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Showing posts from May, 2025

RIF Pause

Well, timing might be working in my favor because we just got news that the judge halted the staff cuts. Let's hope that delays things a bit and maybe even stops completely. I hope so. I think Justin was right, I think agencies did what they were told and didn't realize that it wasn't allowed. Good thing we were last on the list. Now I can enjoy my vacation more because we won't be able to cut staff now, at least not next week. This is good news. From angry to relieved.  I'm grateful for... - life - my job - my health

Angry

I'm so angry. My whole plan collapsed. I was going to tell staff that were being let go and then go to Mallorca. Now I have to leave without telling them because Kavita jumped the gun with communication. She told us too soon before everything was confirmed. So angry. Angry and frustrated because I want to be the one to do it. Please please please let those letters be ready today. Let us be able to tell them today. That's all I ask. I can't go back to staff now and have them wait. It just can't happen. My head hurts again. I ate badly yesterday. I feel the stress now. Like really feel it.  It will be ok, though. I will get up. I will work out. I will let out my stress on the trainer. I will go to work. I will hope for news that we can have the discussions. I will call Kavita. I will let staff know if something changes. I will go home. I will do pilates or massage. I will spend Friday getting my hair and nails done, and going to Tacunga. I will come back Saturday night, p...

Disconnect

Yeah there is no easy way to do this. I am letting 14 people go. No easy way. I hope I can do it today and tomorrow. I need to be able to. This is my task. It won't be easy. Thank you universe for giving me the chance to do this before I go on leave. Or please give me the chance to do this before I go on leave. It won't be easy, and maybe that's why I don't feel good or have this headache. Maybe it's because I am stressed. Underlying stress that affects my body. One step at a time.  I really enjoyed Loja. I needed it. Walking round, eating a good meal, popsicles in the park. Rest. No emails. Disconnected. And, I got to see another part of Ecuador. Now I need to focus on Saturday. This brevet won't be easy and I need to start getting ready. My head still hurts, maybe I am fighting something. Hopefully I can get through this and go with a clear mind an energy. I am still feeling off. Then, Mallorca. I can deal with that when I get there. It's not a tour. It...

Rebuilding PC

I have been tired a lot this weekend. Like a lot. Both days after riding, I lied on the couch and had a hard time getting back up or motivated. Maybe these parasites got the best out of me. Maybe the medicine did. Either way, today is another day. I go to Loja. I get to see a different place, hang out with volunteers, explore, rest. That was the goal anyways. To see Loja. So, that's what I will do. Embrace new things, new places. Embrace the opportunity to be here. And we will see what is in store for us this week with DOGE. Hopefully they are done. They can leave. And we can start rebuilding. I wonder what it will look like. I get excited about chaos. About uncertainty. Yet, I run away from it. Familiar, but not what I truly need perhaps.  I'm grateful for... - family  - life - this job - my health  - Justin

Nito

I had a dream Nito died again. This time he took drugs. And me, patty, and marcela were going to Tampa but we needed first go to a job that we were starting and ask to leave early. It was a mundane job. I just typed in stuff, super easy. Marcela was in housekeeping for the owner and Patty a similar job to me. I ended up asking if we could leave at 2. It was unrealistic but real. I wonder what that means. For Nito, it's clear. The results really shook mommy up. For the job, maybe because I am walking on thin ice with DOGE drama. I need a break. Mallorca will be good for me. I'm grateful for... - Family  - Finally knowing what Nito had, a mental disability - My job - Life  - My health 

Bike Trouble

I had a dream, a bad one. I was on a bike tour that was about to start. My bike was somewhere else because I had it delivered or something. I went and they didn't have the front wheel and other parts. I got angry. Then, they rebelled and said that I was a slow rider and other mean things, and that they would just trade the parts for little money. I felt terrible, and hopeless because it was way past the time we were supposed to start the ride. I don't know what this means, maybe guilt for riding with Audax and not Titos during the week. Maybe the comment Ruth made about Kenny. Or, if I take a deeper dive maybe something about what Kat mentioned, not riding so much. That underlining thought haunts me.  I'm grateful for... - Justin - My job and still having one - My health - Family - The weekend 

Avoidant Tendencies

Somebody has to feel. That's what Ann said yesterday. What does she mean by that? It bothered be later because I know it wasn't intentional. She has anxiety. I do feel, just in a different way. I could interpret it as a dig. Just like when she said at the table that just because we don't look sad doesn't;'t mean we aren't. Or, when she said to the volunteers that her and John were local staff so have a special place for them. I will talk to her today, but my guess is that she is struggling. I am not. I am calm. This happens. It happened to those at HQ too. And USAID. People lose their jobs. Then they pick up and move on. This is how it works. This is how life works. Now, I need to live. Because I am not, to the fullest anyways.  I had a dream that I was trying to decide if I wanted to be back with Peter. I think it was Justin in my dreams. We are acting like a couple again. I love him, maybe more as a friend. I love having him close. I also don't have anyone...

