Jump Ship

It's funny I have this mindset that I want to jump ship when things get tough with relationships. for example, this whole thing with the 12 seconds. I messed up by saying she cheated, but I followed her and didn't mention that. I ruminated. I went from a small misunderstanding to they think im a cheater and bad cyclist and don't like me anymore. I should leave. That's the mindset. rumination over a small mistake. I can make mistakes. That's the drill sergeant in me. You suck. You're useless. You ruined it. Go. Get out of here. But, I won't. I won't leave. I like it here. I will stay and enjoy this time. Nobody is thinking about this. Maybe Chris, but I can explain it to her. Maybe it's not that big of a deal. Don't make this a thing. Don't let this bring you down. It's over. Why do I bring it back? Because my integrity matters. And I broke it a little. That's ok. I won't do it again. Especially now. 

I like what I read about dating Sergio. I am not really dating him. I am getting to know him. Take a step back. It was so interesting though because Imy mind started going to this is it. This is the guy I want to be with. But, I was reminded to be wary of emotional connection beating everything else to soon, before I commit. Before I meet him in person. Before I see all his flaws. This happened with Justin. Emotional connection got the best of me. We wanted it to work just based on conversations. And everything else didn't. Same with Sergio. I like his personality so far, not him. Remember that. Don't get attached. Just keep getting to know him. And see if it is consistant until he comes. It could fade. Sure, I'll be disappointed. But I also don't have expectations. None. Worst case scenario I got to connect with someone else. 

Now as for Sebas, worst case scenario I got to meet someone with an interesting story. I am open to that. Sunday afternoon. Let's see how it goes. It could be he doesn't like me. He could be saying the same thing. I told Elizabeth that he is too important for me. She reminded me of how important I am and wanted me to reflect on why I think that. Why do I think that? Easy. I wasn't important enough for poppy. I wanted his approval and never got it. Also, I'm self conscious. I own that. I have no idea why, but I am. I have a lot to offer. But, I'm so afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of getting my hopes up and then feeling disappointed. I fear disappointment. Poppy criticized us all the time. Of course I am hard on myself. My weight, my jobs, everything. I now criticize myself. He's not gone yet. And I can't jump ship. 

I'm grateful for...

- life 

- learning from my mistakes and this one about the 12 seconds

- meeting Sebas Sunday

- deciding to close the door on Edwin

- Elizabeth

- coffee with the girls yesterday

- Patty 

- Sergio and having a new friend 


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