Do It

I had a good day yesterday. Went for a walk in metro with Fer and Chris, did the trainer, went to the club with Fer and we ate lunch and spent time in the pool. I got home and relazed, went for another walk, and talked to mommy. I still talk about George. He is still on the front of my mind. But, that's ok. I knew he would be hard to let go. It's the feeling of being chosen that I miss the most. How loveable he was. I am grieving that part mostly. I keep looking for reasons to justify my decision and I am tired of it. I made the right decision. Trust that. Just trust that Anni. Now I need to move on. And the only way to do that is to block him from instagram. Vut him out of my life. My pattern is to go back to him, or try to be friends with him. I want to. I really do. I want to show up at his place. I want to kiss him, But, we can't go back. Because then he would still have his financial problems, he would still be living in that place, he would still want to see me more than I need, he would still have sex with me and I would fake it, he would still make me feel guilty for wanting space and living my life. I would lose myself again. I would feel drained. Because you did jump into his arms after a break up. Twice. And you expected things to be different. They weren't the second time. So, he's not for you Anni. You just miss being loved. And like Peter said, he can care about you and use you. Both can exist. He's not a villain, but he used me and he asked me for money and he expected to live with me and help him solve his problems. That's not love. And I know I put off that I want to be loved so bad, because I do. Deeply. But, I also know my worth. And I know when someone is using me. Poppy taught me that. I want someone who just loves and cares about me and can handle his own and has his own world. That's what I will attract.  But today, we have to do something hard, Anni. We have to block him on instagram. I know you don't want to but it's the best thing for you. You know this. You can't keep checking, reliving, hoping to see him. It's not doing you any good, Even if he did post you would just lighten up your nervous system again. That's not what you need. It needs to calm down. It needs to rest. So, today is the day. Block him. Live your life. You won't go back to him and you don't want to see what he does next. That will hurt more. I promise.

I'm grateful for...

- Still having Peter in my life and getting to talk to him yesterday

- Talking to mommy yesterday 

- My health and hope for healing 

- Spending time with Fer yesterday