Back where we started

I ate too much dried fruit yesterday, and my stomach is feeling it. I am gravitating towards that again. That, and sugar, which could be affecting me too. Today I start again with no refined sugar. Justin will bring twizzlers, but I will hold off for a bit. Once a week. I have to get rid of this comforter cover. It reminds me too much of mommy's and poppy's cover. Of mommy. Not in a good way. In a weird way. In a way that makes me sad. Poppy being sick. Mommy being sick. Mommy being sad. I don't want this comforter in my room right now.

As for Justin, well he got another denial letter. It's weird, but it almost makes me standoffish with him. Like I don't want to be close to him now. Like he lots his attraction. Not sure what that says about me, but he's coming today and I'm not excited. Maybe it's because deep down I know I need to let him go and maybe I was holding on to him being in flight school, or using it as an excuse to stay with him. It's difficult. I don't know what he is going to do, and it is so triggering for me to watch him linger. He is like a boy. I don't get how he has lived 2 years without working. More than that actually. And 2 years living with his mom. Going to the gym grocery store. No ambition at all. Complacent. I don't want to be with someone like this. I love everything else, but he needs to step up. I will wait and see how he does that when he is here. But, I have to tell him not to stay long. He can stay a week or two, then go home and do something for work, and send in his stuff. He is not staying here and just waiting for me to come home. It's not gonna happen. It's interesting because we are back where we started. I had this talk with him a year ago about doing something, I know it's not his fault that he didn't get in, but he could have been working this whole time. He could have been making a plan B. And I am back where I started. Not looking forward to him coming. This might be the thing I need to let go after all. 

I'm grateful for...

- life

- my health

- family

- self awareness 

- my job

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