New Beginnings

I had such a weird dream. Marcela was mad at me. It was a work setting, though. The team didn't like me. I feel that way now. Like I need to earn their respect again, their trust. It's frustrating. I don't care as much this time though. I cared in Panama. I don't care here. I hope I find something else soon. If I get extended, I will look for another job soon anyways or keep my eyes out for something that doesn't time out in Peace Corps. That would be ideal. Let's hope something turns up. If it's for me, it will. Tomorrow is 2026. Time to write goals for next year.  I'm grateful for.. - Life - Love - Justin  - Family  - Adventure - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally 

I did it. Cotoaxi. It was better than I thought. I love challenges that seem bigger than me. I really do. I felt strong. I wasn't as cold as I expected, just my hands but the gloves helped. I am not sure I will do more, but I can say that I am proud of myself. It was an adventure. Something different. And a way to disconnect from Xmas. Now I know. Go away for xmas. Disconnect. Go on an adventure. Because we have to pack it in. Keep packing it in. Keep showing yourself you are more capable than you think. Pack it in. Do more. Put yourself out there. Just like Kat said.  I'm grateful for... - Family - My strength - My health physically, emotionally, and mentally  - A great year of 2025

I had a dream yesterday that Poppy was meeting Justin with the family. Patty was disappointed when she saw me with him. I gave him a massage and hurt him somehow. So much that he had to take his clothes off and was naked when poppy met him. So weird. I am talking to Justin again, a lot lately. Mostly because of his mom and this trip. He's comforting. I wonder if the dream was warning me. Don't hurt him again. Stop hurting him. Or, is it that I am hurting myself. I don't know why I can't just give in. Surrender to love. Even if I did he wouldn't come around. He said it himself. He can't love me like that anymore. He can't get close to me. So, get that out of your mind, Anni. Friends. That's it. It has to be it.  I went to the doctor yesterday and I'm fine. It's just dryness in the air and probably a virus like I had in Chile. The combination of the two. I was cleared. So, here we go Cotopaxi. I don't need to do Chimborazo. Let's see if I l...

I had a disturbing night. Poppy was so mad at me in my dream. We were all on a boat. Everyone but Patty, she stayed at home. We were in a big house and mommy and poppy owned a restaurant. We were on the boat and I said something that made him mad. He go furious and I said, "fine I 'll just go home." He said go. So I jumped off the boat and swam to Manchester. And then from there was getting a bus to the airport. Manchester must be from Sonja and Matthias. Then, I went to the house or restaurant and Patty was there. I told her what happened and she tried to get me to stay. I left, but was hesitant hoping someone would stop me. Finally they sent someone in a gulf cart to tell me to come back, so I did but wasn't sure if it was poppy. Mommy was in the background as she always was growing up. Agreed with poppy in a quiet way. So, then I went back inside but didn't really feel welcome. I sat down with someone else and poppy and he didn't even look at me. He didn...

Ok so I didn't go to the xmas party with Titos. I lied actually and said I had a work trip. I think it Wass the ride that caused these asthma symptoms. I was tired, and I wanted to see Edwinn, which in the end didn't happen because he canceled. Oh well. I went to bed early which was important. I talked to Justin, felt like old times. I can do that now because of his mom. I hope it's not serious. I ruminated over this trip. Like I always do. I want to go, I really do. But, I am nervous and now I have this chest issue. I wonder if I can manage it instead of backing out. Only a doctor can tell me this. Maybe I'll call the embassy doctor to see what she thinks. The alternative doesn't look too great though. I would stay here. Maybe go on a road trip. Rest, watch Netflix, maybe do some activities here, ride. I would be bored. I will all today and see if I can switch to the just Cotopaxi hike. I hope she says yes. way more doable and less days. I can manage that with this...

I had a great time in Panama, this time. It was different with Somja and Matthias. Connection. It's always about connection. Always. We stayed together, which was nice. I got to ride, which was even better. Had nice meals, went to casco, Gamboa twice, saw Mercedes, Carlos and Benjamin and Edgar and Fernando. Had some down time on the couch and by pool. I needed it, and 2 full ays was perfect. I didn't need more. I am proud of myself for going. It made our relationship stronger and I committed to it. That's what I want to keep doing. Doing what I commit to. Remember I committed for a reason. So keep committing. That simple. Keep saying yes. Next up...holiday party with Titos. I committed. I'm going.  I'm grateful for... - Hope for healing of anal fissure - Getting to spend time with Sonja and Matthias in Panama - My job and allowing me to go on adventures - Family - My health physically, emotionally, and mentally

Today I go to Panama, but first I am doing a ride with her to Nayon and then will swing by her birthday. Connections are important. So I will keep connecting. This is my year to connect. And I am doing great. I talked to Justin last night. He's taking the place of Peter. A friend who talks me off the ledge. Like I do with Patty. He's a friend now. He always was really. I decided I won't do the race and just ride on my own tomorrow. Makes sense since I am still recovering. I like that idea better. Do a few loops, come back and hang with Sonja. Much better idea.  I'm grateful for... - Getting to see Sonja today - Getting to go to Panama - My life - My health physically, emotionally, and mentally 

