New Beginnings

 I had a dream that me and Matt were at a retreat. Marcela and Patty were there to. Matt and I were together. One night he invited another girl. He slept with her in front of me and then she stayed the night. He was really paranoid someone would see her walk out so he asked me to hide with her. Then, I went to get dinner and I was upset so I sat with Patty and other friends. I was topless. We had oysters and it was really light food. Then, I went to pack with Patty. I divided up everything, mine and his. It was over,

I woke up trying to remember if my dream was real. I ate too much and was trying to throw up. I didn't want anyone to hear so there I was, miserable that I was full. What a terrible time that was. I remember her. She was lonely, didn't feel worthy, and tied her weight to her worth. I wish I could go back and change that. I wish I could giver her the tools I have now. I wish I could tell her to leave Peter. To do what her heart wants. To live. To smile. To get out of the house. 

I am regretting not keeping my deferral for IM Panama. But, at the same time, maybe it's a good thing. Then I don't have to focus on that next year. I want to focus more on taking care of my body. On the next adventure. No part of me misses triathlons, especially the run at the end. I want to do pilates and bike, and swim on occasion. That's my secret sauce. Maybe something will intrigue me in Ecuador. And, I think gradually I've been leaning towards my feminine side. For example, I have been thinking about writing a book, a memoir. Galdames Memoir. Yes! That feels like a yes, and I can do it with mommy. She can tell me stories. More time to be creative. No more beating myself up physically. That doesn't serve me anymore. After Japan, I will seek another adventure. Another travesia. It will be amazing. I am enjoying life right now. Work is good, a little routine. A little challenging at times. But, that just means I'm ready for Ecuador. A new team. A fresh start...

I am on day 2 of recovery from my procedure. All ok so far. Well, it still hurt to poop yesterday, but I assume it will get better with time. The Venmo scam thing has been bothering me. I don't want to think it's her, but it could be. That's bothering me. Hopefully time will tell. Justin and I are talking like before again. He makes me laugh. He brings me comfort. He's a good friend. I had a dream that Peter broke up with Mary. My dreams have been better since getting back with Justin. Less dark. Maybe because it's a distraction. I'm tired of being strong. I just want to be loved. I want to let go. Be silly. Take risks. I'm sensing something off at work. I will ask Celina today. Something is going on that's not flowing. Not sure what. I am going for a run today. Yes, a run. This will help me make up my mind on the IM. I don't really want to do it. I might not. I am going to see how this run feels. And go from there. I can decide later. It;s just mone...

I had my procedure done yesterday, LIS. It was fine, but a little triggering. Reminds me of all my accidents. I'm so grateful I wasn't in for that or anything long term. It was over by noon and I spend the rest of the day recovering at home, doing nothing. I can't bike for a week. I have to go to the bathroom soon and I'm nervous. I think that I got used to the pain. I hope this fixes it. Justin is back in my life. I know he's not the one, but I like having him around. He may or may not come back to Panama. Or go to flight school. But, I remember now why I don't want to be with him. Stability, or lack there of. So, I can be his friend and support him on his crazy journey. We can make love. But, I have my life in Ecuador and he has his. Just is nice having support and not feeling so lonely. That's all it is. I'm grateful for... - Justin - Family - Hope for a full recovery of anal fissure - being healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally

I had the weirdest dream last night that we were being chased, and were asked to fight those coming. I sat at a table and talked to kids, some guy was next me that I think liked me that I was trying to impress. Then, Marcela was upset about something and I was trying to make it better. Marcela is in my dreams a lot. I wonder why. I woke up with a headache. I had a tough day yesterday. It was a back and fourth on thoughts about Justin day. It was tough. Going back and fourth is always hard, and especially when you throw in regret. I get triggered here and there and somethings parked the thought of wanting to call him in the morning. Then, I went for a swim and it helped. Distraction helps. But, I got close again at night. Which is why I think I am just lonely. I listened to a podcast yesterday that was eye opening. It makes sense. Deeper but fewer relationships is the key. I wish I would have realized that earlier in life, like in DC. I had none. Not one deep relationship. And now I had...

Set up a call with mrs sisters and feel better about a plan for Mommy. I will start looking for jobs for Nito. Makes me feel better that I have patty, marcela, and susi with me on this. I had a session with Susanna yesterday, and we seem to be getting closer to the idea that I may have been sexually abused and don't remember. I had a dream the other night that Nito was burned alive. We were all watching, even poppy. We didn't do anything, Just watched and wondered if he would remember the next day, almost as if he was drunk like he used to be. I watched a documentary about Lucie in Japan, she was sexually abused and so were other women but they didn't know because they were drugged. I wonder if that could have been the case. Or similar. I know it's easy to make things up, but it seems like with the neglect of busy parents and moving so much to my eating disorder, depression, and anxiety, and fear of commitment, that maybe there is something there. It would have been bef...