New Beginnings

I was sleeping, Marcela was next to me. It was now, not as kids. I saw hands of men coming from outside trying to open the door, but at the same time waiting for permission to come in. There was a scary sound coming from them. I screamed, Go Away, Go Away, Go Away over and over again, hoping they would. Kept trying for Marcela to wake up. Finally, I screamed Get Out of Here! It was loud. It stopped. They stopped. I woke up. Dreams are hard because it could have been because of that podcast on hidden brain, but this also aligns well with what I have been dreaming and thinking about. Poppy's friends. Men we called tios. Maybe not all of them, but definitely him. The one without fingers. I didn't sleep after that. I had a rough night. It's been a rough 6 months. I am ready to go home. Settle down. Meet someone. Feel stable.  I'm grateful for... - family - hope for healing - being able to bike again

 I had a dream that I watched a plane crash. I think too Vitoco was in it. I know I have deep emotions. That is clear. I think they are related to family past. I know they are. What exactly, I don't know. But, I am hopeful for Ayahuasca. Maybe that's why too Vitoco showed up. He must hav done it a time or two. Maybe that is why he was so calm all the time.  I am grateful for... - my job and team - Thanksgiving with Ann and John and family yesterday - This apartment and comfort - Justin, Peter, Sonja, Jenny, Mercedes Seeing a plane that lands in the big blue ocean (or lake) signifies some deeply submerged emotions. Think of it as Mother Nature's way of saying, "Hey there, time to surface those feelings.

It's Thanksgiving today. I could care less. I'm feeling a little off today. I have a headache. I will do my hair today, don't feel very attractive lately. I've gained weight and not feeling like myself. Maybe this will help. I am not sure how home will work. Marcela won't be there, Justin will. Mommy will, Susi will. At the end of the day, they are the ones I need to feel close to. Maybe we can bond. I am tired. Tired of life right now. Trying to find slivers of joy that are buried in anger and criticism. Poppy. I am Poppy. I think this came from his father, and his father maybe. There is something about him that I don't know. He was an abuser, he was unhappy, he treated poppy badly. Then, poppy had to do the same even though he didn't want to. And, here I am. It ends with me. That's the goal. My challenge. The abuse, the unfairness, the discrimination, the bullying. Passed from generation to generation. It ends with me. Full stop. Now.  I'm grateful...

Pros: - Don't lose money - See a new place in Ecuador - Meet new people - Confidence and ending year strong - Get out of Quito Cons: - Miss out on thanksgiving with Ann and John - Lose money - Risk knee hurting - Miss out on hike Saturday - Disappoint coach and Ann If I go: - Tell Ann  - Tell Coach - Bike check-up - Reserve hotel 

Begin writing about your intentions, questions, or any thoughts you wish to reflect on during the retreat. Bring your journal with you as it will be an important tool throughout the process. Intentions: - To reconnect  with my true self. Without all of the negative learnings from childhood until now that I have picked up. Without the perception that I need validation. Without the false identities I have grown attached to.  - To understand what I need to focus on and follow to be truly happy and content.  - what gets passed from one generation to another and isnt dealth with stays with the person who experiences pain - change unhealthy patterns from family past, ie critical like poppy Questions: - What are my dreams trying to tell me? Why do I wake up  screaming?  - Are there family secrets I don't know about? What patterns have I inherited that I would like to change? - Why do I have commitment issues? - Is there a big change I need to make? What do you wan...

I had a dream about babies, lots of them I think. We were on a boat and we had to take turns being leaders. I was up and counting everyone. Then there were babies, 1 that was just born and being all athletic. Then, there were 2 others that didn't want to eat. It was so strange. Why am I dreaming of babies again? It's too late to have one. I have noticed how I can't even commit to a dog. I should start there. A kind, loving, nice dog. Like Cat said I would meet with a man. Justin might be coming to stay with me. I wouldn't mind that actually. I could use the company. And, honestly, I could use time with him to know if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Because that is where we are heading. That's commitment. Or is it when it is only until May?  I'm grateful for... - Hope for a complete recovery with my back and hip - Being able to talk to Patty every day and the short exchange with Susi yesterday - Justin

