm trying though. I'm meeting people. I'm connecting. I'm on bumble. I do wonder if I chose this life overseas to protect myself. Less of a chance to be close to someone. More of a an excuse to be alone. I have to be careful, though. I seem to have developed feelings for S...

So embarrassing. I was vulnerable. I interpretated his message wrong. I must be wanting something else, something more. To be loved. A relationship. I tool lets watch something together as let's be together. So embarrassing. But, that's ok. I will still talk to him. I won't sabotage it this time. I won't let it weigh on me. I will just laugh it off and be vulnerable. That's what life is about. Just be what you are. And right now, I feel vulnerable with him. That's ok. I really don't think it will turn into anything anyways. He's there without a concrete plan to come here. I have my life too. He lives in Medellin. We will see how the cards play out. In the meantime, I will continue to date. See what happens. Go from there.  As for Justin, I need to stop talking to him. I only do it because I'm lonely. Not because I have feelings. I am still resentful from when we were in Dominican Republic. I need to tell him this weekend. It's important so he doe...

I had another disturbing dream where poppy was the villain. He was angry, he was know for being angry. I wish this would go away, but I don't think it will until I resolve these issues about him. And I don't think Elizabeth will help me get there. Maybe Ayahuasca will. I've tried therapy. There is something lingering. There is something I am still holding on to. Something holding me back. Something making me feel so insecure with other men. I want a relationship, I do. I really do. But, I am so scared I won't ever have that if I don't get to the bottom of this.  I had a conversation in person and over chat with Felipe. I am not eating enough. That's clear. I am going to see what I can do to eat more on the bike, and see what happens. I don't want to lose my period again. I want my bone strength to get better. So, that's what I will do. I will focus on this. No need to look for something else, I can dive into this. Perhaps a course. Perhaps a nutritionist...

I kept repeating this to myself when I woke up. It was a dream, but I couldn't stop repeating it. Over and over again. Steven said it to me, and Marcela was there and also asked if I was friends with the people I've dated. As if I had a problem. There was something about me doing something that everyone was talking about. I was sad, I left sad. But, I get stuck on the unloveable part. If I dreamt it I must think that about myself. Sergio said he was coming to Quito in 8 days and almost suprised me earlier. I got tense, I got excited, I got nervous. I immediately started to think of all the things wrong with me. My teeth, my wrinkles, how he would be unfaithful, how he would spend the night and then leave, how it would be too complicated to keep going. Instead I just need to see this as a friend coming for a few days, and let's see where it takes us. It's just as much of my decision as his. I googled dating Colombians and lost interest when I read they were unfaithful. I...

It's Sunday. I had a good week. I was busy, I was productive, I bonded with the trainees. I went on a ride with Lost Titos, and got dropped at the end. I stayed with Lenin and we rode back together. It was a good ride. I am starting to notice that Ruth isn't that great of a cycling partner, she gets fixated on Nilson's wheel and doesn't look back. I'm also kind of over the Titos. It will be good to get a sense of what gravel fest will be like today. Hopefully not technical at all. Let's see. I went of a a long walk yesterday to the grocery store and it was nice. The weather was amazing. Cool, spring weather. I also talked to Sonja, which was good. I told her about all my guys. Today will take all day, so I just need to enjoy it. And then another week starts. Here we go again. I talked to Justin yesterday. I need to tell him again we can only be friends. He does this to himself. I was annoyed by him, I am realizing I really do't want anything else. That chapt...

I'm going on a ride with Fer today. It should be good. I like hanging out with her. I have a new friend, like Sonja. Tomorrow should be interesting. It's funny how Andre's comment about margaritas made me anxious. I haven't talked to mommy in a while. I can call her this week. It's been a busy week, but a good one. I like being busy at work. I need that. Hopefully that will continue. I am still talking to Sergio. He's almost at this destination, Ushuaia. I wonder if he will come back to Quito to meet me. I like him. I don't want to get my hopes up though. I have to keep trying on bumble. Things didn't work out with Sebas, but at least I got a second date. I am not going to overthink why there wasn't a third, and I will settle with he is just too busy. That's all that was. Weird though, not one message. It's probably for the best.  I read somewhere that when you are about to go through a big change, the universe tests you. I wonder if it's...

I had a good day yesterday. I like helping. I really do. I helped the trainees, I bought them lunch after our bike talk. I do enjoy spending time with them. So much energy, innocence, hope. I helped Alfonso too with the helmets. Let's see how many go with me today. I spoke less with Sergio, gave him space. He is still writing, checking in, saying goodnight. That's a good thing. Consistency. It's important to feel wanted. And he is so good at that. I looked back at our texts, we started with WhatsApp on February 26. That's almost a three weeks now of talking every day. I like him. I also like that he doesn't come on so strong. Mentions friends, heart shaped emojis, but nothing else. We are both protecting ourselves. But, I am realizing that coming on strong isn't a good thing. Sure, it makes me feel good. It makes me feel validated. But, it's not real. It's not love. They don't know me yet. How could they love me? How could they even like me? Sergio i...