Panama

Panama was good for me. Not on the I miss it level or the place or the heat or the views. It was good for me because I connected. I was social. Mercedes and Carlos, Fernando and Edgar, the team, Lynn. I even called Andrea when I was there. I disconnected. I left Quito. It was a good trip. I didn't feel good but that was since Friday. Something off with my stomach I think. Again, it made me realize that I prefer it here. I am over Panama. It was a good chapter, but that chapter is over. I will stay connected with Mercedes and Carlos and the team, but it's not home. Ecuador is feeling comfortable. I am getting there.  I'm grateful for... - Mercedes and Carlos - My job - A good trip to Panama - Being back home - Family - Friends  - My health

Social Fitness

I need to work on this. I had an opportunity yesterday, and I couldn't do it. I just couldn't get myself to go. It was right here. Why does this keep happening. Or maybe just because it is at night. I need to do better. Schedule it like work. Once a week, something social. Let's start there. It can be a last minute thing, or even coffee after Nayon. Just once a week, Anni. Start there. This can't keep happening. I am missing out., I can stay with Justin and still meet people. Just walk out the door. You don't have to think about it. I could have biked there and left my bike for maintenance. I didn't and that's ok. There will be other opportunities. But, Anni you have to prioritize this. If anything, prioritize this, make it work for you. Maybe that is what this new gig needs to be about. Meeting new people somehow.  I'm grateful for... - Self awareness - Family - My health  - Ruth and Justin - Having a job still

Ruminating

 I got anxious last night. It was sudden. I started ruminating again, like I did in December. About my glute pain, and which ride to go to - with ruth or Felipe- and mostly about maybe being late with everything going on and not being in the office when the TPs go out. I was heightened. I was ruminating over little decisions. I will stay home, do the trainer, and be at work by 8:30. Done.  Simple. Then, I felt bad because I ate for the ride with Felipe today. So I felt powerless again. This cycle continues. I get stressed, I over train, under eat, feel in control, obsess over cycling, feel bad when I eat normally, get injured, depression. This all started with one simple thing. Something stressful, That triggers it. Or threat of an injury. I really do need something else. I need that other part, Badly. Maybe I can ask the universe that question. Lay out the path for me please. What direction, with Justin and with that other part should I be walking towards. Please. Lay out the...

Staff Cuts

Our new number is 33. That means we have to cut 6 people. Six humans. six hard - working souls. It's better than 8, but it's still a lot. It's not ideal. Peace Corps will be a little different, I'm sure of it. I wonder what the extension of Farr Castle will mean. If I get another 5 years with all this I will be so happy, would be the best silver lining ever. I'm grateful for... - getting to have dinner with Ruth and Ivancho today - feeling strong yesterday at Nayon - getting to keep my job - friends and family 

Allison

I got my period today, that's a good thing. I didn't even feel emotional. Just couldn't stay asleep but that seems to be the norm these days. I am getting better at not ruminating or worrying too much. I just turn off my brain and that's it. I talked to Allison yesterday, she was on fire. I think I will be ok. I think I will be safe. Because Allison will have my back, I think. Not like I need it, but she will be behind me. Or she might even call me for something else, move me somewhere else. The good thing is I think Peace Corps is here to stay now. Trump wants it to. That's a good thing. Now, let's see what it looks like. It could be dire. It could be bad. It could be small. For now, Ecuador stays. I stay. I don't know what the rebuilding structure will be yet, but I don't think there will be more cuts after this stage is all over. Let's hope.  I'm grateful for... - my job - being close to Allison and having her trust me - my health - realizatio...

Gravel Fest

I did Gravel Fest yesterday, first day. It was actually fun minus the dogs. I fell hard because of one. I met three guys, one parlayed, riding. They were so nice. Said I was strong, They were taking care of him. Then, on the pavement I passed a lot of people. I enjoy this, I really do. No more of course, but these rides are fun. 100k max. I couldn't sleep last night because of thoughts of Peace Corps What a mess. Looks like a big percentage, maybe 50 or more. This could just me the start. I need a plan B. Vermont maybe. Lay low for a while, get a job with local government. I don't know, let's see what happens with Farr Castle too. Maybe I could get extended. Like past 2 years. maybe 1 more or 5 more years. Would be ideal. But, if not that's ok. I need a new career regardless. Or a move up. I could go back to school for social work. I don't know, but I need to start thinking.  I'm grateful for... - life - my job - my health and the fall yesterday not being too ba...