New Beginnings

I decided I would start the ride in Cuenca, 4 days. Let's see if I will be better by then. This is so unfair. But, at the same time I have to believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe I would have gotten hurt the first 2 days. Maybe I needed to rest. Maybe I am just meant to be here this weekend. So, just trust that. Trust the process. I can't help but think that the universe is trying to pull me away from riding. Or maybe trying to send me in a different direction. What is that direction? I want to do more that's not biking, and I will. I want to hike. I want to get stronger, and I am with pilates. I want to find a side business. I want a dog. Make this a priority. It will happen this year. Stop postponing. Go in that direction. I'm grateful for... - Awareness of what this could mean - Justin getting to see Jacob and Tadem - My health, and hope for recovering from this - My job and the team, Ann

I was talking to my therapist yesterday about the dilemma I have with this injury. More like the tragedy. At least that's how I see it. Catastrophizing... until now. Anyways, she took an interesting approach. She expanded my options. I didn't take any of them, but it made me think. Instead of this or that, why not look at other options too. So I wrote to Tito and then called him and he suggested starting in Cuenca. That's not a bad idea. I messed up by waiting too long to cancel my flight to Loja, but that's ok. It happens. Now, I might feel better by Tuesday. I think I will. Sunday was too soon, 6 days was too much. But, I think I can do four days. And starting from Cuenca feels less daunting. So, that's what I will do. I will get the ticket, take my bike. Go to fisio tomorrow and Saturday, and Monday. No more chiropractor that's for sure. Maybe I dodged a bullet by not going to him again.  I'm grateful for... - Life - Love - Options of still being able to ...

I'm angry. I won't be able to do the ride. I don't think I will. I don't think I can. I feel like I would be miserable, in pain, and worried. It's Tuesday, I will need to make a decision on Thursday. If I can't go I will rest. This might be an opportunity to start riding with Audax. I don't know. I guess these things happen. My therapist will have her hands full with this one. Decisions with health are easier to make for me. If I am in pain I just won't go. Period. Things like this didn't happen in Panama, at least not in the last couple years. Not sure what's going on. coli, back injury, mental health episode. Things aren't working out the way I want them to. But are they working out the way they should? Could this be a sign to push me to a different direction. I want to explore the mountains. I want to connect with people. Perhaps this is a hinder, or it's just what Ian says. Shit happens.So I need to accept it and move on. If I don...

I was in a lot of pain yesterday. I think the pilates made it worse. But, I am learning to deal with it. Worst case scenario isn't that bad. I skip the ride, I lose $300 plus flight. It's ok. I will be ok. I will heal and find something else. Go on another trip. I want to ride today, I want to enjoy the weather and be outside. I can't be stuck here. It will be easy. I got my period too. That's going well. Getting it regularly. I want to start figure out what is next for me career wise. I have 2.5 years and then maybe another year. The good thing is Trump won't be president if it is 3.5. Or at least he will be on his way out. Maybe there will be more opportunities then. I will keep an eye out. Maybe government won't be an option. Maybe I need to start training for something else. What could I do? Health coaching, coach, pilates instructor, live in a small town somewhere with a simple job. I need a plan. A soft plan.  I'm grateful for... - life  - my health de...

My breast muscle is hurting pretty bad. It's hard to breathe. Why is it that every time I get excited about a long ride, I have an injury to worry about. It doesn't seem fair. I am hoping it doesn't affect me on this ride. I am hoping it subsides. Grrr. Let's try not letting it get to us this time. Let's try just seeing how it will evolve. I can't do anything but give it time and not aggravate it. So that's what we will do. Trust I will heal. Trust it won't get worse. Just trust. I'm grateful for.. - getting my period today - getting to ride today - my health and hope for my breast to recover  - Justin

I ate a lot yesterday for dinner, more than normal. I had salmon, salad, vegetables, a few camote chips. That actually wasn't bad. Where I need to work harder is desert. I had dried fruit. Not terrible, but 2 figs would hav been enough. Anyways, I need the fuel for strength. I'm so glad that I don't feel like I have to restrict anymore, or afraid to gain weight. That was stressful. I hope Susi isn't going through that. I know she is. It's Friday. Thank goodness. It was a good week though. Made me realize that I should go visit volunteers more often, the week feels more productive. Less stagnant. Less boring. Less routine. Maybe that is the secret. Get out there. I'm grateful for.. - dreams with family - Justin  - my health 

