Ready

I thought about George a lot yesterday, but getting better at thinking about it and then moving on to a different thought or what I am doing. That's the key I think. I am getting there. Hopefully one day I will have the clarity I need to realize that he wasn't for me at all. Not just a little bit. Because he wasn't. I know this deep down inside, but my emotions are just lagging behind. He wasn't the one. He was using me and he loved me. He was drowning. He was unstable. He was anxiously attached. He was irresponsible. He was in debt. He was manipulative. He didn't respect me needing space. He was happy I left Italy early. He thought of himself despite my suffering. Did he know I am not sure. I just know that he wasn't for me. I deserve better. I deserve a man who is kind and cares about me genuinely. That is ok with me taking space and taking it slow, because he wants to as well. I want a man who is attractive in his own way to me and secure. Someone who is stable and active and responsible and has savings and a steady job. Someone who sees me as someone to admire not control. Someone to take care of even though he knows I don't need it. I will find him. He will find me. I trust this. 

So Mark and Kavita both reached out yesterday mentioning that the CHOPS positions will be posted on the IRL today. I will apply. I am not sure what will happy, but I will put my hat in the ring. Why not. Again, if I don't get it I know it's not meant to be. The universe wants me to stay in Ecuador. If I do get it, it could be a good change. A fresh start. A life back in the US, where I can visit home more often. A place to call home for a bit. Join the randouneers again, get on bumble and maybe meet someone, have job stability for 5 more years until things stabilize, make friends, be busy at work again. I will miss Ecuador and what it offered, but I know I only had a year and a half, and that would have gone by fast. I am ready to move on. I can start my nursing prerequisites one by one, slowly. And maybe volunteer at a hospital, a veterans hospital. I could still be active, maybe join a cross fit gym. Have a community. Get to know people at work. Quito feels small now. I feel like I met everyone there is to meet who is single anyways. I've traveled to the amazon, and Loja, and Cuenca, and Cotocachi. I climbed Cotopaxi. I biked from Quito to Vilcambamba and so many other places. I made friends I will keep forever. Ariana, Cris, Fer, Andrea. I will miss my routine, and the closeness of work from my apartment. I will miss my apartment. But, I don't need that much. I will be fine. I just need a place to call home. And outside space. Simplicity. I lived beautifully in Panama and Ecuador, and I might again. But, it's time to go back to reality. To not being an expat anymore. To get away from the temptation to write George. From the risk of another accident. From my job that feels like autopilot even during the busy times. From a place that is too easy to stay single. From a place far from home. I am ready. 

I'm grateful for...

- Jean

- Having people reach out about CHOPS position and feeling wanted

- Patty 

- My healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally

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