New Beginnings

I had a nightmare that I was in jail. This was about a dream from the past where we had a trial later. I didn't speak up early enough that I saw what happened. Anyways, we lost. The judge penalized both sides. And 3 from our group. The interesting thing is that they picked me, or assumed me. The others worked for Nike, and other sports companies so they couldn't be touched because they use their brain. I then found out that they were meeting every night about it. Marcia was one of them. So was Emma Kate. It was bazar. Then, I packed for jail, for 2 years. I was devastated. And more because I was being charged with a criminal offense. I couldn't work for Peace Corps. I had to call Leslie, but before that Juan came in the picture and held my hand. He said just let go. You can work with me, we will do creative things. It was so odd, and scary. I was scared. More about losing my job than 2 years in jail. In another scene I was in the water with a little boy. I kept looking afte...

Well, I had a dream I was pregnant again. This time I was actually thinking of an abortion, if it was too late. I didn't want to be so I was thinking about abortion. It came suddenly too, I remembered I didn't have my period but wasn't paying attention. I got my period this morning. What am I not paying attention to? Maybe this is a sign to pay attention to what is around me. Be present. Be here. I already told some people, family. I was resisting it, just like I am resisting change now. So maybe stop resisting, Just be. Embrace. Connect. It will be ok. Just have the baby. I'm grateful for... - life - my health - hope for liking Ecuador  Your subconscious is communicating the fear of the unknown. Since fertility normally represents a change that is positive, dreaming about abortion is indicative of fear which your subconscious mind.

 I feel overwhelmed with work right now. Too much going on, and not enough help. I hope it gets better. I haven't felt stressed like this since when I started in Panama. I have to remember that. Things got better, easier with time. I just got here. So let's give it time. Man, Maria Cristina is slowing me down. I will have to work on her performance. She is so slow. I miss Celina. I miss Carol. Ann is great, but she is all Programming. That's good. It's not only work, it's life. I don't have a place yet. I will get one soon I hope. I need a dog. I need a cleaning lady. I need a bike group. I need a pilates class. I need to feel at home. Help me feel at home. Please. I had a dream I gained weight and everyone was commented on it. It scared me. Maybe I did, I don't even know. Hard to tell with out my scale. I am losing control. I miss being in control in Panama.  I'm grateful for... - my health - family - friends

It's Monday. I am not ready to start another week. I'm overwhelmed with everything. Work is going to be hard. Lots to figure out. But, it could be worse. I have to stay positive. It will be ok. I will continue to get on my trainer every day. I will ride on weekends and try to figure out the roads. I will get stronger. I will start pilates when I'm in my place. I will get a cleaning lady. I will start cooking for myself. I will get a Chiro and a fission masseuse. I will get a therapist that I connect with. I will find rides to look forward to. I will take my R&R somewhere cool. I will do ayahuasca. The thing is this is all a challenge. We knew this. It will help me grow. It will make me stronger. Literally. It will open my eyes to new things. I have a spiritual calling right now. I can feel it. Something is calling to me.I will talk to Cat after I do it maybe. I will plan that. I have a feeling that will change things for me. I'm grateful for... - coffee - being able...

 I had a dream of a whale, it had a baby. I was scared though. Terrified of being near it. It was a sign, that everything will be ok. That I am on the right track. That I am strong and can overcome this. So here we go. Be strong. Don't let the anxiety get to me. I had a rough week, really rough. Just a lot of things not going as hoped. First I recked the car, then the discipline issues with Volunteers, then that ride I did with Ruth. And the apartment. Is it really what I want. I feel stuck with that. Paralyzed. And Justin, I told hi not to go to the conference. It's too much.  I'm grateful for... - love - hope - my health - whale dream The appearance of a whale in a dream can signify that everything is or will be o.k. and is often related to spiritual matters of the mind and heart.  They’re a sign of protection and a signal that you must relax and stop worrying.

