New Beginnings

I went through something interesting yesterday. I am not sure if talking to Justin triggered it or not. I was doing ok not thinking about him anymore. I started to think abut what it was that made him pull away. Was he seeing someone else, was there something about me, was it the hpv. He said it was just that he was hurt from all the times I pulled away that he was, but I don't know. He's a good liar. Maybe it was something else. Anyways, this was going around on my mind for a while. And the thing is it doesn't matter. I was hiding the truth too. I said I wasn't ready, and it was that I wasn't attracted to him physically. It was strange how he pulled away, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because we aren't together anymore. And we never will be in that capacity. The truth is the relationship wasn't working for either of us. Period. The same happened with Peter and I stayed connected. I won't do that this time. I will break this part of th...

Justin called yesterday. It wasn't as comforting as I thought. Actually, I may be starting to get over this. Get over him. It was nice to talk to him, but I don't need it. I don't need him. He will be a good friend. I can tell. And the qualities he had when we were together are the ones I want in my next man. In my person.  I'm grateful for... - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - Getting through this rough patch - Elizabeth

I tried Naru yesterday. It was a bust. Not my thing at all. People seemed nice, but the workouts would get me injured. Nope, not interested. I cried after I went to my car and vented to mommy a little about nobody asking about me. It helped. I need to be better at sharing. It's important to let go. Let it out. She said it's because I'm a problem fixer and I'm strong. Well strong people need support too. I told her I felt like I was in a silent retreat. It makes me sad to think how much I talked to Justin. It makes me realize that I don't talk. I am missing out. On connection, on sharing my emotions, on sharing ideas. I think I will stick with the gym a few times a week. Done. I can start when I'm back from Galapagos unless they are open on the holiday. Maybe I will start today. Maybe I can still meet people there.  I'm grateful for... - Love - Hope for healing - My health physically, emotionally, and mentally - Friends - Mommy - My strength 

Poppy was in my dream. He was younger and had three small kids. I saw him and he saw me. I got upset and left and then he tried to find me to explain. he seemed happy. This is not the first time I see him when he's younger. I don't even remember him like that. I hope he's happy.  Then, in my dream I was looking for pants and something to wear and couldn't find it. Marcela and I had planned something too, and no one wanted to go.  Yesterday was rough. I feel angry and starting to really feel the effects of losing Justin. I am glad I am seeing Elizabeth tomorrow. It's needed. I need to talk. I should talk more to Patty and Jenny. Or maybe write more. These feelings are stuck inside. I am there for everyone, but who is there for me? Justin was. I'm grateful for... - life - love - my health physically, mentally, and emotionally

I had an ok weekend. Saturday was good. Sunday not so mch. I was in my head a lot, really tired so listened to my body, bt definitely notice a difference when I don't ride. I needed it in a way. I thought a lot about changing things up though. Here is what I decided. Join Naru CrossFit and the book club. They will keep me busy at least. Either Naru or just the gym. But the gym I will have to push myself, hard. I can work out at lunch though which is good. That and pilates. Still thinking about it. I can't do much now because of my him anyways. I need something. Another year of this will make me isolated again. I thought about Justin again last night. A lot. I missed him. I regretted whatever we lost. I compared him to most men. I thought about when he was mad at me. Frustrated with me on the trip. How much he was in his head, like at the waterfall. Just like I was all those times we were together before that. Undecided. But, there was something different. He was unhappy. I hope...

 There was a tarantula looking spider that clung to my finger and tried to bite me. spiders do't bite. They don't have teeth. This one definitely did. Then, it told me that if I try to trap it the venom would still leave its body every couple minutes for me. So, I trapped it anyways and saw that it did. I watched it, had mommy watch it for me. Tried to kill the venom as it flew. It was awful. Justin.  Toxic relationships:  The spider venom can represent a toxic relationship—romantic or platonic—that is draining you emotionally, financially, or spiritually. The pursuit of the venom suggests this negative influence is inescapable and getting closer. I'm grateful for... - life - Friends in my life - Family - Healing emotionally and physically - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - A good ride with Ruth yesterday