I was still critical yesterday, not a lot but I noticed I was even telling Gio. That's not very good of me to do as a leader. I will stop. Be calm. Be kind. Don't be critical. A pattern.  Poppy was so critical, and even mommy started getting it from him. It's contagious. We don't want that kind of behavior on the team, so stop showing it. No more. Expect good intentions like Ann says. I am also feeling a little stuck. Like I need an ump. Something to get me going. I am on auto pilot. I had a dream that my bike was doing that thing it's done before in dreams. It doesn't advance, or just a little. So that's just it. I am stagnant and even my subconscious knows it. I need to be intentional about what I want. What do I want? A side project, to get trained and ready for FEMA application, to learn something new. To try mountaineering. Pick one. And dive into it, Anni. You have the time right now. Go for it. Move. Another pattern form poppy, don't fall into it....

I woke up with a bad headache, probably dehydrated. yesterday was a weird time picking up the PCVs. I was able to have a good morning though. Pilates, walk, massage, pedicure.  It was great. And then, I went to pick up the PCVs. For future reference...get there right before it lands. Not an hour earlier. There are some things we need to change. The process was exhausting. Starting when they got out of the airport, the luggage took forever to load. Fernanda wasn't there, or there but not helping. I worry about the hotel. It seems like it may be difficult. We will see. I will try to just observe this week, no judgement. No criticism. Just watch. And be stoic and professional, and speak later. don't criticize now, don't make them feel bad. I know this is a pattern. This is poppy, I can fight this. I can take a different approach. Calm and steady. Stoic. It was great talking to Romel about that yesterday, so cool that he is interested in that. We found a connection. I want to t...

 - Outstanding rating Peace Corps -  Knee feeling better  - My job that I get to keep for 2.5 more years - Patty, Marcela, and Mommy - Justin who really loves me - My financial situation  - My health  - Being able to go on trips  - Being able to bike  - Friends and getting to see Sonja and Matthias in May

Great ride yesterday, followed by lots of stomach pain. I thought I would have to go to the doctor, but it was just gas. Good to know when eating. The times I had eggs after a ride my stomach did so much better. I am noticing that I am not drinking enough. It's getting harder to go to the bathroom. Drink more water. I have been feeling pretty blah after rides lately. Like all I want to do is rest and watch Netflix. I am not sure why. I just can't get myself to move. Maybe because there isn't that much to do. What I really need is a project. A side gig. Or maybe a dog would help. If I had a dog maybe I would be motivated to walk or go tot the park. I am excited about that. In terms of a side gig, let's think about that. It could be a business for coaching, health and exercise. It could be for women that are starting from 0. I wonder when that coaching certification will come out again, and if I can apply. I think it's by state department. I'm grateful for... - li...

Justin shared 20 things that women like in men, he met almost every single one of them. It was interesting, it made me feel lucky. He does all the little things women love. Maybe I do have a gem after all. I wish I could just see it. Something is shifting in me with biking. I don't enjoy it as much. I am not as excited. I am not really there with work either.It can't be time for a change, I just got here. I think it's time to find something to sink my teeth into. Another business maybe. Something that gets me going. Maybe I should think more about that. Or, school. Maybe going to school or learning a technical skill. I want that. After Loja I will try to find something, something before the year goes by. Something to leave my mark on this year. I started this. Mountaineering, school, business. I'm grateful for... - life - my health - my ambition - Justin - Talking to Patty and Mommy yesterday

I woke up thinking about the LCFs and how I didn't go see them in the lunch room the other day. Next time I will. I am going to do better with that. I feel like I do, but I can take the time more often. In terms of One Team, I want to learn more. And maybe even teach it one day. I feel like I am good at it. Maybe too relaxed at times, but good at it. The things is I am me now. I am not going to continue to try and change.< This is my style. I have another year and then I will start looking. Not sure where, but I will find something. It scares me to think about not having this job. Maybe I can find something overseas again, with government. Probably not as exciting or interesting, but who knows. I need 7 or 8 years and then I can always come back. Enjoy this while I can. I will look back and ask if I did. So enjoy it. Go see Volunteers, enjoy your time with them, with staff. Make the most of it. Enjoy the downhill while it lasts. I'm grateful for... - productive week - my hea...

