Gving Up for Me

At the very end of my day yesterday when I was still missing George, I looked up something that helped me a lot. I asked AI how long the love bombing lasts for men with anxious attachment. And there it was, doesn't last more than 6 months. I knew it. He was already leaning towards manipulation and accusing me of not loving him the same way at month almost 4. Elizabeth mentioned that  it wouldn't last forever, but somehow I thought it would. I thought that maybe I was losing a love I've never had. But they were just words, not actions. He didn't respect my boundaries, and I forgive him for that because I know he couldn't. He wasn't capable. His anxious attachment wouldn't allow it. I was willing to work with him on this, but I don't think it would have helped. I was feeling drained. He was desperate to be connected to me. I remember when we made up I even said I wanted a glass of wine, and he wanted to come back to my place and have sex. He had needs, deep needs because he was anxiously attached. And I couldn't keep up. I didn't want to keep up. That's the hardest part, I gave up. But, I gave up for myself. Just like I did in Italy. This year is about giving up to chose my self. Giving up for me. I'm also giving up in blaming or being mad at poppy and mommy. They didn't mean it. Mommy was carrying us, protecting us in her own way. Poppy was trying not to be his father, but couldn't help it. I forgive them. I am who I am because of them and I love my life. I haven't found real love yet maybe because of them, but I will now. Now that I am letting this go. Now that I am giving uo being hard on myself and hard on them. It's time to live my life the way I want to. 

I'm grateful for...

- Realizations with Kat and forgiving poppy and mommy 

- Slowly getting over George through understanding

- Going to the movies yesterday with Vi and Fer

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