The Love I Want

I woke up with cramps. I am so happy I have cramps. My period is back, finally. I was so excited when I saw blood yesterday in the bathroom. This means I'm regulating, literally. My nervous system is calming down. I am taking care of myself. I am ok. I still think about him a lot. Talking to Justin is sometimes triggering too. But, I am getting there. Almost 3 months now. I realized yesterday that I miss the idea of him, the relationship, what it could have been, what he could have been. Not the reality. That's important to remember. I am grieving my imagination of him and us. Which is still sad. I have been alone for a long time. He was my Prince Charming to rescue me. It's expected that it would hurt so much. But, it wasn't the full picture. Things were unfolding. Him asking me for money, relationship with his family, losing his business, the choices he made, not being responsible with his car or his health, vaping, not active. These all unfolded after I fell. Maybe that was the point. So I couldn't see it right away. Or maybe I did and chose to ignore it. I found my Prince Charming. Nothing else mattered. But it did. I am proud of myself for leaving when it was hard to. Not coming back. And that it only lasted 4 months. I know now what is supposed to feel like. Stable, loving, mutual respect for boundaries, not just chemistry. It will be slow and maybe sometimes boring, but it will safe and secure. I will feel calm and free to say what ever I want and ask for whatever I need. He will want those things for me because he cares. That's the love I want. That's the love I will find. I know I will. 

I'm grateful for...

- getting my period

- hope for good X-rays on Monday

- family and friends 

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