New Beginnings

I wanted to write him again, but I couldn't. I wanted to post on instagram. I search for the perfect song so he knows I am in pain. And then I stopped. I am trying to stay connected still. I am regulating his emotions. I don't need to do that anymore. I don't need to post on our anniversary. I just need to live my life, and keep grieving, and let him go. He wasn't good for me and I am just remembering the good parts. But, there were more important parts that made me feel like I was losing myself. I gave him money and he never talked again about giving it back. I wonder if he ever thinks about how wrong that was. He pushed my boundary for space blaming it on me and that it's in my head. That he never didn't give me my space. Gaslighting. He tried to move in and have his dogs at my place after I told him I needed space. He asked if I wanted to go in on a business with him, and then pushed on just having the meeting with Coty and Carlos. He was using me. He loved m...

I had a goo day in DC yesterday. I did the gym then went for a long walk in DC. Then, I saw Peter. He is struggling. He needs to break up with her and leave DC. He just needs to. But, he won't. Which is why I feel so proud that I was able to. Just like that. I was able to leave him. It took two tries, but I did it. I left him. And I stayed left. So good things will happen now. That's how it works. I end a pattern and close a door and another one opens. It has to work that way, right? I am trusting that. I am trusting the process. I am trusting Kat and Elizabeth and Patty. The next guy I meet will be someone I won't notice at first because he has his world. He won't need me. That's important. Someone that doesn't need me. Someone that just wants me. Because I don't need anyone either. And that is huge. I don't need a partner, I want one. He won't need me like George did. In his own way, he was attached. And I was his person. And I think there was more...

I'm in DC. I went to see Jenny when I got here. Got a bike share and rode to my old place, the Whole Foods. It was nice to see her and the kids, and talk while trick or treating. She's so anxious about Jason not writing her back. I thought about George a lot on the trip here. Mostly because of Italy. Him dropping me off, me checking in. Thinking about someone thinking about me at home. It was nice. I would be having a video call with him right now. I miss that. I don't miss what followed in Italy, but I miss that. Someone caring about me. I have friends that do. And family. But it's not the same. He cared about me or did he just need me close? I will always wonder about that. How much of it was love and how much of it was anxious attachment. I was the person he needed. But, was I his person? I will never know.  I had a dream so vivid about me walking with Patty and I stopped to observe a plane in the sky. I think it was in Ecuador. The wings were flapping as if one was ...