Not There Yet

I went through something interesting yesterday. I am not sure if talking to Justin triggered it or not. I was doing ok not thinking about him anymore. I started to think abut what it was that made him pull away. Was he seeing someone else, was there something about me, was it the hpv. He said it was just that he was hurt from all the times I pulled away that he was, but I don't know. He's a good liar. Maybe it was something else. Anyways, this was going around on my mind for a while. And the thing is it doesn't matter. I was hiding the truth too. I said I wasn't ready, and it was that I wasn't attracted to him physically. It was strange how he pulled away, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because we aren't together anymore. And we never will be in that capacity. The truth is the relationship wasn't working for either of us. Period. The same happened with Peter and I stayed connected. I won't do that this time. I will break this part of the pattern. I am feeling a little out of control right now. With my feelings and life in general. I have been falling off the stairs or slipping lately in my dreams. I feel unstable. He was my stability. But, that's ok, it isn't healthy either that he was it. I can find other ways to feel stable. I won't have him anymore to feel stable. It's over. I need to accept that. I think it's easier for me to be paranoid or see reasons than just accept and move on. I am accepting this and moving on. Him calling won't help. Not until I can get more clarity on what the relationship really was. I am not there yet. It will take some time. In the meantime, just keep doing what you are doing, Anni. Bike, gym, be kind to yourself, heal. This is a great time because it's the holidays and I can rest a little. I need a good vacation. I will go to the mountains, and then the beach maybe. I need a break. A real break. I will go home in November. I will find someone else eventually. If there is someone out there for me, he can come now. 

I'm grateful for...

- life and being alive

- My health physically, emotionally, and mentally

- Having a good ride yesterday 

- Patty doing well in her first interviews 

- My job and the team I work with 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

45 Lessons at 45

              1.          Trust your instincts, but verify when something feels off               2.           You can’t choose your family, but you can choose who you get close to               3.           Cherish moments with kids—they forget when they get older               4.           You can start a fire with Doritos or Cheetos (survival tip!)               5.           Fear is a good thing—feel it and do it anyway, let it guide you        ...
Read more

Work in Progress

Yesterday was interesting. We had the retreat, it didn't go that smoothly but it went. People talked which is the most important thing. We talked about values and I talked to Majo who said I was treating her differently. Very similar to how Maria Cristina felt. Very similar to how I treated her because I was annoyed. I was annoyed by Majo and she called me out. Awareness. It was a great thing because now I can work on that and it won't get worse. I've loosened up as a leader. I have become more me and less of how I should be around this culture. I need to breathe, know when to rest, and maybe take some classes on active listening or empathy. I think it's important for me as a leader because like Majo said, people are watching and my voice is powerful. I need to go back to how I was in Panama. Kind. Patient. Calm. I feel abrupt, direct, quick. Work in progress, but thankful she talked to me especially if others are watching.  I'm grateful for... - awareness of what I...
Read more

RIF Pause

Well, timing might be working in my favor because we just got news that the judge halted the staff cuts. Let's hope that delays things a bit and maybe even stops completely. I hope so. I think Justin was right, I think agencies did what they were told and didn't realize that it wasn't allowed. Good thing we were last on the list. Now I can enjoy my vacation more because we won't be able to cut staff now, at least not next week. This is good news. From angry to relieved.  I'm grateful for... - life - my job - my health
Read more