He Said No

Papi said no again, in my dream. We were leaving to go somewhere with Marcela and one of the kids. The family was around. He said no. Papi said no we can't go. I have this engrained in me. I can't let him go. That voice. That firmness. That person I remember he was. As a kid, as a teenager, as an adult until he got sick. I wish I could remember the good parts too. 

I heard from Jean that the CHOPS position is probably a no go. Way too competitive, which I expected. My gut didn't want it anyways. It was a good idea for financial stability, but probably not the bet move. I got to be CD. I am CD. I will be for 2 more years. Enjoy it while I can. Stay put like the trait reader said. Like Kat said. Embrace being here. In Ecuador. Save money. Get your pre-requisites. Be happy. 

On the men front, I have been talking to Sergio a lot. He is the type of man I long for. Sweet, open, adventurous, challenges me mentally. Let's see how it turns out. He still has almost a month to his destination in Ushuaia and then back up to Colombia. That's a long time. Keep your expectations low though. It may not work out. He will go to Colombia. I will stay here then move on. Don't get attached. Meanwhile, Edwin is back. He asked for help with his watch. I helped. He offered to have dinner Friday. I caved. Not good, Anni. We said no. Why did you go back. You said no. You were breaking a pattern, and now the pattern is back. Same with Justin. I called Justin. We connected again. He misses me. He wants to go to Samoa. Why do I go back? Is it relapse or a pull? I do miss how much he gets me. He's smart too. He now has a good job. I wonder sometimes if we could be good together. 

So now I focus on the friends I made here. Staying connected to family. Being present. Engage in work through visits. Strength training. Save money aggressively. Invest. Study. It will be ok. Enjoy this time. This is your year. 

I'm grateful for...

- Sergio 

- Connecting with Justin again

- Friends 

- Family

- My job 

- My health physically, mentally, and emotionally 

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