Proved Wrong Again

Well, I did it. I proved myself wrong again. I have to remember this. Push myself because it always turns out ok. It was great to see Andrea and Jenny and we got closer. I had my space. I was able to bike. I know they judged me for it a little, but I don't care. I needed space for 10 days and I was preemptive about it. I biked almost every day, which is not what I expected. The start was a little weird getting used to their habits, like Jenny's slurping and how they both eat with their mouths open. I don't feel so bad not doing the race either. In the end, I got to do a great ride on my own and they only were 3 hours. Galapagos was fun. Scuba was amazing with all the sharks and I wasn't nervous this time. I was reminded of when I tried to scuba with Peter. It was bad. I couldn't breathe. I was having the first signs of my breakdown I think. I know. That was August and I broke down in November. Only a couple months after that. The hip pain when I got back did it. I was toast. But, maybe something worse could have happened if the hip pain didn't appear. Maybe it was a gift. I know it was my anxiety. That's all that was, not an injury. And then the shingles, oh dear. Of course I fell apart. Tooth, knee, hip, shingles. All tramautic one after another. It's been a ride for sure. 

I was able to sleep in the same room as the girls, which made me happy. I was nervous I wouldn't be able to. I enjoyed my time with them. I miss their company. It was such a great time. 

On the last day, Jenny and I talked over breakfast about me being sexually assaulted as a kid so I suspect. She said that's why I can't get close to men. I agreed. I thought I did the work, but there's more to be done. I need to heal. How do I do that? I've tried therapy. I think ayahuasca is next. I really do. Let's see what Elizabeth says. I need something stronger like Kat mentioned once. Maybe start with San Pedro like she said.

I'm thankful for...

- A great trip with Jenny and Andrea and not feeling anxious 

- Proving myself wrong that I can't get close to people 

- My health physically, mentally, and emotionally

- Getting to ride almost every day

- Having two days off

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