A Home

I talked to Peter yesterday. It was triggering when he talked about Mary, how she was living rent free and saving money and makes a lot of money. I was jealous, not of being with him but of them. I always pictured myself with someone successful. Where the two of us would be well off with out kids. I don't know how likely that is now, but I still have hope. It could still happen. I hope. I could use a partner, someone even like Felipe that is as crazy as I am. Where we go on trips together. Adventurous. That is more important than successful. As long as he can stand on his own feet. Not like Justin who was lost and followed me around like a puppy. Not like Peter who was lost emotionally and not sure about me. He needs to be sure about me wherever he is. 

I don't think I will go to Ambato. I want to see Edwinn instead, and be well trained for culebra. I want to do well. Ambato will be ok, but I'm kind of over that group. They gossip too much, and I am not that into it. I can write Tito today. Worst case I lose 40 dollars. I need to see Edwinn. Either make a go of it or stop talking to him. I need to make an effort. 

I have to go back to work today. I'm not excited, but I think it will be good to get back into it after a while. I need to be more engaged. I was before I left, maybe it will come back. I hope it will. Let's see. If not, maybe it's time I start looking for something else. Somewhere I can settle for good. Build a community. Have a steady job. Date someone who lives there. That's what I really need. A home. Something told me not to buy the MTB yesterday. I'm glad I listened. I wonder if it's because I won't be staying. Or maybe because I would have gotten hurt. I think it's time to look for a place to call home. Maybe I will do Ayahuasca this year. Home leave in March and find my home. Leave in July. 

I'm grateful for...

- Life

- My health physically, mentally, and emotionally

- Mommy being happy in her new house 


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