No more carrying

I finally told Justin that I wanted to be friends. He finished my sentence and said he felt the same way. I am mad at myself for letting this go on for so long. I am angry for some reason. Angry and letting myself believe that he was someone I could end up with. For only seeing the good things. The not so great things definitely came to light this time. For one, the denial set the tone. I was disappointed, mostly because I wanted him to be the person he wasn't. Successful, ambitious, driven. And then yesterday, oh God. I asked him to take care of dinner and he dragged his feet like he always does. Then, he tried the app again that he knew wasn't working. I had told him that it was getting late and he ignored me and said he was watching his show. Then, he fumbled with it until I finally came in and ordered. I am glad I ended up making my own thing too. I blew up on him, which I feel a little bad about. He was annoying me so much that I had to say it. I had to tell him that he always waits for me to make decisions. I feel bad because he is new to Ecuador, but still. He said he would go to the store and he didn't. He said he would call the advocate, and I had to push him on Friday. It's one thing after another. Reminds me of poppy. Maybe that's why I am so angry. Maybe I have a deep anger of how he was, and how mommy had to push him. Or how mommy just let him be that person, and she put up with. Maybe I'm angry because now I am putting up with it. I am mommy. Kat was right. I am carrying him. I need to let him go. No more carrying.

I'm grateful for...

- my health

- finally telling Justin I want to be friends

- having a job

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