Un Cafecito Contigo

I posted a sunrise from my balcony with a view of the volcanos and this song, un cafecito contigo. I was doing it for him. Probably not the most mature thing to do, but felt like I needed to connect in some way. Well, he did the same. He posted a picture and the same song. We are connected. I smiled. I felt better. That's the cycle. The song mentions exactly what I miss. The coffees in bed or somewhere else when we used to talk about life, anything, everything. It could go on forever. That's what I miss. That's the truth. Not the pressure I felt, not the stress that came with his situation, not the worry when I pictured a life with him and he had no money, not how he though me needing space was a threat or a gift he was giving me, not that I felt like I had to say Amor every time I talked to him or he would get upset, not that I had to rehears how I said hello and goodbye to him on the phone so he wouldn't get upset. Not that he didn't fix his car or go to the doctor for check-ups. Not that he vaped and had bad anxiety. I don't miss that. I just miss being with him, his company, talking, laughing, dreaming, playing the day by ear, hiking. I miss being around him. And that's the thing about grief. You can enjoy a coffee together and miss them and their company, and still know they aren't right for you. Life can be cruel that way. But, I know better. I know what I need. I know what she needs. And it's not him. So honor yesterday as 5 months, 2 more months that I got back. 2 more months that I could be myself. I will find someone else to have a coffee with. I used to talk to Justin for hours, I can find someone else. I know he's out there. And he won't just have that. He will have his world too. A hobby, friends, family, a job. And someone I can have a cafecito with. 

I'm grateful for...

- Getting through this healing and staying string

- Patty and Lorena 

- Work and the flexibility it brings