I'm signed up, and have a tentative date to see family. I will wait to see what happens with Justin. what he comes up with. I decided to go back to sleep after researching that you shouldn't exercise after dry needling. I might still do something, but this afternoon. I think I needed it. I dreamt of Susie being in Vanuatu or some island like that and the rest of the family on the mainland. Me and Patty were helping, and I stayed a little longer. Then, when I was about to leave she was hurting and needed me to stay longer. It was intense. I hope she is ok. I wrote her, she had a cold.  I'm grateful for... - love - Justin - family - my dreams that I know are telling me something

I was thinking yesterday that maybe I am going backwards. I need a psychologist. I just Truman group, we will see. Starting to see that Justin is maybe not for me, romantically anyways. I'm pulling away. I don't feel like me either. I feel disconnected, disengaged, unhappy. Not sure why. Yes, I do. The cycling, or lack of. Being injured again. I was thinking last night that maybe it wouldn't be bad to lean in to this off time and focus on climbing, hiking, eating well, pilates. Give the bike a rest. I will still ride, but not that much. I think that might be smart. I'm tired. I'm still transitioning. Give yourself a break, Anni. I am thankful for... - Love - Hope for a full recovery - Ideas 

Justin said we needed to talk about what we are doing over xmas. I am not ready for him to see my family, I don't think. He can come here after the retreat or I can go there. I kind of want to go home, but not sure what that would look like with him there. It's complicated. Should it be, though? It shouldn't. I should want to see him. I should be counting the days, shouldn't I? right now he is comfort. He is my stability. He is my comfort blanket. He is my rock. And there is nothing wrong with that. I need that. If not, I would be alone, or would I be? The truth is that I want him as a friend. I want him as someone to lean on like I lean on Sonja and Peter. I want him as my best friend, a companion. That's the truth. I'm grateful for... - Hope that I will be healthy again and can bike  - Love for family and friends - Trust in myself that I am making the right decisions and on the right path

I have a calling to do this. I want to do this retreat, but the only thing stopping me is someone reporting me and losing my job. I know that's not realistic. It's a healing retreat. I know I need it. I wonder if I came here for that, Ecuador. Something else on my mind that tugs at me is Justin. I don't want to see him. I am not eager. I am not excited. That should say something. We are on rock turf right now. What could happen if someone sees me. I could say, I wasn't there for that, but the instructors would have to talk. I could say I didn't know. I could say I did know, but that it is legal here and for healing purposes only. But then, I think about it. Life is short. We need to take risks sometimes. We need to answer our callings. If we are too careful, then what. Life flies by. We die, and no-one remembers us. We don't find that element that we were seeking to be whole. Truly whole. So, live Anni. Take chances. Breathe. Heal. It will be ok.  I'm gratef...

I woke up and my back feels a little better. I slept a lot, 10 hours. I am less frustrated. I think it's getting better, let's see how long it takes. I have an appointment with the doctor at 9:30. At least it will give me piece of mind, I hope. I talked to Allison yesterday, she thought of me for her advisory group. Competent and has character or grit. Yeah, that's me. I hope I can help. I talked to Jean as well. She was happy other that. I am still on the fence on ayahuasca. I am not sure I want Justin to come. It worries me to be on a beach for 9 days, but I think that's what I truly need. I don't know. Justin has been bugging me lately. Going through that phase where I just want him as a friend. If he gets in to school that's what will be. It's time to make decisions, Anni. Commit. I bought the reformer. Next up, ayahuasca and Justin. We can do this. Make a decision and walk one more step forward. One step at a time.   I'm grateful for... - love - hop...

I dreamt that me, patty's and Marcela jumped off a cliff in the water and were bit by sharks. It was scary seeing the fins, we started swimming and then we one by one got out of the water and were patched up. I was the worst. Then, I was trying to figure out how to tell Matt that I had to cancel. He was in my dream so there is something there. I have been defensive lately, feisty, angry. I don't know why but I feel like I lost my kindness for a bit. My gentleness. My grace. I am regretting this apartment quite a bit. I think that will change once this office move is underway though. I think it's time I get a therapist, or try ayahuasca. I know there is something I need to uncover. I'm grateful for: - life although fragile - love - hope for healing - Justin - family  When you dream about a shark, it is an indicator that you are harboring the following feelings: ruthless, fierceness, hostility and anger. It is not uncommon to see a shark in a dream when you are going thro...