New Beginnings

I talked to the sisters yesterday. It was ok I guess. Susi is getting older. Marcela is frustrated about the house. I am taking the lead as usual. At least I can say that Susi and I are better now. She has been writing me and it looked like she wanted to be involved. So, here we are. I will take the reins. Nito first. I will let mommy deal with Marcela. I am not getting involved there. And, when the time comes we will have to help mommy. What a mess. I will focus today on calling places.  I'm grateful for... - Justin - having 3 sisters that I can count on if things ever get bad - my health and getting to do this cycling trip - my job and having one still despite all this

I had a dream that Fischer told me to fuck off. Weird, probably because of the conversation me and Patty had about Chris yesterday. I also dreamt that I was trying to get an uber back to get something where I left the car, and started walking. An uber picked us up and went a back way. We stopped by a river and saw a car go through it like they would on a road, and banged the side at the curve. Our uber driver said we would be doing that. I was scared. The water was dark and there were rapids. Then I looked again and it was still and murky. I think I am more worried about what will happen with Peace Corps than I think or want to admit. I need a plan B.  Dreaming of a car going through river rapids  often symbolizes a feeling of being out of control in a turbulent life situation , where you are facing significant challenges or rapid changes that you may not feel equipped to navigate, potentially leading to feelings of anxiety or fear about the unknown ahead.   I'm grateful ...

Justin is coming next week, Thursday, I am excited. I could use his company. I miss him. Also, I need to know if this is something we could do in the future. He is in my life now, but are we really going to make it as a couple is the question. I worry that every time I see him I push back. Ideally, he gets in to flight school soon, and can start in May. That would be the best option for him and us. I finish here and decide what to do next. I want it to work, I really do.  I'm grateful for... - Justin - My health  - My job 

We got that email from OPM yesterday. It made me a little nervous, but my gut says we will be ok. Peace Corps will, I will. I will have a job until I end my service, hopefully for an additional year. But, that's not a reason not to keep looking. I should keep my eyes open, and enjoy Ecuador as much as I can.Because who knows. I am calm, but mostly because I don't think we will be affected too much. I hope I'm right. Just keep living. That's all I can do. Every week I should ask myself the same question. What did I do this week? I'm grateful for... - Love from Justin - My health  - Spending time with Erika and her friends for her birthday yesterday

Yesterday I had a conflict with Lenin. I told him I couldn't go and he was abrasive. better that I know that now I guess, but it startled me. Yeh I confirmed through text, but I didn't pay. He was mean, saying that palabra and compromiso are most important. Ok, we all think that but things come up. I am not as confident when it comes to standing up to men. I don't know why, but I'm not. I need to be. I couldn't stand up to poppy. I tried. Matt was hard too. I fell for that one hard. I can't believe I let him talk to me like that or stay in my apartment after being such a jerk on that drive home. I was so upset. A the was criticising my driving. I should have kicked him out then. Or at least waited until I got home and asked him to get his stuff and leave. Instead he opened up a bottle of wine and yelled at me again, closed himself in my guest room and I didn't see him until the next day. What a jerk. I'm so glad I am done with him. Instead of beating mys...

Nito died in my dream yesterday. He was eaten by sharks probably, was out tubing. I was really good at kite surfing to, I just remembered. It was like a natural talent. Anyways, something shocking happened. When we found out we were al relieved. I hate to admit it, but we were. Because mommy would be better off, no stress. He causes her so much stress. because we wouldn't have to take care of him. Because she wouldn't have to. He just sits in his room and drinks and sends texts of songs when he's drunk. He's a hermit, and he can't be helped. He's an alcoholic and the can't be helped. He's not living. He is already dead to some of us.  I went down on Justin in front of everyone. Poppy and his friends were there. That was weird. I also was fighting with Susi. Not surprised, I am angry with her right now because she is taking from mommy.  I'm grateful for... - friends - my job  - peace corps not being attacked by Musk yet - life  - this apartment  - tha...

Yesterday I had a very nice day. It was very chill. I didn't do anything, just watched Netflix. Then it rained and I dozed off. I could use another day like that. Or maybe I can't. Maybe it's good to stay moving. I can see how one could really slip into that stagnant state of mind. Day after day, Netflix, boredom. I can't fall into that. One day is ok, two is not acceptable. So, today I will ride, go to CT, go to work, AME, and home. I will be productive today. I will connect with people. I will shine. I will smile. I will be energized. Justin is coming, not sure how that is going to feel. Someone in my bed, someone in my space. I guess we will see. My hope is that he gets in to school in May. Leaves in April. And then we just figure it out from there. Let's see what happens. Not sure if it is fear of commitment or just comfort with distance. Time will tell. Him being here will tell, again. I'm grateful for... - getting my period today - mommy  - patty - sonja a...