I tool care of myself yesterday. I told gaelle I couldn't go to her house, I went home early, I took it easy. And oh did I need it. I slept for 9 hours. I also talked to Ruth last night. She made me think about being empowered. Things bother her and she fixes it. She bought a rack so she can drive herself to Cumbaya. She is taking lessons on MTB because she is nervous on the mtb. She acts. I want to act more. I complain about missing connection and dance around the idea of hiking. Just do it. Go and try it out. But the gear. Climb. Challenge yourself. Set a goal. Join a group. Take advantage that you are fit and healthy. You can do all this. Be empowered. I'm grateful for... - Good results from the colonoscopy - Ruth as a friend here - The paros being over  - Life - My health, physically, emotionally, mentally

I am doing my colonoscopy today. Ufff the prep was awful. One day bland foods, one day just liquids, really gross prep medicine. I'm glad I can get this over with. Will work from home and then I need to get more into work. I am slacking, at least I feel like I am. I am almost ready for something new, but at the same time I am grateful for my job. I am grateful for being here in Ecuador. For being able to do what I love. The only thing that's missing is deep connection. I will get there, now I have more space since I am not talking to Justin every free moment I have. Still can't believe it. Two plus years every day. I am starting to get used to not having him around as much. It helps to stay busy, but even when I'm not, I remember he was annoyed with me. I remember the DR. Silence. Him being a guy. Me being bored. I'm grateful for... - getting this colonoscopy done today - life  - family and friends - my health physically, emotionally, and mentally

I'm feeling grateful this morning, started last night. I think it was the conversation with Marie yesterday. She seemed disappointed with her life. She didn't accomplish what she set out to. I did. I have a great job that I love. I have income and savings. I have my health. I don't have regrets on my career. I have come far. I have cycling and fitness, and I'm good at it. So, when I feel like I need something else I should remember this. Remember that some people don't have even a fraction. And remember to embrace what you have. Love what you have. Enjoy what you have. Deep connection is all that is missing, which you will get soon. I'm grateful for.. - my life - my health physically, emotionally, and mentally - hope for healing  - my friends 

Justin called me yesterday. I was home and saw his name and worried that it might be something serious. That was the agreement. Call when something is wrong. Nothing was wrong but he updated me on his stomach appointment. We talked more and more. Then I asked myself why are we punishing ourselves. He meets that deep connection I need. Why do I have to separate from it. I guess because I was starting to imagine him as the one, and he isn't, anyways, let's see what happens between now and November. I was starting to move on. I can get there again. I know I can. This is helping me search for other things. Prioritize other things. Maybe even meet new people. Elizabeth said something interesting the other day. she said that being able to have that deep connection quickly is a good thing, but can also be bad because you draw people in too quickly who may not be the person for you. She also said that people who live overseas seem to have that challenge of connecting with friends at ho...

I had a little bit of a hard time yesterday. I think because I had too much time on my hands. I will have to change that moving forward. Normally I would have gone on a ride, but I am being careful with my hip which is also important. I invited Ruth to lunch and we chatted. She has a pure soul. She is kind. I like her energy. I can't get stuck in this staying home and watching tv though. I need to get out more. I will. Question is do I want a dog. Or can I do it in other ways. I don't want to procrastinate too much. But I do feel like I could use something else in my life. Maybe I will volunteer. That could be interesting. I wonder how I can do that.  I'm grateful for... - life - my health physically, emotionally, mentally - hope for healing - my mental strength - being in this hotel and doing classes

I did it. I had the conversation. We did. We are taking a no contact break for one month and then we will reassess. I will be ok. I feel that I will. I am hopeful that we can be friends again. That we can have each other in our lives. November 11 is what we decided. It's for the best. I love him as a friend and I want that back. We just need to break this habit. That's all. In the meantime I will focus on me and he will focus on him. It will be good. I miss talking to him but it was a habit. It was keeping me from including other people in my life. It wasn't what Elizabeth said. She said 3-6 months. And maybe it becomes that. But, for now one month is good. Im happy with that. I'm grateful for... - Patty - Letting Justin go - Friends like Jenny and Sonja - Hope for healing - My health mentally, physically, nd emotionally