New Beginnings

Justin Timeline: 3rd visit-  Stayed with me first week. Didn't feel attracted to him. Was annoyed quickly, put up walls- felt like an invasion of space but then liked the company. Too clingy.  After 4 days, told him I wanted to be friends. He stayed in guest room. Things got better. I saw him more as a friend and enjoyed his company. I enjoyed being cared for. Starting to have fun with him- maybe pressure was off? Then, I told him I wanted to got to Boquete, and cancel plans to Cambutal. Changed my plans. Told him an the took it well. He left and I am going to Cambutal tomorrow. With friend or not? Feeling lonely, less independent, needy. Talking to him again. Will I ever get someone who treats me so well? Cares about me so much? Miss him or the company? Is it sabotage? Did I make a mistake? Fear of being alone? Now I'm anxious and off. second guessing myself. Confused.  Missed ride. Feel like I need to be in pain, like I deserve discomfort. Eating sugar.  Mommy frus...

It's Christmas morning. I decided to start a new blog. The old names didn't make sense anymore. Justin is here. It's nice to have someone in my space. He is a good friend. Not the person for me, but he cares about me. I care about him, We get it each other. I like spending time with him. So, why not him. Why not be with him. Because I am not attracted to him in that way. I don't think it will change either. And maybe that shouldn't be everything. But it feels like it is something, Like my therapist said, he can be a friend. A good friend. That's what we are anyways. What I do know is that I can't keep holding on for the wrong reasons. I want someone in my life. I want romance. I want someone to love me. To connect with. We all want that, and it can't be that hard to find. I will get there. In the meantime, Anni, trust you will find that person and move on. Remember, you are here for a reason. There is someone and something out there for you. Trust that. ...