Sex

I went on my second date yesterday with Edwin. It was a mistake to go to his house. I now understand why he wanted that, though. I don't think he would have wanted to go out anyways. We didn't even talk 20 minutes before he kissed me. He gave me a tour and we went to his bed. He was persistent. It was a dumb move on my part. But part of me wanted to be close to someone again. A big part of me. So we kissed. A lot. He's such a good kisser. I was reminded that I can be passionate about someone again. I still have that spark in me. I am capable. I wanted that with Justin and Peter, but nothing. I had that with John, but he didn't want to commit. I can't seem to get it right. Edwin doesn't want a relationship. I think he made that clear. He wants to travel the world. Be present. Undecided about being with one person. I get it. I don't get that mindset for 47, but I get it. The thing is I know what will happen if I continue to see him. We will be casual, have casual sex, be intimate for three months. Then, he will leave. I will get attached and want him to change his mind. We definitely have chemistry, but there is no potential for something real. A real partner. Justin had that part. Commitment, he cared about me. deep conversations, respect, he made me feel safe. The chemistry was missing. Something is always missing. Not a small part, either. A big one. I will get there. Like the tarot reader said, maybe in a while. Maybe friends first for a long time. Like chatpgot said, maybe someone with less spark at first. I thought that would happen with Justin. It didn't. So here we are, again. Single, but ok. I will keep trying, but I know what I want. I know what I don't want more. I want potential for a real relationship. A serious one. A partner. I want chemistry. I want someone who gets me. All of me, even my crazy passion for biking. I want someone stable who has a job or is financially secure. Justin with chemistry minus that. I guess it will help if I am stable too. Not moving around so much. That's what I'm building. A life where I am in one place for the rest of my life. I can travel and be free, but I want stability. And someone secure in all the ways. Not someone who makes me feel uncomfortable or pressured to have sex on the second date. I know better, but I did want to. That's a good thing.

I'm grateful for...

- Knowing what I want

- My health physically, mentally, and emotionally

- Hope to meet someone I can share my life with 

- Family and friends

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