New Beginnings

I talked to the sisters yesterday. It was ok I guess. Susi is getting older. Marcela is frustrated about the house. I am taking the lead as usual. At least I can say that Susi and I are better now. She has been writing me and it looked like she wanted to be involved. So, here we are. I will take the reins. Nito first. I will let mommy deal with Marcela. I am not getting involved there. And, when the time comes we will have to help mommy. What a mess. I will focus today on calling places.  I'm grateful for... - Justin - having 3 sisters that I can count on if things ever get bad - my health and getting to do this cycling trip - my job and having one still despite all this

I had a dream that Fischer told me to fuck off. Weird, probably because of the conversation me and Patty had about Chris yesterday. I also dreamt that I was trying to get an uber back to get something where I left the car, and started walking. An uber picked us up and went a back way. We stopped by a river and saw a car go through it like they would on a road, and banged the side at the curve. Our uber driver said we would be doing that. I was scared. The water was dark and there were rapids. Then I looked again and it was still and murky. I think I am more worried about what will happen with Peace Corps than I think or want to admit. I need a plan B.  Dreaming of a car going through river rapids  often symbolizes a feeling of being out of control in a turbulent life situation , where you are facing significant challenges or rapid changes that you may not feel equipped to navigate, potentially leading to feelings of anxiety or fear about the unknown ahead.   I'm grateful ...

Justin is coming next week, Thursday, I am excited. I could use his company. I miss him. Also, I need to know if this is something we could do in the future. He is in my life now, but are we really going to make it as a couple is the question. I worry that every time I see him I push back. Ideally, he gets in to flight school soon, and can start in May. That would be the best option for him and us. I finish here and decide what to do next. I want it to work, I really do.  I'm grateful for... - Justin - My health  - My job 

We got that email from OPM yesterday. It made me a little nervous, but my gut says we will be ok. Peace Corps will, I will. I will have a job until I end my service, hopefully for an additional year. But, that's not a reason not to keep looking. I should keep my eyes open, and enjoy Ecuador as much as I can.Because who knows. I am calm, but mostly because I don't think we will be affected too much. I hope I'm right. Just keep living. That's all I can do. Every week I should ask myself the same question. What did I do this week? I'm grateful for... - Love from Justin - My health  - Spending time with Erika and her friends for her birthday yesterday

Yesterday I had a conflict with Lenin. I told him I couldn't go and he was abrasive. better that I know that now I guess, but it startled me. Yeh I confirmed through text, but I didn't pay. He was mean, saying that palabra and compromiso are most important. Ok, we all think that but things come up. I am not as confident when it comes to standing up to men. I don't know why, but I'm not. I need to be. I couldn't stand up to poppy. I tried. Matt was hard too. I fell for that one hard. I can't believe I let him talk to me like that or stay in my apartment after being such a jerk on that drive home. I was so upset. A the was criticising my driving. I should have kicked him out then. Or at least waited until I got home and asked him to get his stuff and leave. Instead he opened up a bottle of wine and yelled at me again, closed himself in my guest room and I didn't see him until the next day. What a jerk. I'm so glad I am done with him. Instead of beating mys...

Nito died in my dream yesterday. He was eaten by sharks probably, was out tubing. I was really good at kite surfing to, I just remembered. It was like a natural talent. Anyways, something shocking happened. When we found out we were al relieved. I hate to admit it, but we were. Because mommy would be better off, no stress. He causes her so much stress. because we wouldn't have to take care of him. Because she wouldn't have to. He just sits in his room and drinks and sends texts of songs when he's drunk. He's a hermit, and he can't be helped. He's an alcoholic and the can't be helped. He's not living. He is already dead to some of us.  I went down on Justin in front of everyone. Poppy and his friends were there. That was weird. I also was fighting with Susi. Not surprised, I am angry with her right now because she is taking from mommy.  I'm grateful for... - friends - my job  - peace corps not being attacked by Musk yet - life  - this apartment  - tha...