I'm getting bored at work. Even in a different country, it's the same. I do enjoy the staff part. I think I would be a good country director for OTI or similar. managing a team, getting results. That's what I am good at. This fluffy stuff with Volunteers is getting old. I think I want to start looking. I can always come back. I had my session with Liz yesterday. It wasn't that great. She is good, but the issue is that I don't have any issues right now. I think she would be helpful if I did. What we did uncover is that maybe I don't like last minute changes because poppy always created abrupt changes in our lives. Moving, rash decisions. He was a runner. He was also indecisive and changed his mind a lot. I do that, commit impulsively and then back out. Patterns. I guess being aware that it comes from him and nowhere else is helpful. Liz said she was a pattern seeker. I wonder what other patterns we will find. Right now I want to be less isolated, Get out there mo...

I had a weird dream. Susi was leading us, and we were escaping. The first night we stayed at someone else's house when they weren't there. I was watching something on TV that was good. And then in the morning, there were a bunch of people who were living there so they didn't get that we weren't supposed to be there maybe. I couldn't believe Susi was so bold to do that, but there we were. Then, I kept running with Marcela, we separated and I ended up in a hotel where I needed to sneak into a room. During all this time, Poppy and Mommy and Carlos and Jason I think were at the beach. It's almost like we were escaping from them. Susi got on the phone with them and Jason was screaming. We were escaping from them. I. think this brings to light what Susi has been going through. Always cheating or stealing or finding a way to support her family. Just like poppy did. She was so comfortable, I wasn't. It's almost like I had to raise myself to be good. To be honest...

I woke up today and decided not to do Nayon. I prefer to do the trainer today. I am not in a hurry, and Nayon still scares me. Not to mention it is so hard. I probably should start going to meet people, but not today. Maybe next week. I also feel weird riding in the dark alone, but that will change. It's dangerous here. I need to be careful. But, the trainer will work for now. I am more motivated, which is good. My knee still bothers me, but I am seeing a physiotherapist starting this week. Everything is ok, I am not worried about anything at the moment. I hope it stays this way for a while. Work is good, me and Justin are in a good place, I feel close to my friends. I am comfortable right now, which is a good thing. It's ok to be comfortable. Nurture this moment. I'm grateful for.. - life - my health - my job - my friends

I had another good day yesterday. Work was productive. I put in the proposal for the new office. If that get's approved that would be so cool. I would end up being so close to work. I could do three more years being this close. I am excited about that. I am also feeling closer to Justin. It's weird how that happens. Maybe it's all the support he's been giving me. The love I feel for him and from him. He's just such a good guy. And, it's working so why not. Nothing changes. He's there, I'm here. Let's see what happens with flight school. If he gets in, maybe it could work. And if I happen to meet someone else, we will address that then. Right now, I am happy with this arrangement. Nothing changes. I have my space, and my life and him. I wonder if our relationship would be this healthy if we lived in the same place, or together.  I'm grateful for... - My new therapist - Justin - Family - My health 

I had a good day off yesterday, good mix of self care and being productive. Chiro, bike ride with Titos, calls with Sonja and Mercedes, TV, meditation, baths, pilates, boots. I have a pretty good life. Elizabeth was saying how we all need a balance of stimulation and comfort. For me, I think needs to be pretty closely balanced, 60/40. And when my life and my work is boring, that's when I fall. What I can do is make my personal life more exciting. I did this in DC when I joined the randouners, that helped me get out of my rut. I thought it was these short-term assignments to other countries, but it wasn't. It was staying out and making life more exciting. So, I called Lenin yesterday and I will join his group for some hikes. I think it will be fun and exciting. Biking is too, but also taxing these days. Loja will be different.  I'm grateful for.. - Justin - My day off yesterday   - The weekend  - My health

I had a session with Elizabeth yesterday. It was good. I learned that I am not broken. I actually did believe that I was. I did. I wasn't sad about it, I almost just accepted it. But, I am not. I am just me. And, life is hard. Really hard sometimes. And, I think I have been through more stress with no support than I thought. The transition, new team, letting go of Panama and that regret, no biking, no team, meeting my new team, the power outages, the altitude, getting sick, getting injured. Yeah, I think that qualifies. Things are better now. I am getting used to Quito. My place, the team, cycling team. She mentioned that everyone needs both, stimulation and comfort. I need both, I know I do. But, right now I am craving a challenge. I think that mountaineering may be a ticket there.  I'm grateful for... - seeing a therapist again  - family - my health - having the day off today

I'm bored at work. I had it in Panama, and now here which I thought would change with a new country. It's time for a change in jobs. Soon. I am not bored in life though, in terms of hobbies anyways. I am going to dive into mountaineering, And I am part of the cycling club now. I have plenty flexibility at work, and can take lots of time off including 2 R&Rs this year. I can't imagine switching jobs now, being busy again at work. Maybe it's not work. Maybe I just need to dive into something head first. The mountains is one idea, or starting a company or similar. I can see myself having a side project, just don't know what it could be. What could it be? Health related, real estate...something new.  I'm grateful for... - friends and family - work being fun and easy - my health  - Justin talking to Jacob yesterday

