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Showing posts from October, 2024

Another Move

I move into my place today. I have to say, I am a little nervous. I am permanent in Ecuador today, I have my place. I have to start pilates. I'm no longer temporary. I think a part of me likes that feeling. The temporary feeling. Friday is November 1. I will start cooking. Lots of protein and vegetables. I am noticing that I am more hungry, maybe menopause. Regardless, I can manage this. With my biking and with my habits. No more sweets at night, that's a simple one. I think that's what is getting me. I am sure it is. That, pilates, cooking, biking routine. I got this.  As for work, we are getting there. I think crisis situations help bring people together.  I don't know what I want to do for xmas yet. I know I need to see my family. I am not sure about Justin, and I am not sure about what I want to do after. I know I will need to relax after. That is for sure. How I am not sure. I go through this every year. I do feel like there are more opportunities here though. To e...

No more

I m doing it again. I think that it's because I hate feeling full. I can't seem to get back to where I was in Panama. The only thing I can think of is that I am not biking as much. I was doing 2 hrs a day and pilates most days. Here I just do weekends and sometimes 2 days a week plus an hour on the trainer. I also have more of an appetite. I am more relaxed. So, no more sugar. No more vitamin gummies. No more gum or halls. Just stop with that for starters. Then, when I go to my new place I will cook and take my lunch. That could help. I think. I want my body back. The one I had in Panama. I can barely recognize myself anymore. I look big. I miss the way I used to look. I miss how I felt. The funny thing is it is probably not that much different in terms of weight, but because I stopped pilates weight shifted.  As for Justin, I don't know what we are doing. Four years seems dumb. I am not doing that. Or am I?  I'm grateful for.. - family - life - choices I can make

It's time

I threw up yesterday after dinner. I think I got carried away with what I could eat. I need to be easier on my stomach today, and eat bland things today. No dried fruit. I need to decide what to do with Justin. I am starting to realize that it's time. I want him to hear about his flight school soon, so I can use that as a deciding factor. But, if I am being honest, I don't need that to decide. I know. I know that maybe he is keeping me from meeting other people. The world seems scary with out him, though. It shouldn't, but it does. Which is why I really hope I can keep him as a friend. That is what we are when I think about it. We are far apart. We don't get close. We don't even flirt anymore. He didn't even get me anything for my birthday. He's a good friend.  I saw something in instagram that I liked. Do one mini-adventure every other month. Pick one habit to change every three months. Do one defining thing a year. I just need to work on the habits. Floss,...

Squirrels Surfing

I'm feeling more energetic now. It's been 4 days. Man, did this one hit me hard. It is taking time to get my energy back. I had such a good conversation with mommy yesterday. I made her laugh. I gave her the idea of squirrels surfing for a cake for Josie since she needed to combine the two. I haven't heard mommy laugh like that in so long. It made me feels so good. It made her human. I love her. I don't get to see that side of her very often because of what Nito does to her. I think I am going to try and get her here for a weekend. Before things start to go down hill again. I am starting to get more clarity on Justin, too. I need to let him go. Keep him as a friend, not as a boyfriend. He may want the same thing too. People come into our lives for reasons. The reasons are clear for me. I needed support through this transition. He needed a push. I needed to laugh. Squirrels Surfing. So funny. I'm grateful for... - feeling better - mommy and are talk yesterday - patty...

25 year old lesson

I saw my the tarot therapist yesterday in the park, Erika. She was nice. I kind of saw her more as a friend. I don't think she has quite the experience I need, but she gave me clarity. Mommy, family. It is the cause of my stress. Set boundaries so she will set them with Nito. Talk to my sisters first, and then mommy together. We need to do this. Take action. Stop talking, do more. I know this is something that I need to work on. Somehow that has stopped within me. It has slowed down. My determination halted. With work. With ideas. Move. Act. Just like in the dream, the voice that told me to "act." Buy a rental investment, go hiking, agahuasca. Remember what guanche said, every time you say something do that thing. That was 25 years ago, and here I am learning the same lesson. The universe needs me to do this. So, we can start with this. Sign up for aguayasca retreat in December, change outbound flight to the 27th and visit family in December and talk to Mommy with sisters...

Red Tulip

I had a dream I was being chased by someone who was trying to kill me. I knew he was and I saw him, he was latino. Everyone knew, patty was with me and she knew. I was scared. In the meantime, I got a tattoo of a red tulip on my left shouder right above my scalpel. I just knew that's what it had to be and I didn't know it was red until I saw it. Marcela said his underwear was red. I dreamt of a red balloon. There is something my mind is trying to tell me. What is it? I'm grateful for... - having Justin to talk to and make me laugh - financial means to spend on things that make me comfortable - work  - hope for good health emotional, mentally, physically Dreams about being chased often reflect  underlying fears, anxieties, traumas, emotions, or stressors we're avoiding in real life