Yesterday I had a very nice day. It was very chill. I didn't do anything, just watched Netflix. Then it rained and I dozed off. I could use another day like that. Or maybe I can't. Maybe it's good to stay moving. I can see how one could really slip into that stagnant state of mind. Day after day, Netflix, boredom. I can't fall into that. One day is ok, two is not acceptable. So, today I will ride, go to CT, go to work, AME, and home. I will be productive today. I will connect with people. I will shine. I will smile. I will be energized. Justin is coming, not sure how that is going to feel. Someone in my bed, someone in my space. I guess we will see. My hope is that he gets in to school in May. Leaves in April. And then we just figure it out from there. Let's see what happens. Not sure if it is fear of commitment or just comfort with distance. Time will tell. Him being here will tell, again. I'm grateful for... - getting my period today - mommy  - patty - sonja a...

I did the 200 Brevet in culebra yesterday. After about 150km we did culebra and it was hard. The whole thing was hard, but it was actually nice. I enjoyed riding alone. I enjoyed the scenery. Most of all, I enjoyed the challenge. It's been a while since I have challenged myself like that. It's good for me. I need it. It's motivating. I want to read about work now. I want to expand my hobbies. I am motivated to be more productive. Why that its I am not sure. I am not good at being stagnant. Now I know, challenge yourself when you feel that way. Be around people and nature. I met Cecilia who was nice. I can see myself riding with her again. That's the key. Next up March 1-3 with Lenin. Another challenge. More people to meet. Adventure. I am off today, and definitely need it. I could use a day. One great thing about yesterday is that I disconnected from Trump. Didn't obsess about it, didn't read about it. Just lived. I need to do more of that. Just live. Every day....

I read a speech this morning “Personal Renewal” by John Gardner, delivered to McKinsey & Company on November 10, 1990. It made me think. I am there. Mid-life. Stagnant. Complacent. Justin is like that. Maybe that is why Kat felt I should break ties with him. He is dragging me down. He is keeping me complacent. Unmotivated. Stuck to my ways. My routine. My 7pm show with him and then bed by 8. There is nothing wrong with that, it is pleasure. But, it is also waste. I am wasting my life. One Netflix show at a time. She goes on to mention how we need to stay motivated and keep the search for meaning in our lives. I know there is something out there for me. Something else. And I truly think this could be the push. This political transition and possible termination of my job or Peace Corps. If not that, I still only have a couple years left before I time out. The only difference is this time I can't stay in the industry. Another sign. I need to find something else. Something that mak...

Well there you have it. The buy out continues. The judge passed the order and now we will see how many employees leave. The issue now is we can't hire anyone. I just want to stay in my whole in Ecuador for as long as I can. I am hoping and praying that they extend the 5 year rule. I hope someone has that idea soon. Leslie said she was taking it, that's scary to think about. She has been my support. The one that knows what I've done. So much chaos. But, I just need to sit tight for now. Focus on what I can. Focus on me and this job. And, get some security experience. Take the FEMA courses. Maybe I can switch over to a position in that arena. FEMA or Peace Corps security, PCSSO. I have options. I will look into the private sector too.  I'm grateful for... - Having a job and my job - Life and still being alive -  My health 

Yesterday was a busy day, a good day. we had the town hall and I went to the market. I am in good spirits. I enjoy being with the trainees. As for life, I am ok. I have been avoiding family lately. Just talk to Patty. It is actually better this way. I know it's not ideal, but no-one reaches out to me. So if I don't reach out, nothing happens anyways. I will have to talk to Liz about this. I am ready for a long weekend. Soon. Need to get through this week. Really just today and tomorrow. Friday will be easy, and I will go home early. I am tired. And then there's Justin. He will go see Ethan and then want to come here. I should talk to him about that. For how long, what will he do, when. I need to plan March 4 day weekend soon.  I'm grateful for... - life - Patty - Friends - My health  - Justin  - Having a good day yesterday

