Kat

I had a call with Kat yesterday. It was interesting, I needed it. She has a way of pulling out whats inside of me. The general sense is that I am not emotionally strong right now, I have been weakened. Family, Justin, this transition. Whatever it may be we talked about me waiting to go home until I am stronger, which I think I will do. Even though it will cost me. Being there and not being able to change anything will pull me down emotionally. I believe that. Not sure when I will go, but I believe it. We talked about Ayahuasca and how it could be good for me, but that it is strong and I might benefit from San Pedro for now. It would tock my world she said. We talked about how I am different, an alien in a way. And that I have a high energy usually that's hard to keep up in this world, so I use cycling to do that. That is why I depend on it so much. I believe that. We talked about men, and how I am tangled in the men of my life and their past. Poppy, Nito, both grandfathers, and I attract the wrong guys. How I need to break out of it. How Justin is bland, neutral, weakening me in some way. Not meaning to like Matt, but he is. I know that. We talked about how I am independent and should see that as a strength. I can do anything, go anywhere. Do that. Explore. Explore. Explore. Climb mountains, do San Pedro, get a male dog, talk to Justin about being friends. So that's what I will do. I will live.


Breathe 

Breathe 

Breathe

I'm grateful for...

- Kat

- 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Just go home

I am sorry, Anni, that you are going through this. It doesn't seem fair, does it? Great job, fit, healthy, live in an exciting country. Yet, you are suffering. You are triggered. This anxiety about coming home keeps returning over and over again. Even after poppy died. Just go, go home. See mommy. See Marcela and Susi briefly and spend time with mommy. I think I need to tell Justin soon. I want him as a friend. Just say it, do it. Why is it that every time I get triggered that's where my mind goes to? Pushing people away maybe. I don't understand why I am so anxious about going home, or maybe I do. What I do know its that it is taking over my life. Why? Maybe what Kat said was true. Maybe I do have this hold of past family on over me. Poppy, poppy's dad, grandpa, and whoever else. I need a cleanse. I need to break away. I need a shaman. I'm grateful for... - life - love - hope for a full and complete recovery
Read more

25 year old lesson

I saw my the tarot therapist yesterday in the park, Erika. She was nice. I kind of saw her more as a friend. I don't think she has quite the experience I need, but she gave me clarity. Mommy, family. It is the cause of my stress. Set boundaries so she will set them with Nito. Talk to my sisters first, and then mommy together. We need to do this. Take action. Stop talking, do more. I know this is something that I need to work on. Somehow that has stopped within me. It has slowed down. My determination halted. With work. With ideas. Move. Act. Just like in the dream, the voice that told me to "act." Buy a rental investment, go hiking, agahuasca. Remember what guanche said, every time you say something do that thing. That was 25 years ago, and here I am learning the same lesson. The universe needs me to do this. So, we can start with this. Sign up for aguayasca retreat in December, change outbound flight to the 27th and visit family in December and talk to Mommy with sisters...
Read more

Erika

I had lunch wit Erika yesterday. It was nice. We had a good conversation. She is planning on leaving soon, will miss her. She has been a good friend. She mentioned a few things that made me really think. She said that I can't waste anymore time, If I am bored. To go to school or something else. She said thet I need to find a job that makes money because I don't have kids that would take care of me when I no longer can. Euthanasia is what I responded. We laughed. Both things made me think. I am still thinking.  Then I felt sick. Like really sick. Fatigue, headache, even nausea. I ate something small at dinner and threw it up. I slept and feel a little better today, but not 100%. I do have some stuff to do today. Go to the YFD session at 9. Dentist. Pick up clothes. Coffee with girls. I had a dream with Justin yesterday. It was interesting. First time I think that I dream with him. He was driving and cops got in the back seat. We dropped them off and they kept coming in. Outside ...
Read more