New Beginnings

Kat got back to me. She said to go to the mountains, somewhere close to the city where I can go as a ritual. Metropolitana maybe. She says I have a looming mountain of fear and the unknown is driving my obsessions, like biking. There could be some truth to that. Bike to not deal with something, not sure what though. That doing creates the blocks for me, and that I am running or literally peddling away from it. I know that I am scared of something, maybe it is just coming from homie, and mommy, and tia nana. Maybe I'm running from that. Im scared to get close to Justin. Im scared to not have certainty and structure. It's easier when I do. Much easier.  I'm grateful for... - Kat's insights - My job - My health - Friends and family

They are cutting staff at HQ. That's the decision, so far. That means I am safe. At least for now. Two more years, maybe three. I will plan for 2 unless they lift the Farr Castle Act, which I really hope they do. It is still weighing on me though. I wonder if PC will change. It has to, or maybe they won't cut that many staff, Who knows. I hope we find out soon. Because really that's all I am worried about. My job. I know it's terrible, but that is what this has turned into. And I worry that now, for a while, it will be like hunger games for any open position. Even mine. If I lost my job, I would have to go back to school or something. The competition sounds exhausting. But, you know what this means for me. Hunger games for my life. Me against me. Take advantage of this Jon, of my time here. Explore. Use my weekends. Meet people. Get close to people. Live. Date. Decide what to do with Justin. Make the most of these years. Because you are lucky to be here.  I'm gratef...

I went to a cocoa ceremony at the the temple in Tumbaco yesterday. Almost fainted. It was intense. I didn't finish the cacao. I felt an energy. I saw me as a kid. First running, then angry and fighting, and finally me holding her hand and laying in bed with her. It felt special. Something that popped in my mind was trauma. Helping people with trauma. I remember something woke up inside me when that volunteer mentioned she was going to school for that. I wonder if there is something there I need to pursue. A program perhaps, like I wanted to do with the refugees. Or another career. A trauma social worker. I am so angry at poppy right now. I wonder if it has to do with what happened as a kid. Or just everything. How I am now, avoidant. But, the thing is I am different and I need to embrace that. Break the cycle of my family lineage. All the women were abused. Grandma maybe, Omie, Mommy. I refused to be that way. Marcela, Susi. I chose to be different. I am choosing to be different. I...

I talked to Justin about attachment styles yesterday. He is so secure. Makes me want to get back together with him. I need a secure partner. I really do. He is good for me. I am avoidant, but a close second is secure so that is good. I have been anxious before, with John. He was avoidant. He made me feel anxious, insecure. Peter did the same. He was avoidant. Sean was secure, and I ran. I would have been happy with him, maybe. Maybe even had kids. I wouldn't have this life though, that's for sure. I just saw pictures of him on Facebook. he looks good for 56. Anyways, that ship sailed and he seems happy. Justin doesn't take pictures. Ever. Insecure maybe.  I'm grateful for... - learning bout my attachment style - life  - my health - my job  - friends and family 

I had a dream Steven and I were kind of together, flirting really. Then I had a dream we were all together as a family and we were going to fly somewhere but then it kept getting late, and mommy said we were broke because of some bill that wasn't paid. Poppy was passive again. My eyes were burning so bad. I couldn't see. Gosh I must be more nervous than I think about Peace Corps cuts. Either that or the ned to address unresolved issues. I will talk to Elizabeth about that. I have been more angry lately with poppy, and I have also been remembering more. Clearer memories of when we were little. Maybe what needs to surface will surface.  I'm grateful for... - Still having a job and no word from DOGE yet - My health and coming out of the weekend unscathed  - Enjoying a weekend of beauty and biking, and disconnecting  - Life and getting to live - Family and friends Dreaming about burning eyes  can be associated with emotional intensity, potential fears, or even past exper...

