New Beginnings

- My job - Living in an adventurous country - My apartment - Pilates in my house  - Cycling groups (Titos/Audax) - My financial situation - Friends who love me (Sonja, Jenny, Andrea, Justin, Peter, Jean, Mercedes) - My health - Patty  - My independence 

I'm back in Panama for Christmas Eve, Blah! That's how I feel. Just blah. I had coffee and poached eggs, and I am bored. But, I won't let this ruin my day. I had a great ride, and now I will go back to my room and chill. Then, pilates at 11:30, then rest. Then walk, maybe pool. Justin didn't call me back. I got irritable.  I'm grateful for... - hope for a full and complete recovery - life and being alive - my financial situation - my job 

Life is interesting. Mercedes asks me to go to Panama, and then I get a call from Leslie to go. I need this I think. I need quiet. Warm weather. Humidity. Long rides. Water. I need to get away from Quito. I will get to the mountains next year. I will climb all summits. I have to. I will get a dog. I will explore ayahuasca. I will visit family now or in March. I will make a decision about Justin. Those are my goals for 2025. I will have an adventurous year. But, for the rest of 2024 I will rest. I will breathe. I will heal. I will close the loop in Panama.  I'm grateful for... - life - hope for a full and complete recovery emotionally, physically, and mentally - friends

I am sorry, Anni, that you are going through this. It doesn't seem fair, does it? Great job, fit, healthy, live in an exciting country. Yet, you are suffering. You are triggered. This anxiety about coming home keeps returning over and over again. Even after poppy died. Just go, go home. See mommy. See Marcela and Susi briefly and spend time with mommy. I think I need to tell Justin soon. I want him as a friend. Just say it, do it. Why is it that every time I get triggered that's where my mind goes to? Pushing people away maybe. I don't understand why I am so anxious about going home, or maybe I do. What I do know its that it is taking over my life. Why? Maybe what Kat said was true. Maybe I do have this hold of past family on over me. Poppy, poppy's dad, grandpa, and whoever else. I need a cleanse. I need to break away. I need a shaman. I'm grateful for... - life - love - hope for a full and complete recovery

I listened to an endurance planet about how the host used a shaman to uncover deep wounds. It made me think of how much that spiritual practice is important, and it's missing in my life. I will stay open to it, maybe it will appear. Manari I don't think is working out, and that's ok. I will get there. It will come to me. I finally decided to go home, and told Justin about it. He is a good friend, but I don't think I am ready to tell him that. It is just happening organically in a sense. I see him that way. Once he gets settled with a job and Jacob, I will tell him.  I'm grateful for... - life - love - hope for a full recovery - self awareness - my team at work

I think there is an underlying problem here. The story in my head is that I'm fat. I lost the fitness I had when I left Panama. I've gained weight. I feel big. And that makes me depressed. It makes me feel down and it stops me from wanting to see anyone. Justin. Family. How do I fight that, I don't know. Or, do I focus on what makes me happy and on losing weight and getting fit again. Intermittent fasting perhaps. I've done it before. It's worked before. This was the issue before, and I got out of it by working out again. Susanna thought it was therapy, but it wasn't. It was the medication combined with exercising a lot again. Seeing results. I will get there. I know I will. Maybe that is what these two weeks need to be for. Getting there. One day at a time. No more protein powder. Light meals. The Ayahuasca diet in a sense. I am not sure what I want to do yet, but I am thinking of waiting until March to go home. That's what I don't need right now, press...

I had a call with Kat yesterday. It was interesting, I needed it. She has a way of pulling out whats inside of me. The general sense is that I am not emotionally strong right now, I have been weakened. Family, Justin, this transition. Whatever it may be we talked about me waiting to go home until I am stronger, which I think I will do. Even though it will cost me. Being there and not being able to change anything will pull me down emotionally. I believe that. Not sure when I will go, but I believe it. We talked about Ayahuasca and how it could be good for me, but that it is strong and I might benefit from San Pedro for now. It would tock my world she said. We talked about how I am different, an alien in a way. And that I have a high energy usually that's hard to keep up in this world, so I use cycling to do that. That is why I depend on it so much. I believe that. We talked about men, and how I am tangled in the men of my life and their past. Poppy, Nito, both grandfathers, and I a...

I attempted to hike Ibiza Norte yesterday. It was a lot for my mind. The group was melancholy, not super friendly, and it wasn't the fun. It rained, snowed, rained. It was cold. But, I got to see another mountain. I disconnected from home for a day. I thought about Justin and how to make this better. So, the day was ok. I have to keep remembering that everytime I do something like that it could be the last time. So, enjoy it. Find the little things that make it worth it. I saw snow.  I'm grateful for... - my health and hope for a complete recovery - being loved - friends

So, I had my second health scare. HPV. I think it was Justin. Maybe not, but likely. I am not happy about it, of course. I am angry. I should have been more careful. How, I am not sure. I am glad I went with my gut to see a different doctor. It made a huge difference. So, now I just focus on getting better. Managing stress, strengthening immune system, taking supplements. I will be ok. It will be ok. I will beat this. I will eliminate this from my body. My bones will get stronger. It will be ok.  I'm grateful for.. - monitoring options that exist today  - my health  - making a decision not to do ayagausca 

I haven't been able to sleep very well lately. Tossing and turning, and waking up too early. Not sure why. Maybe the show blackbird we watched. Maybe too much on my mind. Maybe lots of things. Maybe I do need this retreat. If I do it, I will just do that. Not go home. I am not ready to go home anyways. I wouldn't mind being with nature and people who want to heal. I think I will go. And, save home for March. That way I can come home after and continue to heal and reflect. I don't need stress right now. I need something different. Something out of my comfort zone. Something to shake me up a little. In a good way. Maybe that's why I was called to Ecuador.  I'm grateful for... - love - hope for healing - being a bee to bike today - family