 I did it again last night, couldn't hold my dinner in. I was so mad at Justin. Or he was mad at me, I don't even know. But it put me in a bad mood. Maybe it is something deeper than that. I am mad because I am in a situation now where I can't lose him. If I do now, It will be hard. Ok so in other words I am mad because I feel like I now depend on him. I ask for validation. I ask for him to help me make choices. I did the same with Peter. I can't do that again. In this case I did and it didn't go well. I felt alone afterwards. But then there was Patty. She helped me. And I have friends too to help me. So no need to be worried. I am not alone.  I'm grateful for... - love - my health  - family 

I went to Puerto Quito yesterday. It was fun, was a simple group and nice. Ruth is nice. She is very simple and genuine. It was nice hanging out with her. I laughed. The other girl too. I brought up ayahuasca and she did it, more convinced now. Ten years of therapy in 1 day. I want to do it. Now it's just fining the right guide. I didn't talk to Justin much yesterday. Was weird, but maybe I needed a break. I am not sure about him still. Actually that's not true. I am sure about him right now the way things are. We laugh, he loves me, I have a friend, we connect. The question is whether I want to be with him in a more serious way. I guess we don't need to answer that right now. For now, we just wait and see what happens with his pilot school, and real estate meeting. And I will keep exploring here. Really exploring. Putting myself out there like I did yesterday. That was bold. That was adventurous. Let's keep that up.  I am grateful for... - The ride yesterday and ru...

I had a dream I was pregnant. I was happy about it, so was mommy and patty. Justin was there. He wasn't reacting either way. Then, after I was excited, I thought about talking to Justin to talk about the idea of an abortion. Gosh this unravels so much. I am excited about change, and I fear it too. Justin is stopping me from fully transforming. Could that be what my dream is telling me. I was really happy about it, I even did a side picture in the mirror with Patty. I remember thinking, oh shoot I have to go to the gynocoogist. It wasn't until later that I started thinking about a potential abortion. Justin was just there, he wasn't excited. He was just there, he even said he didn't think I looked different when I showed my stomach. Could he be holding me back? Ann thinks that him not having a job is a red flag. I do too. Where is his drive? I am so confused. Does his mom pay for all those lunches? He is 53 and lives with her. So bizarre. How could he be holding me back,...

I'm getting there. Yesterday was hard at first, and then it got better. Why? Because my bike actually works now, I hope. The derailed hanger was stripped so I was able to get the maintenance guy to jimmy rig it with another screw. We will see if it holds. I probably will just stick with that for a while though. The trainer. That's all I need really, and to be honest, I am a little nervous about riding outside. I will get there though. I need a place first. Fingers crossed I get that place with the amazing view. So hopeful, yet cautiously optimistic. First floor is great too because I will be able to come and go with my bike easily. It doesn't have a good gym or elevator, but that's ok. It has a bathtub. That's important. We will see how this all evolves. The team is great, and I think little by little we will get there. I did get a little too nervous with the bike not working, but for good reason. It's important to me. Interesting how we take things for granted ...

 I talked to Peter yesterday about Justin. How I am not sure about him. I'm not. I like him, I don't think I love him. He's nice and smart and caring, But, he's a floater. He's not working. He hasn't had a steady job in years. And he doesn't even have a plan. That bothers me. I want a man who has a profession. I know it sounds silly, but it's important. He's so content doing nothing. I don't get it.Anyways, it wouldn't bother me if I was sure about him. And, Peter is right. I am talking to him instead of putting myself out there and meeting other people. Would I though? He's almost made me complacent. I think I would. I wouldn't have to be here to talk to him. This last yer I needed him, but I didn't really. This transition hasn't been easy. I want to explore Ecuador, but I'm a little stuck. I am missing my community. I need a community. A Tribe. Where is my tribe? Cycling, pilates, chiro, massage. physio. I can get it bac...