I had a dream that I was so mad. I was mad because I gave a woman 20 dollars, 2 ten dollar bills and watched her put it away to give me change later. It was for breakfast that included bread actually which I never eat. Then, when I went back to get the change she couldn't find it. I was so mad at her. I yelled and mommy was there. She was just standing by, not saying much. Then said something like it's ok to give people more sometimes. She was quiet like she was with poppy. I wonder if I have that on my mind. I don't feel like I have forgiven him yet. I feel like it's because of him I can't be with anyone. Or worse, that I attract men like him. Then, we were in a building and we heard a gun. I looked out the window and there was someone with a gun. We agreed to give them chickens instead of letting them kill them. And finally, we were waiting for a taxi at Walmart and someone stole our car. So weird, I woke in a bad mood, obviously. And I think I probably yelled in ...

I had a dream Susi, Marcela, and Patty did Ayahuasca. I was against it. It was against the rules for wherever we were. I keep thinking about that, if it is something I should try. But then I go back to the reasons I didn't want to. I was scared. Maybe that's it. It scares me. That part could be there, the part that scares me. What Kat said. I should try again. Maybe not with Vikara though. Let's see what happens with Peace Corps first. If I don't hear anything next week I can plan, because if we don't hear anything soon maybe we did come out unscathed. I am so wanting to know soon. we are in April. Only 5 months before September, when the new fiscal year comes. The sooner the better so at least if we get cut, I can use some paid time to find another job and come up with a plan B.  I'm grateful for... - Justin - Family  - Friends - Getting to go away for the weekend  - My job 

I saw an article yesterday in the news about a memo on state department from Trump. It's very clear, the writing is on the wall. We won't survive if that gets implemented. Or maybe we get slashed by 50%. It made me think that maybe I should be nervous. Howard would tell me to stay calm. I am not calm. I am worried. But, am I really? I could use a break as weird as that sounds. I don't know. Part of me just wants to be done and do something else. Another part wants the PCSSO position. Another part wants to finish my 2 years here and try something new. Let's see what destiny wants.  I'm grateful for... - My job - My health - Having another bike trip to look forward to - A day off yesterday and Thursday - Family and friends

I slept until almost 7 today, 9 hours. I needed it. I was tired. My body was tired. It's been a tough week. I am excited to rest again today, and telework tomorrow. I am also excited to start looking for jobs again, or thinking about it. I feel bad about being vulnerable about taking things personally at the senior retreat. I think it's because I don't feel like that's what a leader should do. Or say. But, you know what? I am human. And, I am glad that I did. It's important to feel and say. This team is tough and I don't care as much anymore. I am going to tell them what my objective is. I am going to tell them what my expectations are. Poppy did this. He got angry and went flight mode every time something didn't go right. I am not going to do that. I did watch him though, with awe. I wanted him to like me, I wanted him to accept me. He hit me though. A lot. And, yet I still kept coming back. No wonder I keep going back to men. Even though they aren't ri...

I had a dream with poppy, just at the very end. I was trying to find Marcelas house with nito and patty. Patty was being too relaxed. I needed to stop at government building but couldn't find it on google maps, so I kept going to marcela's. Poppy was there and when I kissed him he said we were an hour late. It reminded me when I woke up that this is how it was, all the time. Tip toeing around him. Being disappointed. Feeling like I did something wrong. I remember when we brought over 2 bottles of th wine poppy liked, La Crema, He had visitors and was upset that me and Sean came over. Tio Vitoco was there. Poppy got mellow and depressed when he stopped drinking. The drinking woke him up. He was so angry. I am so hard on myself, of course I am. Even now, I can't be content. He was never content. Break the cycle, Anni. I am content. I have everything I want and need. I have my health, my family, financial stability. I have it all right now. What's missing? I think it's...

I had dinner with Art last night. I was nervous at first, but then it was fine. I am always nervous at first when out of my comfort szone. Maybe this is what Kat meant. Maybe I need to keep getting out of my comfort zone. Anyways, it was fancy and I enjoyed it. The wine was amazing. I took a few things from that meeting: - Follow the trends  - Don't stay past your extension (2 years in July) - Relief Web - Articles he sent are telling about USAID/State next steps - A smile isn't always a smile, an asshole is always an asshole - Even the highest of them all can be lonely, and humble, and mad - Do an FIS in person training  - Don't take the PCSSO job So, I need a plan. A 2 year plan. Easy. See as much of Ecuador as I can. Do all the cycling events. Do my list. Do more on weekends. Go to Galapagos. Go visit Volunteers. I got this. Take my home leave. Network. Professional Development. Then, in January I will have a year and some. The climate would have settled by then. I will ...

