Stay Liberated

I had a bad day with him yesterday. I thought bout him way too much. I second guessed. I questioned myself. I think it's because today would have bee 5 months for us. We made our monthly anniversaries special. He said he would ask me a question at 6 months, I wonder if he would have. I wonder if things would have been different if I would have wanted that. Or, he was just taking advantage of me, or the situation. The thing is I can't move on, I feel connected to him in some way still. Like maybe there is hope. Hope he will change, get a job, be the man I thought he was. But, no. He is still on my mind. I need closure, to say goodbye. To know that he will never enter my energy again, my world again. I have a lot  to look forward to. Nursing, Going home, Home leave, Summits, PBP, healing...lots if healing physically and emotionally. In reality I couldn't do this with him. He was making me feel stuck. I am liberating myself from debris. I wonder if that's what part of that image was about. Liberating myself from George. Stay there. Stay liberated. The debris was him, other men like him, and realizing where my true self needs to be. I want to settle somewhere. Feel grounded. Feel whole again. 

I wondered yesterday why I feel like everything is my fault. I think it was less of me feeling that way as a kid, and more seeing it with mommy. All the time. The potatoes, being late, she couldn't do anything right. And it was always her fault in some way. I think tat's where it comes from. 

I'm grateful for...

- Kat 

- My health and feel like I am really healing emotionally

- Family 

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