Day Two - Justin

I talked to Justin today. It was sad. I feel sad, and empty. Like something is missing. Is it him, or the space that seems to always be there. Haunting me. Asking me to fill it. People come and go to fill it, so do hobbies, sometimes work. But I want love. I want someone I can get excited about. Justin wasn't him, but I wanted him to be so bad. I liked being loved. I liked being cared for. I liked how attentive and caring and kind and nice he was to me. But I need to know that that exists in other people. It is more common than I might think. It is out there, and I will find him. He will find me. I just hope I'm right. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to find someone that is kind, and loving, and sweet, and funny, and that I am attracted to. I will find it. Or it will find me. Stay hopeful. Change your story. I am enough. It will happen. And until then, no-one died being single. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Enjoy it like you did before. Freedom, routine, say he's more. Go out more. Be social. I worry that Justin is what made me so happy. I worry that I will be sad and depressed alone. But, maybe I don't have to be. When I had friends and family and the team I was ok. I just need to get there again. I miss the idea of someone. So hopefully this is the year I meet him. Nothing is wrong with me, I just don't want to settle, that's all. That is a good thing. Sure, I have my issues with commitment and control and fear, but we all do. It won't get in the way with the right person. So, for now let's sit with this. You are hurt. That is ok. Hurt that you hurt him. Hurt that you are lonely again. Sad that he wasn't the one. Sad that you don't have someone to talk to every night, laugh with, make me feel connected and loved. We will get there again. Be positive. Be hopeful. Be strong. You can't skip day two. 

I'm grateful for...

- meeting Justin

- family

- Jenny and Andrea

- Being in a good spot at work

- Jean

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Just go home

I am sorry, Anni, that you are going through this. It doesn't seem fair, does it? Great job, fit, healthy, live in an exciting country. Yet, you are suffering. You are triggered. This anxiety about coming home keeps returning over and over again. Even after poppy died. Just go, go home. See mommy. See Marcela and Susi briefly and spend time with mommy. I think I need to tell Justin soon. I want him as a friend. Just say it, do it. Why is it that every time I get triggered that's where my mind goes to? Pushing people away maybe. I don't understand why I am so anxious about going home, or maybe I do. What I do know its that it is taking over my life. Why? Maybe what Kat said was true. Maybe I do have this hold of past family on over me. Poppy, poppy's dad, grandpa, and whoever else. I need a cleanse. I need to break away. I need a shaman. I'm grateful for... - life - love - hope for a full and complete recovery
Read more

25 year old lesson

I saw my the tarot therapist yesterday in the park, Erika. She was nice. I kind of saw her more as a friend. I don't think she has quite the experience I need, but she gave me clarity. Mommy, family. It is the cause of my stress. Set boundaries so she will set them with Nito. Talk to my sisters first, and then mommy together. We need to do this. Take action. Stop talking, do more. I know this is something that I need to work on. Somehow that has stopped within me. It has slowed down. My determination halted. With work. With ideas. Move. Act. Just like in the dream, the voice that told me to "act." Buy a rental investment, go hiking, agahuasca. Remember what guanche said, every time you say something do that thing. That was 25 years ago, and here I am learning the same lesson. The universe needs me to do this. So, we can start with this. Sign up for aguayasca retreat in December, change outbound flight to the 27th and visit family in December and talk to Mommy with sisters...
Read more

Erika

I had lunch wit Erika yesterday. It was nice. We had a good conversation. She is planning on leaving soon, will miss her. She has been a good friend. She mentioned a few things that made me really think. She said that I can't waste anymore time, If I am bored. To go to school or something else. She said thet I need to find a job that makes money because I don't have kids that would take care of me when I no longer can. Euthanasia is what I responded. We laughed. Both things made me think. I am still thinking.  Then I felt sick. Like really sick. Fatigue, headache, even nausea. I ate something small at dinner and threw it up. I slept and feel a little better today, but not 100%. I do have some stuff to do today. Go to the YFD session at 9. Dentist. Pick up clothes. Coffee with girls. I had a dream with Justin yesterday. It was interesting. First time I think that I dream with him. He was driving and cops got in the back seat. We dropped them off and they kept coming in. Outside ...
Read more