 I had a dream that I was with Jenny and Andrea, and we were going to have dinner. There were two oder women sitting at our table and were excited to see me. I was confused. I didn't recognize them. They were convinced and showed me songs and messages I didn't recognize. I think this is. sign I'm growing. I'm changing. I'm not the person I was. I'm not following the pattern I always did. I'm learning tow all away, to say no, to ask for what I want. To smile. To understand where that all came from. Old beliefs. They knew me then, but they don't know me now.  I also had a dream of alligators. I was watching a little boy and alligators kept popping up everywhere. That must be from the documentary I watched, but the watching the little boy part is familiar. I had dreams of watching kids before, protecting them.  Yesterday I went on the girls ride to Zuleta. It was nice to talk and ride and not feel tired. Socialize a bit is something that I am starting to li...

I think I have parasites or something again. My stomach is not great. We are going to Zuleta today with the girls. I think it will be fun, but I'm in a rut again. I think it's because the high of the gallon tornado is over. I'm back to thinking of what to do with my time. What external forces will make me feel better. That's the thing though. It needs to be internal. I needs to come from inside. I'm at peace. I just need more ways to connect. That's all. Connection during the weekend. That's the goal. So, what can I do to connect more? More coffees with Fer. Stay on the dating app. Volunteer. Hike with Tim's group. If he puts up another hike I will join. It would be a good way to meet more people.  I'm grateful for... - Life - Hope for love - Sergio in my life right now - Inspiring Steve to make a move and get out of his rut - Having a safe ride yesterday despite the close calls - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - Helping Patty with h...

Love, oh love. Haha I just have to laugh about it. Sebas kind of disappeared. It's ok, better off that way actually. I'm not hurt. I got a lot of his time. I got to know him. The mystery went away. And Sergio, well he's Colombian so I will enjoy it while it lasts. As for Steven, I can go ahead and take him off the list. He's 52 and lost. I chatted with him yesterday on the phone and felt like his therapist. I want a man who can challenge me, not only the other way around. As for Justin, there he is. Waiting. I told him I wasn't going to Samoa so he may disappear on his own. It's not completely dead, but dead in my mind. I am not sure if that counts for the tarot reader. I go back to what she said. 6 years..geez. I will be friends with someone for 6 years and then together. That's way too long. And Ecuadorian? Does that mean I will stay here? And through work. So interesting. I have been obsessing a little in my head, and not sleeping that well. I have to cat...

I thought it was interesting what Jenny sent me on instagram. How when you feel like you are attached to someone, in my case these guys im dating or maybe before Justin, then you ask: What part of me is afraid right now? And ask that part, what do you need from me instead of him? I love this. It's like a part of me is starving. That part that wants emotional connection, that part that wants to be loved. Or is it really that part that wants to be accepted. So, let's think about that. I get why. Poppy never accepted me. I was always too fat, or did things wrong. He didn't accept mommy either. Or any of us. Always criticizing. I am slowly breaking that habit I got from him. But, true acceptance. Never with me. I was always trying harder. So, maybe that attachment is wanting to be accepted, not so much wanting to be with them. I don't even know them. Justin accepted me right away. Peter never accepted me. John didn't either but acted like he did. So now the question. Th...

Sebas reminds me of John. John Stoneman. The man I always dreamed of, except he couldn't communicate. Kept me hanging, mixed messages. I don't think Sebas would od that but one thing I notice that's similar is that they are slow. Adventurers. I started thinking of John and how that first part was. We went out a lot, rode a lot, talked a lot. I didn't feel anything flirty that much during that time. It was almost 15 days. I remember being like...come on. Patience. And then one day it happened. I can see that happening with Sebas. Slow. Steady. Seeing each other. Getting to know each other. And then maybe something will happen. Maybe not. What I have to remember is that he doesn't always have to initiate. I can too. I can write him. I can ask if he wants to do something tomorrow when he is in Quito. It doesn't always have to be him. Yeah it's vulnerable, but who cares. We all are. And he is probably thinking that maybe I won't want to. I have nothing to lo...