Here we go. Going to Panama. I pulled the trigger. Done. Still not sure how to handle the party, and Sonja and the ride Sunday but I will figure it out. Today, like I told Elizabeth. Sort it out today. Communicate today. I will just tell them I am taking a later flight, go to Josune when I get there and wait for Sonja. Have a nice night with her. Ride in the morning and find some time for Mercedes and Carlos after. Done. Hopefully.  I talked to Elizabeth yesterday, it's been a while. A month. She helped me talk through  the Panama dilemma and running when things get tough. Poppy was like that. She also helped me talk through feeling guilty and responsible about mommy. I will try to call her today. I am so frustrated with this situation. Like Patty said, it's not fair. None of it is. Her situation. Nito's situation, and how it falls on us. Hard. I'm so mad, sad, and frustrated at the same time. Her alone is one thing. But Nito will be so hard to manage. And it's not ...

I am definitely sick, a cold maybe. Had a hard time sleeping last night. I had muscle spasms. I need to drink more electrolytes today. Makes sense, after the ride and throwing up. My body is reacting. Today I have yoga and a 35 minute walk. I might do the yoga now and walk after work. Or maybe walk now and gym after work. I think I might go to Panama. I need to see Sonja and Matthias. It's important. They are important to me. As for Mercedes and Carlos, not Sure how I will fit that in but I'll try. Maybe I can stop by that party for a bit, and see them again before I go. Not sure. what I do know is that I don't want to be stressed out trying to manage both. Maybe I can ask Sonja what her plans are with her other friends. I can't run this time. I always do this. I would cancel to not deal with the stress. Instead, I should see it as a positive thing. Friends that want to see me. Maybe I could ask Sonja what her plans are and see when I can fit them in. Just don't run...

I've canceled my flight to Panama twice. I don't feel good at all. I had the intention, but I just don't think I can go. I'm exhausted, and sick. I can see what the doctor says today. Another factor is the trip to volcanos. I don't want to ruin my chances of doing well when by going to the coast again. Either way, it should be fine. In hindsight I wouldn't have signed up for the volcanos. But, I did and I am packing it in as they say. I don't really want to go to Panama, though. I have been there three times now since being in Ecuador. It's boring. Not sure. If I do what's right for me, I won't go. It could be nice though. Let's see what the doctor says and go from there.  I'm grateful for... - The bike trip we went on still  - Getting through the night with a bad stomach - Rest - My health, physically, mentally, and emotionally

I did it. We did it. All four of us. Quito to Vilcabamba. We made it. All safe and healthy. I had some issues with my lungs and knees and back, but I'm ok. I really enjoyed it too. The pace was perfect, the stops were fun, and they were great company. The weather was incredible with the full super moon, the sun the whole way and no rain. I didn't suffer at all with weather which is what I was afraid of. We killed it. Four days, 718km, 12,000 m of elevation. One of the most challenging rides I've done, but also one of the most enjoyable. The best part is I really disconnected. I didn't think about work. At all. No social media. Just riding, good views, and good company. A real adventure. I need to keep doing those. Next up Panama, and then Volcanos. Here we go. I'm grateful for... - having a safe trip and bonding with new friends - my health physically, mentally, and emotionally - feeling poppy with me on the ride - being around people who get it - pushing myself des...

I talked to Peter yesterday. It was hard this time. I think because he talked about Mary in a nicer way. He said she's solid. He loves her, I can tell. I want that, that's why It made me sad. But, it's ok, I will get there. I will find him. He will find me. It will happen. The right man will step into my life. Probably when I go back to the US, but he will come in. I know he will. Peter mentioned that they tried IVF and failed. I hate to say this, but I hope they fail if they try again. I know it's cruel, but I could have had kids. Peter was my 30s. The time to have them. I don't even think we talked about it. We were too focused on ourselves. Not on each other. Not on us. Not on that. He doesn't deserve to have a child just like I didn't have one. I know this is so cruel, but It's how I feel. He hurt me. I am still not over it, either. Apparently. I don't think I want to talk to him anymore. He's not a friend if we can't even see each other....

To go or not to go, that is the question. I could back out now. Today. Blame it on the bike. Or work. I could blame it on work. But, then I think about what that podcast said on Mel. Don't make any decisions you know you will regret later. Sure, it's not safe, but many women bike on their own. hat could happen is that something minor happens like bike issues or my knee hurts. And that's ok because I can go to Cuenca and drive or fly back. No problem. I can try and see what happens. They aren't the strongest either. So, good one's to go with. It is an adventure. An opportunity. I have Friday off anyways, so just 2 days off of work. Now let's see what happens with the bikes. That will be a sign. Either to use the lite speed or to not go if both are not usable. It's need to get excited once I hear about the bikes though. I need to get pumped, mentally prepared. Ready physically and mentally. I need to get in the game so I know what's coming. It won't be...