I didn't sleep last night, again. I was tossing and turning quite a bit. I am not sure why. Perhaps the hyroxizine isn't working anymore. Maybe it's the altitude. Either way, I was probably sleeping too much any way. I slept 8.5 hours with tossing in turning. I think when I start waking up earlier to ride it will be better. I will do the Tuesdays and Thursdays, and weekends. I'm meeting a lot of people, lots to learn. The team is good, but they are scared. Just like they were in Panama when I got there. it wasn't easy. But, the difference is that I didn't know how to make it better. I did, and it was great. But, now I know exactly how.  So that's the goal. Make it better. I will make the team better.  I'm grateful for... - love - hope - family and friends - my health 

I didn't drink enough water yesterday. I should have. I can feel it today. Today I will. A lot. I will take my water bottle and drink a few. I will eat less at lunch too. I was full. I can't get myself to start pilates yet. Maybe because I don't feel settled yet. That's ok. I hope I find a place I like. I hope I don't have to settle. I hope it works out. At the end of the day we are talking about 2.5 years. That's all. 2 years in December. And then, I either get extended and start looking or I start looking sooner. and leave in 2 years. Find a place to invest in. This is why I need to take my home leave next year. And I need a plan for these 2 years. I want to see the Galapagos, and the mountains. I want to explore the jungle. I want to do the rides. So much to see. I'm grateful for... - love - Justin in my life, someone who loves me - hope  - my heart, physically, mentally, emotionally - life - family  - my team in Ecuador 

I listed to the rest of the podcast yesterday about being in the neutral zone. The 4 Ps. Purpose, Picture, Plan, Part. That's where I am. And I have to remind myself what my purpose is. Why did I chose to leave Panama and come to Ecuador, because it was a choice. Even though I say it wasn't, it was. Mike pushed, but I could have pushed back. I would have still gotten the extension. So, why? Well, for starters I needed something different. I needed to be pushed. I needed to shake things up. I was stagnant at work. I was too comfortable. I didn't want to leave PC without being in another Post. Mike also advised me. He said it would help me professionally. To be around other USAID people. To be in a conflict country. I agree on that part. On the comfort part, I still don't know. I could have started a side business. I still can. I need something else. A dog. A child. A business. Maybe being here will take me there. I can picture me being comfortable here. In my routine. Pa...

I am feeling better, not a 100% but better. I listened to a podcast about transitions yesterday. Change is easy, transitions are hard. I identified with that. An the reason they are so hard is because we suffer loss each time. For my transition to Ecuador, I lost a lot. I lost my true as Panama CD and my identity as the cyclist everyone knows in Panama. I lost structure mostly. My routine I loved. Bike. Work. Pilates or swim or walk. Dinner. Bed in my apartment I loved. I lost control, which goes with structure. I lost that control of being comfortable and confident and in control at work, on the bike, in every day life. I lost the idea of Panama being my home forever, but that's not exactly true. I can always go back. I lost my attachment to my team, to my relationships there, to the comfort of being there. So yes, I suffered loss. It's not the transition, it's the loss. No I know what I am losing so I can move on. I can decide how I will move on. How I will live my life i...

I had a better day yesterday. I made up with Justin. We got short with each other yesterday morning. He saw the angry Anni. I think I was upset with him because I needed him the night before and didn't know how to communicate that. He understood. I don't know where we are going, and it is starting to bother me a little. Where are we heading? I miss him, but don't want to lead him on either. I am not sure. Will I ever be sure though? What I do know is that I want a partner. A man to hold. Someone to come home to. Someone who supports me. This transition is hard, but it's not that hard. I have a great team. I have good colleagues. I think I could have a happy life here, even if it is only 2 years. I'm grateful for... - love - my health - Justin - Marcela, Patty and family - Mommy

I miss you. I had a dream with you the other day. You met Justin, and me you and Marcela went driving to the beach at night. I didn't know why. Maybe you had a few drinks. I miss you so much. I think I watch the news because I want to keep what we had. You would laugh at Trump right now. And I am sure you would have something not nice to say about Kamala Harris. Something that would make me laugh. You would make me feel better about this transition. You would feel like a parent, not like a child like mommy does right now. Yes, you would complain and you would be in your head, and you would have big ideas that don't go anywhere, but you would make me smile, and laugh, and you would show me how proud you are of me in weird ways. I would call you today and say Happy Birthday. I would send you erizos. I would have a plan to go see you, and make sure I was the weight that felt just right. You were the life of our family you made us whole. I hope you are out there, watching over us. ...