I went out with Sebas again yesterday. We went for a coffee and closed the place down again. It was good for me to continue talking because I realized his world is all sport and adventure. It's great for a friend, but I want more romance. I also am realizing how important it is to open other parts of me. And, He always went back to his adventure. Almost like it's his identity. Like Jenny said, I am also seeing if I like him. I don't think I do yet. Maybe we will go out again, maybe we won't. And that's ok. I got to meet an interesting guy who has done crazy adventures and will continue to. I felt worthy getting his time for two long dates. That's enough. I have to say he did inspire me to take on something bigger than myself. I have to think about that. Maybe home leave. On the other hand, Sergio has the emotional maturity, knows how to go deep, and I am so attracted to his personality. Not an athlete though. And that's ok too. Maybe if I keep putting myself...

I did it. I am so proud of myself. I'm doing it. One step at a time. Going out, meeting guys, putting myself out there like Kat said. Pushing through the discomfort of not feeling enough. I am enough. My date with Sebas went well, much better than expected. Why? Because I expected it to go south. For him not to like me. For it to be awkward. It wasn't. The conversation flowed. We talked about ourselves, adventure, what we liked to do. Not anything too deep. Not past relationships. Not how we like this app. Just us. We admired each other's adventures. His disability came up a few times. and its as natural. The whole thing felt natural. When I left he said we should move to WhatsApp. I agreed, I gave him a kiss on the cheek and I left, smiling. I am not sure what will come out of this. Maybe someone to go on or talk adventures with. Maybe someone to date. He's coming to Quito a couple times this week. Let's see if we get together. He's not the best communicator. M...

Elizabeth told me to think about what I said in our last session. And then Jenny also flagged it as something to figure out. I feel less than, smaller than, not enough. That's it. Not enough. I know who I am. I am beautiful in my own way. I am smart. I am kind. I am successful in my job. I'm a good person. I've seen the world. I'm a good sister. But, no, I'm not enough. I can always be more for someone else. Prettier, funnier, thinner. Why do I feel that way? Easy answer. Papi. Criticisms. Watching him criticize mommy, and everyone he knew behind their backs. Comment about my weight. Not caring so much about my jobs or school work I was proud of. Never enough. That got better over the years, but carried on with Peter. His subtle ways of correcting me all the time. My decisions mostly. Are you sure? Why not do it this way? I wish I could get those years back sometimes. But, then I think about it more and I am here because I thought that. The problem is it no longer s...

It's funny I have this mindset that I want to jump ship when things get tough with relationships. for example, this whole thing with the 12 seconds. I messed up by saying she cheated, but I followed her and didn't mention that. I ruminated. I went from a small misunderstanding to they think im a cheater and bad cyclist and don't like me anymore. I should leave. That's the mindset. rumination over a small mistake. I can make mistakes. That's the drill sergeant in me. You suck. You're useless. You ruined it. Go. Get out of here. But, I won't. I won't leave. I like it here. I will stay and enjoy this time. Nobody is thinking about this. Maybe Chris, but I can explain it to her. Maybe it's not that big of a deal. Don't make this a thing. Don't let this bring you down. It's over. Why do I bring it back? Because my integrity matters. And I broke it a little. That's ok. I won't do it again. Especially now.  I like what I read about datin...

Papi said no again, in my dream. We were leaving to go somewhere with Marcela and one of the kids. The family was around. He said no. Papi said no we can't go. I have this engrained in me. I can't let him go. That voice. That firmness. That person I remember he was. As a kid, as a teenager, as an adult until he got sick. I wish I could remember the good parts too.  I heard from Jean that the CHOPS position is probably a no go. Way too competitive, which I expected. My gut didn't want it anyways. It was a good idea for financial stability, but probably not the bet move. I got to be CD. I am CD. I will be for 2 more years. Enjoy it while I can. Stay put like the trait reader said. Like Kat said. Embrace being here. In Ecuador. Save money. Get your pre-requisites. Be happy.  On the men front, I have been talking to Sergio a lot. He is the type of man I long for. Sweet, open, adventurous, challenges me mentally. Let's see how it turns out. He still has almost a month to his...

She beat me by 12 seconds. So I am second again, haha. The brevet 200k Culebrillas again, 4000 m of climbing. I don't mind actually. I do this for the love of the sport. I hate competition. I saw her and started to get nervous. Stressed. It was better not to have other women around me. So, she beat me. I made the wrong decision of not going around the round a bout. Then, I could have complained. But, you know what. Who cares. I still won in mi mind because she walked Carreta. I felt so strong. I pushed so hard. My heart rate average was 137, higher than normal. It's interesting though because my calories burned were the same as Andrea and her average was in the 150s. Anyways, great ride. Good to push hard. Great to ride with someone the entire time. Fun climbs. Good people. Great support. It was great, Much better than last year when I rode alone.  Then there's Sergio. I have been chatting with him for a few days now. Maybe a week. I am trying to be conscious of not getting...