New Beginnings

I woke up trying to remember if my dream was real. I ate too much and was trying to throw up. I didn't want anyone to hear so there I was, miserable that I was full. What a terrible time that was. I remember her. She was lonely, didn't feel worthy, and tied her weight to her worth. I wish I could go back and change that. I wish I could giver her the tools I have now. I wish I could tell her to leave Peter. To do what her heart wants. To live. To smile. To get out of the house. 

I am regretting not keeping my deferral for IM Panama. But, at the same time, maybe it's a good thing. Then I don't have to focus on that next year. I want to focus more on taking care of my body. On the next adventure. No part of me misses triathlons, especially the run at the end. I want to do pilates and bike, and swim on occasion. That's my secret sauce. Maybe something will intrigue me in Ecuador. And, I think gradually I've been leaning towards my feminine side. For example, I have been thinking about writing a book, a memoir. Galdames Memoir. Yes! That feels like a yes, and I can do it with mommy. She can tell me stories. More time to be creative. No more beating myself up physically. That doesn't serve me anymore. After Japan, I will seek another adventure. Another travesia. It will be amazing. I am enjoying life right now. Work is good, a little routine. A little challenging at times. But, that just means I'm ready for Ecuador. A new team. A fresh start...

I am on day 2 of recovery from my procedure. All ok so far. Well, it still hurt to poop yesterday, but I assume it will get better with time. The Venmo scam thing has been bothering me. I don't want to think it's her, but it could be. That's bothering me. Hopefully time will tell. Justin and I are talking like before again. He makes me laugh. He brings me comfort. He's a good friend. I had a dream that Peter broke up with Mary. My dreams have been better since getting back with Justin. Less dark. Maybe because it's a distraction. I'm tired of being strong. I just want to be loved. I want to let go. Be silly. Take risks. I'm sensing something off at work. I will ask Celina today. Something is going on that's not flowing. Not sure what. I am going for a run today. Yes, a run. This will help me make up my mind on the IM. I don't really want to do it. I might not. I am going to see how this run feels. And go from there. I can decide later. It;s just mone...

I had my procedure done yesterday, LIS. It was fine, but a little triggering. Reminds me of all my accidents. I'm so grateful I wasn't in for that or anything long term. It was over by noon and I spend the rest of the day recovering at home, doing nothing. I can't bike for a week. I have to go to the bathroom soon and I'm nervous. I think that I got used to the pain. I hope this fixes it. Justin is back in my life. I know he's not the one, but I like having him around. He may or may not come back to Panama. Or go to flight school. But, I remember now why I don't want to be with him. Stability, or lack there of. So, I can be his friend and support him on his crazy journey. We can make love. But, I have my life in Ecuador and he has his. Just is nice having support and not feeling so lonely. That's all it is. I'm grateful for... - Justin - Family - Hope for a full recovery of anal fissure - being healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally

I had the weirdest dream last night that we were being chased, and were asked to fight those coming. I sat at a table and talked to kids, some guy was next me that I think liked me that I was trying to impress. Then, Marcela was upset about something and I was trying to make it better. Marcela is in my dreams a lot. I wonder why. I woke up with a headache. I had a tough day yesterday. It was a back and fourth on thoughts about Justin day. It was tough. Going back and fourth is always hard, and especially when you throw in regret. I get triggered here and there and somethings parked the thought of wanting to call him in the morning. Then, I went for a swim and it helped. Distraction helps. But, I got close again at night. Which is why I think I am just lonely. I listened to a podcast yesterday that was eye opening. It makes sense. Deeper but fewer relationships is the key. I wish I would have realized that earlier in life, like in DC. I had none. Not one deep relationship. And now I had...