I went to the gravel ride with Felipe and the team to do the second part of gravel fest. It was fun, such an adventure. It rained almost the whole time, but I wasn't cold. Well, not until the very end and then I was shivering. It was nice to be with a small group that waited for each other and made jokes, and were having fun on the bike. It reminded me of Patagonia, or even Japan. Here is the thing though. It made me feel like I am over those adventures with companies, for several weeks. I am also over the goals of ultra cycling. I am just as happy doing a normal ride, and occasional long one, at a nice pace, and then going home and spending time on other things. I don't need to prove myself anymore. I don't need to obsess. I just need to live, and use that time for other things. Or make space for other things. I decided I won't do all three days of gravel fest, just one and maybe 2. The first and last. That's all. I will sleep in my own bed in between. Or do someth...

Kat got back to me. It was daunting in a way. Here is what she wrote; "In plain English what came in was t hat there is some bigger plan for you. One that's out of your comfort zone, so there is a lot of fear around it. The men, who never seem to be right for you, are a distraction. Not that there is not a right man, but maybe he comes when you are actually going after your destiny part. The obsession with biking, etc. is another distraction. Like the men. And what feels like urgency around these issues won't go away till you start working towards this other part. It's challenging but it's what you're here for and it's where you'll find the "gold". And once you figure out what it is you'll be unstoppable in realizing it. And this time too, your aunt popped in."  I am not sure what to do with this. I know what not to do. Obsess about men and biking. Maybe just go with my intuition for a while. Don't do what I think I have to. do wh...

I had a better night last night. Calmer. I think I smiled at one point. Jenny is having such a hard time. She is going to get divorced. I can just see it. Either that or suffer for years. It's sad. I know he was never right for her, but this I didn't expect. Devastating for her. So many couples just crumbling. Mercedes and Carlos too. Its Friday. Be proud of the week. Stay present. Stay focused on building relationships. Throw yourself out there so they say. I'm thankful for... - my health - my job - family and friends - relationship with Ambassador 

I had a dream that I ended up in some other guys apartment and laid on the couch naked. He came in and was nice enough to try and help me. But, I left. And then Marcela and other people like Celina and Isa were there. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. I talked to Peter about dating yesterday. How maybe if I put myself out there I would find someone. Go to events. I signed up for Internations, but didn't see much. I have to try to find some others. Maybe a spirituality. Maybe, all along, this has been the missing piece. The void.  I'm grateful for... - love - family and friends - a successful swearing in ceremony yesterday - my job

I had a dream last night, must have been really bad because I woke up several times, 4 to be exact. I woke myself up screaming all for times in a row. It was exhausting. Someone was after me. Ghosts. Deamons. I do feel sometimes like someone is after me, haunting me. Maybe because I have unresolved issues or because I feel damaged. I should talk to Jean about this. I can break away, though. I can push myself to get out and explore. Throw yourself out there is what Kat said. I can do that. I keep thinking about what's next, but I still have 2 years, maybe 3. That's a lot. A lot to meet people, enjoy life, and then later figure it out. And when I do, I want one home. With all my stuff. A little yard. A dog. A place to ride with groups. A home. A community. I'm grateful for... - My job - Family - My health 

It's 7, I woke up late today. I think I'm sick, I'm sure it was the hike that did it. I had a dream with poppy. We were in his house, for some volunteer thing. We were hosting, poppy place and he was staying in a room. Patty was sleeping when a fight broke loose. Everybody was running, it was scary. As if it was something else like a shooting. I heard Liv talking to Ana about making sure they cover their backs in case they get dinged on damages and poppy got one of the messages. He was soft, curious, mellow. He is like that in all of my dreams. Passive. I wonder why that is. I probably have unresolved issues with him. Like that he cheated on mommy, the money that he sent to Chile,  how he treated mommy. All of it. How mommy didn't do anything and that's maybe why I can't be in a healthy relationship. But, I will fight that pattern. I will find someone. I won't look for it though. I just need to live my life. Throw myself out there. Try new things, and it wil...