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Showing posts from June, 2025

Sick again

Yesterday I had diaharrea all day. Must have been something I ate. All day, couldn't hold much down and laid on the couch all day. This morning I feel better. I will ride with Ruth and gang, and see how I feel. I can't stop and rest all day. That will kill me. I will go slow. I will focus. I will smile. I need to smile. Yesterday Trump started a war with Iran. He is out of control. Me and Justin haven't been able to talk much. I am realizing how special he is though. I have this judgement from the outside, and I just want to be with him, I might start looking at other jobs. get closer to him. He is what I need. I'm grateful for... - life - my health - my job - 

Erika

I had lunch wit Erika yesterday. It was nice. We had a good conversation. She is planning on leaving soon, will miss her. She has been a good friend. She mentioned a few things that made me really think. She said that I can't waste anymore time, If I am bored. To go to school or something else. She said thet I need to find a job that makes money because I don't have kids that would take care of me when I no longer can. Euthanasia is what I responded. We laughed. Both things made me think. I am still thinking.  Then I felt sick. Like really sick. Fatigue, headache, even nausea. I ate something small at dinner and threw it up. I slept and feel a little better today, but not 100%. I do have some stuff to do today. Go to the YFD session at 9. Dentist. Pick up clothes. Coffee with girls. I had a dream with Justin yesterday. It was interesting. First time I think that I dream with him. He was driving and cops got in the back seat. We dropped them off and they kept coming in. Outside ...

Focus on Me

I had the weirdest dream that they lost my suitcase. I didn't have any clothes. It was the last day of a trip. I probably thought of that because of Willy and my jersey I still haven't received. I was annoyed. "Uncertainty about ones identity in life, loss of control." Bingo. I keep saying this, I need something else. Biking just isn't doing it for me anymore. But, I read a quote that said if I focus on bettering myself, the answer will come on its own. So, that's what I will do. Read, podcasts, walks, strength, exercise, eat better with no artificial or simple sugars. Let's try that for a little bit.  I'm grateful for... - My health - Having a job I like and is easy for me - Family and friends - Having a relaxing afternoon yesterday

5 Years Since you Left

 I had a good day yesterday, and then for some reason got down. Then I talked to mommy and realized it was poppy's death anniversary. I remember the day too. We were all in the apartment like nothing was wrong. Almost like we were used to it. Marcela had left. Patty was leaving soon to be with Lorena. Susi and I stayed. We had ice cream. We watched a show that I liked. I was starting at him. Counting his breaths. And then, one hap was too long. I woke Susi up and we ran to him and gave him a hug as he took his last breath. Makes me sad to think about it, and it's been 5 years. He could be alive still if he didn't do the treatment, maybe. Maybe not. It wouldn't have been much of a life though. He was depressed. He wasn't happy. I understand, though. He went through trauma. And alcohol helped him get through it. He had a hard life as a kid. His dad didn't love him. He loved his sister. Poppy's whole life was about competition. Trying to be the best. Sounds fam...

No

I kept saying no in my dreams. It was like I was trying to make people mad. No to funding. No to thing a desert on a bus. Why do I keep saying no, why do I want to. I think I was thinking about yesterday and Isa. I feel like sometimes it's not fair for others to get what they want. I wonder where I get that from. Fairness has always been important to me so there is that. I have been thinking of stepping it up with fitness. Lift weights until December at least. Maybe cross fit for the community piece. No more sugar too. Haha...there you go. No.  I'm grateful for... - family - talking to Nito yesterday - life - my back getting a little better - my health - my mammogram being perfect  - sonja

Start

I'm sleeping a lot again. Which is good. My body needs it, badly. I think I am caught up from the jet lag. Took long enough, geez. I am feeling better. Today is another day. Justin said I was needier. That's funny to hear. Me needy. Although I was pretty needy with Peter, especially when I didn't have a job. It's not needy, it's bored. I need something to sink my teeth into. what is it? Whatever it is, it is tie to start. Just start, Anni. Start. Consultancy with pilates, menopause, nutrition. Buy a place to rent. Write a book. Spiritual practice. Just move. Act. Go for it. Biking can't be everything. And work isn't enough. You have three years. Three years of your life. Just start.  I'm grateful for... - Justin - Family  - Friends - My job - My health

Lost Again

I'm feeling a bit lost again. A little bit in a funk. Majorca was too short. I could have used another week of vacation. That's ok, I will take my birthday week off this year. Need to start planning. I have a long weekend coming up in July that will help too. I'm so over work too. I just want to know already. It could be a while until we do, though. I am gaining weight. Not sure how since I workout so much. Hormonal changes for sure. I need to stop eating so much sugar. No more sugar. That isn't helping. Maybe more pilates will help. Three times minimum. I can use my own for more classes a week. I noticed the belly in Majorca. Here I don't ever show my stomach. It's bloated. Sugar isn't helping, but hormones mostly I bet. Imagine if I didn't exercise this much, geez. I know the diet I need to follow. Whole food, paleo, clean. It's simple. I cheat a little with those bars. And of course with gummies and candy every so often. That is easy to stop. More...

