Choosing Myself

When I woke uo I thought about George. I remembered how attracted I was to him. I haven't had the before. That I just always wanted to be with him in bed. Maybe it was chemistry, maybe either was the trauma bond. Either way, it felt good. I hope I find that part again. I remembered yesterday how he told me he never wanted to be separated from me. I thought he was being romantic, but he was serious. His plan was to spend the night with me every night and go to back to the farm during the day. I told him I would think about it and he got upset. I don't know how that relationship would have worked even if I tried to change and reassure him. It was too strong, and he wasn't aware. I wonder of all the times he agreed with me or told me something if it was true or just a reason to get closer. I remember the questions he would ask me in the morning like would you marry me, where do you see us in 5 years, do you remember the first time you fell in love with me. He craved connection. He wanted my love. If only he knew he already had it. I wonder if Coty saw any of this. If she understood what was going on since she's a therapist. If she could gage his anxiety, his attachment. Sean was like this too, minus the physical attraction. He got anxious when I told him I wanted space. Not manipulative like George, but anxious. When I broke up with him he broke down so I had to wait and do it another time. George was so passive. He just asked questions and denied his behavior and said ok like a little boy. Both times, he didn't leave angry. That's the hard part. I know he has deep wounds. He was abused, abandoned. I know he is suffering inside. That's why he vapes. But, I also have to remember that it's not my problem to fix. I wanted to. I thought I loved him. But, it would have taken too much out of me. I know it would have. He didn't know, he didn't want to improve, he preferred to blame me. So it was time to say goodbye and choose myself. So I did. 

As for dating again, I don't really have hope. I went on a walk with Ricci and I don't think I was what he wanted because he never wrote again. And Darren was nothing like his picture when we did a video chat so at least I knew before he made arrangements to come to DC. 

I'm grateful for...

- Taking to Justin yesterday

- My health and hope for healing of my right shoulder 

- Self awareness