Inner Critics

I had the weirdest dream. The freedom diaries piece came out and I made mistakes with what I said and this group of guys were making fun of it in the video. It was more like a mocking video than professional. It was weird. I felt small. I wonder why I would feel small now. The mockers belong to my own mind. My inner critics. And I say that plural because it's not just one, feels like many. Perhaps they are surfacing for me to shut them down. Because I won't let them exist anymore. I am enough. I am worthy. I can make mistakes and still be enough. So fuck them. That's the work that I'm still doing. Being more kind to myself. Letting myself fail and laugh about it. 

I was writing to Claude yesterday about George and the things that I didn't;'t mention before like the money and 3 marriages. It was good to be reminded of the full picture. It was also good to remember that his exes were always the villain. Maybe I will be too. The one that couldn't handle his stress and didn't love him enough, or the one that was too scared to love. It doesn't matter because I know what happened. I think Coty does too. I think she felt it. He showed a lot in that session. What also came up was that in his last message he was the romantic hero that didn't want to give up, So now he gets to be the victim. I saw that early on and called him out on it. I saw it at his farm when he was upset that I couldn't help him with the tourism piece and then how nobody could help him. I remember I told him he was being the victim too. It stuck so hard and I knew I had to say something. He just wasn't taking the reins. I wonder if he will with his next thing, I hope he does. I hope he finds a job or a business or an opportunity. I still care about him. I still want him to succeed. 

I'm grateful for...

- Getting to see volunteers in Loja snd Cuenca 

- My health and hope for healing

- Advancing on things I abandoned like my book and website and reading