Listen to Your Body

I was excited about the 140 k today with Audax. I really want to be more involved with them. But, I woke up with a low tyre and the brakes didn't work because I flipped it over. Bad combination. Anyways, I will take my gravel instead. My hip hurts anyways from yesterday. It's ok. a long ride wasn't for me today. And, that's ok. I will come home and relax. My body needs to heal. My body needs to rest. Audax will be there. Tomorrow I will go to specialized at lunch and drop off the bike to do a makeover. New tires, tubeless, and fix brakes. Maintenance. I will go to the fisio too this week. It will be ok. It will all be well. Listen to your body, Anni.   I'm thankful for... - Justin and him having a good job now - Life - Family - My health

Book: Up and Adum

Up and Adem— Mommy came into our rooms every morning, up and adum she’d say. But the moment I’ll never forget was when she announced, up and addum—we are moving to Chile. That day, I told my teachers, “Redefine yourself. Leave things behind.” Little did they know, those words marked the beginning of a journey I didn’t yet understand. The days that followed blurred into a whirlwind of packing, garage sales, and tearful goodbyes. In just a week, we were pulled out of school and packed up, life condensed into boxes and trunks. What my mom didn’t realize was that I felt a strange sense of relief. I was eager to escape the chaos of middle school, a place where I still hadn’t found my footing, where I sensed I would always be on the outside. Kids could be cruel then, and I almost knew I’d become their target. But deep inside, I felt a quiet strength growing—I knew it was time to go. Time for a new beginning. I was allowed one trunk—just one—like the kind they sold at K-mart. One trunk to car...

Power Dynamics

I had an interesting day with Justin. I missed him, Told him I was feeling down. He canceled his appointment for me. I felt bad at first, and then was excited. But, then he went and changed his mom's tire and didn't call until 7:30. Before that he told me he is really good at lying and it almost scared him. It scared me. It's interesting though, because it didn't. In fact, I scare myself with how good I lie. What I think bothered me was that now he had power over me, and I was vulnerable. And maybe that made me act out and find something to be upset about. Get my power back. We didn't watch much of the show. I was tired. I am realizing with him and this job that I am more dependent on him than I thought. I need to have more nights alone. I need to do something with my time. Not just wait for him. It's not real. It's long distance. He's not coming home late. Is this even real or just a fantasy? Maybe it is time to start dating again. Or is it just me bein...

Make the Most of It

I had a dream that I was with a guy a friend was with. And, I couldn't tell her. Instead, I snuck away with him. It felt real. I have been thinking about Justin being with someone else lately. Maybe that's why. It would hurt, but it's also not fair that I am giving him hope and not committing. Fully, Either of us are actually. I want to be. But we don't even have a chance living far from each other. right now I just need to be present. Here, now, in Ecuador. Live. Work. Explore. That's all you have to do Anni. The rest will sort itself out. You have two years here. Make the most of it. Embrace it.  I'm grateful for... - Justin - Mommy and family - Having a job - Getting over jet lag and my cold 

Mallorca

I went to Mallorca w/ Sonja and Matthias. It was fun. Not as fun as when I go on bike tours tough, I have to admit. But, it was relaxing and easy, and stress free. It was good to see them too, I miss having friends like that. I need friends. I should put myself out there more. Meet people. Meet another Sonja. I guess I can go to some of these embassy groups. Or maybe I can try bumble for friends. It was good to disconnect, but not enough time. I got sick as I was getting in the groove. And, it was too busy. I didn't have time to myself. Good things to know for next time. And if I had too much time that would have been hard too. The rides were beautiful. Smooth. No cars. Respect for cyclists. Makes me think that I need to go somewhere that is good for cycling after this. A must. I will find it. Let's wait and see if I qualify for the 2 years or less expiation. If I do, then I can wait. If I don't, then it's time to find something else. The universe will tell.  I did have...