Friends

I keep having dreams of Marcela and Nito, and Papi. I don't remember last night but I know who was there. I think Marcela was mad at me. I wonder if it's because of the drama between them. I rode with Marcia's team again today. First day back after 2 months. It was nice to push myself again, feel part of something again. So, let's just see how it goes. I missed Justin last night, and I still think of him. Part of me wishes I would have given it more time and another tells me to trust that I made the right decision. The thing is there were things that bothered me. He didn't have a job, he lives with his mom, he is sometimes too frugal, he didn't have friends. That one stuck with me a little. Why didn't he have any friends. He never talked about anyone but his kids. For someone who has lived in the same town for his whole life you would think he would have a group of old friends or new ones. That seems like a red flag to me.Either way, maybe I can be his friend. I need to assume best intentions. He was doing the best he could with me, with the tools he has. 

Same day. My heart hurts and I have some anxiety. It's nudging me, and I won't let it. But, I will feel. I will let my feelings come in and out. I miss him. I miss what we had. I miss his voice when he answered the phone. Such. sweet, tender, kind, endearing hello. I wish it didn't have to end. The thing is I did start to have feelings for him, I just didn't let myself. For good reason. But, I did start to want to be around him a lot. Hug him. Kiss him. Make love to him. A few times I was very horny even. That never happens. I wonder if I would have stuck it out, let it be. If that would have gotten stronger or faded. I know he would be back in Panama by now. Drinking Smirnoff and sitting by the pool. Updating me on his meetings with the contacts he made. I felt like I had to make a decision, keep going and go fast, or stop. So I stopped. But I don't care about that now. I just want to talk about how my heart hurts. How I miss him. I miss how I felt around him, mostly on the phone. That I believed in us when we were apart. I truly thought he was my person. And maybe he is. Not everyone can be complete. Meet every check on the checklist. In this case, Justin met most of them. He was kind, he made me feel connected, he made me laugh, he made me feel better, he saw me, he got me, he was tender, and sweet, and kind, and gentle, he cared about me, he cared for me, he was thoughtful. 

God, if it was him who was meant for me please help me not lose him. And, if he's not, please send me a sign that I will find him soon. Someone eI connect with like I connected with Justin. Someone stable and has a passion or ambition. Someone that I derive and that deserves me. Please send me a sign that he is out there, and bring him my way. I want love, and I want to be loved. I'm ready for love. 

I'm grateful for...

- love

- hope for a full and complete recovery mentally, physically, and emotionally

- dreams of poppy

- family

- friends

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