I wanted to go on the ride this morning, but that didn't work out. I haven't been able to do the Tuesday ride in a while. Things keep coming up. Today, it was rainy as it rained all day yesterday. And, I didn't sleep until 10:30 last night. I was at the hospital with Skye, and had to take clothes to Erika. It's been a mess with this girl. She's finally better, but I guess they are having trouble stabilizing her. She said she was triggered by a memory. I hope that doesn't happen to me. Isaac's case is also scary if it is indeed not true and his mom is ill mentally. Isaac and Skye scared me, made me think how important mental health is and how easily it can escalate. I know Susanna always said I had a suppressed memory. Maybe that is why I have these episodes when I am not on medication. All this triggered me when I had my breakdown. I think it was more serious than people close to me thought. The shingles made it worse, but I was on a bad path. The stress was...

We had a medical emergency yesterday. A girl with a mental health issue. She wasn't sleeping, and she got out of control in her community I think. It makes me sad. That this could happen. Both volunteers that knew her said she's been like this for weeks. It reminds me of my situation, and how it escalated, both a couple years ago and recently. It starts slow, but can be dangerous. She will be ok, but she will need to leave and get treated. Hopefully anti-depressants to make her better. I needed that. Mental health is so interesting to me. That and physical health. I wonder what I could do with that. I remember when I wanted to do therapy while exercising, I wanted to go on long bike tours for people going through transitions. What could I do now. I want to help people. Is it too late to go back to school? Do I need to? Three years is a long time. I have time to get a degree. Be intentional about this, Anni. We may need a back-up plan. A plan B if and when I end with Peace Corps...

I kept dreaming of USAID. I think Trump has taken a toll on me. Or I am just thinking and talking about it way too much. I can't believe he just got rid of the industry just like that. My industry. But, I have three years to think about what I will do next. There is still time. I will go for a security position if it's available. Those don't time out. Or CHOPS. I will be ok, I just need to be more intentional about next steps. And diversify my skills and hobbies. I read that yesterday. People are way more successful when they can diversify. Cycling, work, pilates, friends. I need something else. Hiking. Swimming again. Something fun that's not sports related. What could that be. As for work, Pilates instructor perhaps. Investment property in DC. I spoke with Jean yesterday about mommy and the house. She said don't get involved. She's right. I am already having trouble sleeping just thinking about the idea, not even committing. Can't do it. Won't do it. I...

I'm glad I didn't go on the trip. It was the right thing to do for my body. I feel much better. I needed to rest. Two weeks, that's what it took. Good to know for the future as the same happened with my other back injury. Two weeks. I gained a lot this week at work too. I was able to be here at a weird time. I did miss a great bike ride, and I lost 300 dollars, but I am healthier because of it. Health first. So now, I just keep going. I can start pilates on Monday. I can bike this weekend. I can put this ride behind me and maybe do another one while I'm here. For now the focus will be Gravel Fest, Mallorca, Rigo, and maybe Atacama. I will hike and climb this year too. I will explore.  I'm grateful for... - My health - Listening to my body and not going on the ride - Family and friends - My job and my team

I had a dream that I was all dressed up for some guy to pick me instead of 3 other girls. I met him before and was somewhat confident he would, but not sure. I kept putting make up on over and over again. And then we reversed everything and had a casual party for Marcela before that part. So, I dressed down and made a toast to everyone. Then Justin came and he was hurt so I was looking through all mom's drawers to get him neosporn. Not sure what all this means. I do know that I am happy with Justin as my person right now. I know him, he knows me. He treats me right. He gets me. Yeah he's not perfect, he doesn't have an income right now, but he is good for me. In so many ways. I guess we would need to spend more time together to really know that. And he needs to get a profession, let's see how he does in flight school. I really hope he can get in in May. And then, I need to start looking for work, Let's see what happens in March first I guess. That will be telling. T...