I chickened out this morning. Yes, I did. But for good reason. I decided not to go meet them in the dark to ride. I still don't feel comfortable yet. I will look at my bike lights and maybe buy some new ones. Now I know that all I need to do is get there, and then it gets light at 6. I will do the trainer this morning instead, and my boots or pilates. It feels good to be in bed but I do need to start moving again. I will get there. This Benin hiking guy sounds interesting. I think I can see myself getting into this. Mountaineering. I just need the right gear. I will reach out to him today. I still have the Susi thing on my mind. She's not wrong, the family has fallen apart a little. But, Nito is to blame for most of it. He has made us not want to be together. And, mommy enabling him doesn't help. Susi is now distancing herself too. So, I need to stay close to Marcela and Patty. We need to be a team. Hopefully Susi will come around. I didn't go today, and I didn't go...

I am feeling closer to Justin. It's interesting how that works. H realizes he needs to make money too, so that helps. If he goes to pilot school maybe it could work. Like Ian said, I like them at arms length. I wonder why? I wonder if I would have ever been able to live with someone. I lasted with Peter, and that could have been different if we loved each other, and had done the work. We needed a lot of work. I miss him as a friend. I miss his company. It is strange that I can't see him. Makes me sad. But, I understand. If I googled me I would be intimidated too. I have issues, maybe with commitment, maybe with body image. But, you know what. Who cares. That's me. And, I want to stop fighting it. Stop trying so hard to find solutions. Just be. Just be me. I have made it this far. I am coping. I can live now.  I'm grateful for... - Justin - My health and being able to climb that mountain yesterday  - My job and the time off I had  - The benefits and comfort I get for liv...

I have been back on prozac for 10 days, and I feel much better. It was almost instant. Of course, feelings of why I felt so bad haunt me. What is it that makes me act like that. Something is haunting me. Something haunted poppy. Maybe something with the family past. What I do know is that I can keep exploring that while on this. I am only on 20mg. That is nothing. So, I will continue to do this and also do other things to heal. Therapy. Meditation. Jean says she has been on it for decades, and look how far she has come. She is a smart, independent woman too. It's ok. I prefer this than suffering. Than seeking solutions that aren't good for me. This break has been quite the roller coaster. I am glad it happened now and not at work. I am more ready for work now. Ready to step in and be excited. Ready for what this year will bring. Pilates, work, Audax, bike adventures, climbing mountains, exploring spiritually. Stay excited. Stay engaged. Stay healthy, Stay open. Keep moving.  I ...

Susi is mad at us. I told her she looks unhealthy skinny that's all. She is upset and angry mommy said. I could have said it differently maybe, but I don't regret it. I just don't. I had to say something and she knows she's not eating enough. She knows. Just like I have known before. Just like we all know when we are choosing to look at weight management as a game. A game that gives us sense of control when we think we are winning, but actually losing. She is 50, and has a sense of pride because she's so think, finally. That makes me sad. I think this helped me in my healing journey in a sense. I am much more conscious of my health. Aging strong. I am 44, almost 45. I want to age strong and build muscle and need to get some control over calcium and vitamin D. That starts today by the way. I had a good trip, and I bonded with mommy again which is what I wanted to do. I know with Susi it will be a relationship of once a year when we talk or see each other. It is just ...

I'm back in Quito. It was a whirling, and I have getting off meds to blame for it. Maybe it was a good thing. I had a good trip home. I spent time with Patty and Lorena and Ryan. I enjoyed my time with mommy, went to the pier, and lunch and dinner at salt rock, and we went to the Dali museum. We hung out every day. It was nice. I spent time with Marcela and the family. I saw Susi and the girls. I told Susi what I needed to tell her. Hopefully she doesn't get sick.  I feel better now that I saw them. I think I will be more excited to go back again, maybe for an event. I will see Marcela in Mallorca in May hopefully. That will be nice. I have a lot to look forward to this year. Getting a dog, cycling with Audax and Titos, embracing the team and site visits, seeing Liz as my new therapist, climbing all 3-4 summits. I think I will give the shaman and ayahuasca thing a break. I don't need it right now.  I want to figure something out with mommy. How to see her or have her come h...