New Beginnings

 - He lacked ambition, and that was rubbing off on me - I wasn't attracted to him, felt forced when I was (alcohol).  - He was a follower. Lacked back bone - He didn't have a steady job - H lived with his mom - He wasn't eager to learn (even when it was free) Spanish to college - I didn't know how he made money - He was lazy, sat by pool with Smirnoff  - He slept late

I can't remember my dream again. I need to start writing them down as soon as I remember. Wait, I remember being with other women. And we were at some restaurant. We left and I had to go back to grab my yellow hoodie, and when I went back I saw that they had left their clothes too. I grabbed it ll and left. As I was leaving some guy acted like he knew me. He said he saw me on the bike and that I knew his hotel room if I wanted to go back. I went back to tell my friends and Marcela said she slept with someone.  I had another hard session with Susanna yesterday. We dug more into the possibility that I could have been sexually abused. I don't want to create a story, but she seems to believe that all signs are indicating that way. I don't remember though. I hope my dreams reveal something.  I ate a lot yesterday, or a lot I didn't need to. And I feel bad about it. I had coconut flakes and almonds and a salad for lunch. It wasn't that bad, but more than what I am used to...

I had dinner with Melissa and Vic yesterday. Me and Melissa are getting along so well now. She's changed. If I would have seen that when it was time to extend or recommend her I would have done things differently. But, she was the same then. She changed recently, and that's great for her. But, she still hurt me. She still made my life miserable at work. I learned from it, but it was painful. I didn't deserve it. So, I am glad she transformed. She matured or she got help. Now I can enjoy my last months in Panama. Vic mentioned something that stuck with me. She said sometimes you just need to move and shake things up for a different energy to bring you what you want. For me it's love. Maybe Ecuador is it. I know I said Panama was it last time. But Panama was to heal. And I did. It was to continue learning from accidents and bad relationships. It was to understand what I want. That's why I came back to Panama. I will remember Panama in that way. Where I started my eati...

I dreamt my car was stolen. Well, it was almost stolen at first, but I caught the person. He was sitting in the back with 2 other people. He was shy, passive, unthreatening. I took my car back. Then, I had a long day at work, It was a good day. Productive with meetings with Mike and the Ambassador. When I walked outside at night, the car was gone. I knew right away it was him. 

I haven't written today yet. I believe I am officially in the depression phase with Justin. I think acceptance comes next. The difference this time is that I have feelings of depression, I'm not depressed. I miss how much he made me laugh. God I laughed so much with him. I think I can get to a place when I enjoy my single life again. Get ready for Ecuador, it's happening. And I am allowed to miss him. To feel sad. To feel empty a little. It's ok. Now I know how much I crave romantic connection. Or is it connection in general. I loved having him around. I hope to be distracted this week and weekend at home. I will probably want to talk to him more. I miss that. He was so supportive. I hope he's ok.I know I will be, eventually. I feel like my heart is heavy right now. And that's ok. I loved. I can love again. Just take one day at a time. One hour at a time. One week at a time, like Patty said. See how I feel in a week from now. Next Sunday.  I'm grateful for.....

I missed Justin a lot yesterday. I also had doubts. I think that's normal, but Susanna says that nothing is set in stone. So maybe I just give it more time. No need to react right now. Breathe. And start doing what she said, imagining him on my insurance, in my house, meeting my friends. Am I proud or embarrassed. The  latter. He is a good guy, but I know I can do better. I want someone who has their stuff together. Maybe he does and hasn't told me. But, I don't think so. H wouldn't live with his mom if that were the case. It was intense yesterday with Susanna. She seemed to point at me being sexually abused. I don't know if that is the case, but it could be. She is good. I can't remember my dream last night now. Something about a pool. We were swimming and there was kayaking, and I was drinking lots of water. She thinks that maybe I was a witness. That maybe I saw it happen to someone else. I don't know but it could be. Dinner with Mercedes and Carlos was n...

I saw Kury yesterday. It helps when I meet someone else who is single with no kids. Refreshing actually. I want to stop reframing that story to one full of freedom and adventure. To make the most of this time until I do find the one. I know he is out there. I had another weird dream last night. I was with some kids on elevators I think. Patty may have been there. We were going to see if there was a snake on a rock in the murky water. It was there and then went in the water. We all ran as if it was after us. I've been sad today, started the morning missing Justin. I miss the intimacy. The closeness. And then I missed our talks. I laughed so much with him. And then I tried t think of things that were wrong to make me feel better. It didn't work. I do love him. He may not be right for me in all the ways I could want, but I do feel like it is and was love. I didn't feel this with Peter. I definitely didn't feel this with Matt. So what do I do. Let this wave ride? I know tha...