Stories

I had a conversation with Justin yesterday about not talking. It started with the stories that we make up after reading Brenee Brown. Then, somehow he brought up how he does think about if we should talk again. He has done this a few times. And talking does make me feel a little weak or like he is just talking because he worries about me. After talking it was clear what we need to do. He brings me so much comfort that it will be hard. It will sting. But, it may also show me that it's time to connect with others. Fill that whole with something else. Get back to being with myself, and enjoying it. I can't remember if I did before or after Justin. I think after. The story I am making up right now is that I was only happy when I was with someone. But, that's not my story. My story is that I need to let Justin go so I can make room to find that person that is meant for me. That I love myself. As for Justin, I know he says that I have things I need to work through. But, that is a story that isn't exactly true. I don't have commitment issues, I just didn't want to commit to him. I am not attached at all. I just miss the company because I feel alone. He also had red flags that maybe I created a story around. He isn't stable, no job and dreamer mindset. He is lazy, spends too much time not doing anything and sleeping late. He lives with his mom. I want an equal. Someone who also has their thing. Maybe it's an age thing too. Although I know men who are older who are determined. Poppy wasn't, or he was in short periods of time. And then he would abandon. And take us along. That's a story I make up a lot. How I was raised, yelling, egg shells, moving. I forget the good stuff though. When he would teach us Spanish words at the table, the deep conversations we had when I was older. His warmth. I miss that. Anita Bonita. I laughed every time, As for Justin, I will talk to him today and we will decide not to talk. But, I want to take a minute and think about what he brought to me. What I learned. Why he came in to my life and is now leaving. He brought me joy, and made me realize how much I love connecting. How I like to be cared for. How I like having someone to share my space with. How connection makes me smile. How I need someone in my life who is kind and I connect with. How stability in a man is important to me. How emotional availability is important to me. How maybe I still have things to work through. Maybe there is a block there somewhere. Or, maybe I am just an independent woman that knows what she doesn't want more than what she does. Is that my story?

It's 2:41 and my heart hurts. A lot. I am grieving and we haven't even broken up yet. We will soon. I can't picture my life without him. Yet, I don't want to be with him. Or do I. This is why we can't be together. I'm not all in. I don't want to let myself love him.

I'm grateful for...

- Memories of poppy

- Having Justin in my life to connect with

- Family

- Hope for a full and complete recovery

- Life and being healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally

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