Monday Again

It's Monday, again. I'm tired. I want another day off. I aways do on Mondays. I think I need a real break. Not just a week. Maybe I will take home leave this year. I need to. After PST. Go somewhere for a month. Be at peace. Enjoy the scenery. Have a routine. Buy a place. Learn something new. I will definitely need to learn something new. I could take my R&R next time for PBP if I am still here. I need this break. As for xmas, gosh I always end up here. I can do the climbs. It will be uncomfortable and cold, but adventurous and different. Or I could travel around Ecuador on my own. It would be adventurous, but lonely and not structured. Or I could try to ride across Ecuador. On my own. I will talk to Elizabeth about it on Wednesday. 

I still think about Justin, too. It's not a lot like before, but still wonder why he called it quits. What I need to remember is that I was going to. I was going to, Anni. I had it planned. He knew that maybe too. It was obvious. And because he told me I feel like the victim. I'm not. I was going to. We were done as partners. Even as friends we were struggling. He was sad, and mad, and mean even sometimes. Not himself. Frustrated and angry. Maybe it was because of me. And if it was, I didn't want to be around him anyways. That was poppy. I won't do that again. He can be human, I get that. But, he didn't show this before so it scares me. I don't even know if I want to be his friend. It would be too different. I don't know. I still love him. I still am holding on to that idea of us. Of having a distant partner that I have created an illusion of. That I can think about and talk about and not feel lonely. But it's not reality. When we were together that spark turned off. It shouldn't be that way. It was like that with Peter sometimes too, though. Not attracted or just because I chose them for comfort. Emotional comfort that later caused me emotional pain. 

I'm thankful for...

- Weekends

- Spending time with Ruth yesterday in Metro Park and lunch

- Sonja and Matthias

- My health, physically, emotionally, and mentally 

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