I had a dream that Peter was being eaten by an alligator. It was right next to him and he didn't see it. I watched the whole thing from above. This morning I remembered that when we dream of someone else usually it's us. That didn't sit well. It makes sense though. I am overwhelmed and I do feel threatened, both with work and with mommy's house situation. Let's see what happens with both. I am hoping Trump doesn't eliminate Peace Corps. Please don't touch it. And if there is a budget cut, I hope I get to stay. I hope this isn't the major life-changing thing that is about to happen. I'm upset that I am being put in this situation with mommy again. But, I understand why she is asking Chris. She is desperate and that makes me sad. This burden feels heavy and it would help her, and Nito in the long run. I am grateful for... - having a job - my health and healing  - life  Dreaming of seeing someone eaten by an alligator  often signifies a feeling of being...

Ruth wrote me yesterday about her ride. I wish she wouldn't. I really wanted to ride. I was so looking forward to that week, since the day Tito told me about it. I guess there will be others. Why does this always happen to me. Every time. Until now. It doesn't seem fair though. This time it happened to me. I didn't do anything wrong. But, like the podcast said, sometimes bad things need to happen so good things can happen later. And we will never know. So, just trust that. Remember there will be other rides. Focus on your team and your health, getting better. My breast hurts more today, but I think that's because of physio. I probably just need to leave it alone. I stopped with the muscle relaxers at least. I will ride today and everyday to stay in shape, eat better, and just go from there. That's all I can do. I can start riding again this weekend. Maybe do a hike. Focus on buying a place. I will be ok.  I'm grateful for... - my job and not being affected by EO...

I decided not to go. Made the call yesterday, canceled the flight. Sent the emails I needed to send. Finito. It was the right decision. I am still in pain. Now, I just need to get excited about something else. And I need to get back into my routine with food. I fell off a little bit, probably from tress. But, starting today no more sugar, lots of water, and try to stay busy. It will be ok. I will find something else to look forward to. Justin hasn't mentioned if he's coming yet. I don't think it's great timing right now, but we will see. I haven't seen him in a while. Keeping him at a distance, I guess. Like I always do. I wish I was more excited, but I think it's because Ecuador is different. He will be bored, and stuck in this neighborhood and I need to work. Maybe I will tell him that. To come when I have time off. Not during the week. Let's see what he says, he hasn't brought it up yet.  I'm grateful for... - feeling a little better, knowing that...

I had a dream that I was selected as the director of LAC in chemonics by Susan Mudge and Ambassador Brown. I was excited at first but then realized it meant my freedom was at risk. I had to be at work from 7-7. Then, I was riding with Marcia and Josune and I stopped at a gate to "fix" it and my bike was stolen. Two dreams where my independence was at risk. Fear of loss. Right now, I fear a lot. I fear losing my fitness because of this injury, fear of not being able to go on this ride, fear of losing my job because of Trump. I really hope I don't. I know there will be turmoil, but leave my job alone. Please. I will need to start looking for other career options soon I think. That, or go back to business. I have an MBA after all. o I really want to go back to school? Not really. Do I want another source of income? Yes. I want to buy a house this year, and rent it out. That's my goal. I can focus on that. And, maybe next weekend get a dog. I was thinking about my convers...

I needed this weekend. It has been a tough week. But, you know what? I like tough. I like being productive and solving problems.There was an earthquake yesterday. I felt it, and it reminded me of Chile when I used to feel it on the bottom floor in my room in Renaca. I have these dreams of poppy coming back to life like nothing ever happened. I am a little disappointed sometimes. He caused a lot of issues for me. I am mad at him. I know it was because of his childhood, but still. The way he was with my body hurt a lot. I am still debating if I should go from Cuenca. I really want to, but I don't want to be in pain. It's not even my chest that I'm worried about, it's my back. Maybe it will get better by Monday. Let's hope. If not, I just won't go. I will pass, and that's all. Just fear if missing out I guess. But, I will be gaining a lot too. I will have my health and can focus on healing. I can be at work in case something happens withe elections or Trump stu...