Set up a call with mrs sisters and feel better about a plan for Mommy. I will start looking for jobs for Nito. Makes me feel better that I have patty, marcela, and susi with me on this. I had a session with Susanna yesterday, and we seem to be getting closer to the idea that I may have been sexually abused and don't remember. I had a dream the other night that Nito was burned alive. We were all watching, even poppy. We didn't do anything, Just watched and wondered if he would remember the next day, almost as if he was drunk like he used to be. I watched a documentary about Lucie in Japan, she was sexually abused and so were other women but they didn't know because they were drugged. I wonder if that could have been the case. Or similar. I know it's easy to make things up, but it seems like with the neglect of busy parents and moving so much to my eating disorder, depression, and anxiety, and fear of commitment, that maybe there is something there. It would have been bef...

I had a really bad dream. I was in my apartment, and strangers showed up. I didn't know them but expected danger. They were talking tome and I was pretending I didn't know why they were there. I tried calling Brian and Jason from HQ, Then I found out that they were tapping my phone. So I got on my computer and tried to call Brian on Skype. Get here fast, It was scary. I was stuck. In my dream I was scared. So much that I slept through my alarm.  On another note, thoughts of Justin keep creeping in. 3.5 weeks isn't that long though. Remember that. I think I will stop instagram for a while. It's triggering. Instead I need to remember that my gut is powerful and I listened to it, 3 times. I gave it a chance. I won't settle. Period. Yes, I am taking the risk of not finding someone else. But, I am willing to take it. I have nothing to lose. I am happy alone.  I'm grateful for... - life - love - family - my healthy, physically, emotionally and mentally - sleep - new c...

I slept for 10 hours last night, yes 10. I didn't nap though and put y body through hell. I was not enjoying that ride yesterday. It was hard. It felt hard. Maybe it just wasn't my day. And that's ok. I will say this though, I am not going to Colombia, haha. No way Jose. I am not doing that 5 days in a row. Forget it. Im glad I did that ride yesterday because it showed me that I don't want to do that anymore. Adventure yes. Kill myself on the bike. No. Not now. Not anymore. So, I will focus on Panama. Embrace Panama and all it has to offer. I got confused about Justin again yesterday. I think it's instagram, I will take a break from it.  I read something about how looks don't matter, that everything Justin was does. And never to let go someone who wished you well when you let them go. Or cares for you as much as he did. I hope I made the right decision, and if I didn't I hope my heart goes back to him and we meet again. I still when two bed confused with bac...

 I was very tired yesterday. Slept 10 hours and then still needed a nap. I feel more rested this morning though. I listened to a podcast that was interesting yesterday from Tim Ferris. It mentioned the 123 rule for organizing your day. one important thing, 2 essential, and 3 maintenance. I might use that. He also spoke about attachment. Healthy attachment being ok, I am not sure if my attachment with Justin was healthy, but I am no longer attached. He mentioned that you can work through your issues together if your relationship is safe, and you support each other. We did. I definitely felt that. I could be me, and I could continue to grow with him by my side. I didn't depend on him. I trusted him. Hopefully I will find someone else that makes me feel that way. Safe. I didn't feel that with Peter or Matt. Or anyone else really. I want to be myself in a relationship, again.   I'm grateful for... - learning new things - my health physically, mentally, and emotionally - pilates...

It's been almost 3 weeks since Justin and I stopped taking. Every week gets better. Memories are starting togaed, slowly. I am also seeing the situation more clearly now. I am sure he is too. I see how I was settling, and that he wasn't for me. But, I also see how much I learned from him. I learned that I wasn't love in my life, that's what is missing and that's what I want. But, I won't take any man. I want someone who is financially stable, knows what he wants and goes after it. Someone sturdy. Ambitious. Athletic. I deserve that too. I believe that. I am a strong, beautiful, independent, woman. He will come soon. As for Justin, I learned not to settle. That I can do better. That I don't want to take care of my man. Not so soon. I want to go on trips and enjoy life. I need an equal. I crave connection, and he gave me that. So, that leaves two in the dust since I tried dating again. One a narcissist abuser, another a loving and kind dad with a big heart but...