Because He Did

Patty said she had a good dream with poppy the other night. I never do. He's always mad, or sick, or frustrated. He's quiet, but that's what I dream about. I wish it were different, but this is just a sign that maybe I do still have underlying issues with him. I haven't forgave him yet. I don't forgive him for  teaching me that I am unloveable, that I'm not enough, that there is always something wrong with me. That I have to prove myself to him and others. That I'm not worthy. That I'm still single because of him. That I can't find a partner. That when I do I'm scared to death that they will reject me. That when they get close I push them away. Because he did. 

I'm trying though. I'm meeting people. I'm connecting. I'm on bumble. I do wonder if I chose this life overseas to protect myself. Less of a chance to be close to someone. More of a an excuse to be alone. I have to be careful, though. I seem to have developed feelings for Sergio like I did with Justin. Like I did with Peter. Not real feelings, just emotional ones stemming from loneliness. He's not here and may not ever be. I have to see him as just a friend. Because that's all he is. Nothing else. My world can't revolve around him like it did before. This is just emotional intimacy, which is good but not everything. Stay in check, Anni. Keep him at bay and focus on meeting someone who can be present. Who you can get to know physically, here. It will happen. 

I'm grateful for...

- My insights
- Patty and maybe going on a cruise to Alaska next year 
- Life
- My health physically, mentally, and emotionally
- Still getting my period
- Jenny and Andrea
- Fer and Chris and Carol and Vi
- Work 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

45 Lessons at 45

              1.          Trust your instincts, but verify when something feels off               2.           You can’t choose your family, but you can choose who you get close to               3.           Cherish moments with kids—they forget when they get older               4.           You can start a fire with Doritos or Cheetos (survival tip!)               5.           Fear is a good thing—feel it and do it anyway, let it guide you        ...
Read more

Work in Progress

Yesterday was interesting. We had the retreat, it didn't go that smoothly but it went. People talked which is the most important thing. We talked about values and I talked to Majo who said I was treating her differently. Very similar to how Maria Cristina felt. Very similar to how I treated her because I was annoyed. I was annoyed by Majo and she called me out. Awareness. It was a great thing because now I can work on that and it won't get worse. I've loosened up as a leader. I have become more me and less of how I should be around this culture. I need to breathe, know when to rest, and maybe take some classes on active listening or empathy. I think it's important for me as a leader because like Majo said, people are watching and my voice is powerful. I need to go back to how I was in Panama. Kind. Patient. Calm. I feel abrupt, direct, quick. Work in progress, but thankful she talked to me especially if others are watching.  I'm grateful for... - awareness of what I...
Read more

RIF Pause

Well, timing might be working in my favor because we just got news that the judge halted the staff cuts. Let's hope that delays things a bit and maybe even stops completely. I hope so. I think Justin was right, I think agencies did what they were told and didn't realize that it wasn't allowed. Good thing we were last on the list. Now I can enjoy my vacation more because we won't be able to cut staff now, at least not next week. This is good news. From angry to relieved.  I'm grateful for... - life - my job - my health
Read more