New Beginnings

I found out yesterday that I will get extended, word of mouth but I believe it. So, I can bank on 2.5 more years. That's a good thing. Gives m more time. I also heard I might be asked to go to Mexico. I like the idea that they thought of me, seeing a new country, and helping a team, but I do like it here. I have friends finally and I am not done exploring. Let's see if they ask me.  Jenny and Andrea are coming next week. I am starting to get anxious about them being here so long. Similar to when Justin would come. It will be fine, but 10 days seems like a lot. I will create my own space though, I'll bike when I can. Ten days straight is a lot when we are together all the time. Andrea annoys me sometimes. Maybe this time will be different. If I can't do 10 days with my friends something is wrong with me. This is a good thing because I can get used to being around people. I didn't realize it wa sho much time until it got close.  I'm grateful for... - Life - My hea...

I had the weirdest dream. There was a 13km swim through caves and we had to keep our heads down because there were officers lines up on top of us. Probably me thinking of Ice. Anyways, I kept getting lost. Someone I was with put on flippers and I couldn't keep up. It was hard and felt punitive, but also a race or event. I also had to catch a flight after and was worried I would be late. I ended up in the beginning again some how and some guy helped me get back to 10k. I found out later he was the winner of previous years. Last thing that happened before I woke up was that we went in again at 11k I think. Water represents emotions. I was in an event, feeling good, then I got turned around and had a set back. I think this all has to do with not knowing if I'm extending or what I will do after Peace Corps. I hate worrying about it. I wonder if it's worth it. Maybe just jump. Leave. Find something else. I will start looking. Start interviewing. I don't want to live like thi...

Yesterday was good. I was starting a ride on my own and Erika Saa invited me to join her group. I went and it was a good ride. Easy pace, long, and the two others were nice. I got to know her too which was cool. One more person in the cycling community. I connected too. That's what I need. at least one connection every weekend day. Then I went to the cafe in Eco Park with Christian. No connection really. He was nice, and it was nice to connect. But, when he started talking about filters and AI bumble strategies I got insecure. No thank you. Either way I got home at almost 4 and it felt to get out and connect. I had some down time, but not too much. I am feeling good. I am hoping for a good week ahead.  I did a complete 360 on the nursing school idea. Patty talked me out of it in less than 2 minutes. I am so easily swayed. She said it was below me, which I was also afraid of but that's just the ego talking. I think I would like it actually. Not sure about the school part, but it...

I had a dream I was sick. I also lost my pants so there's that, I think it's because Ive had this constant gas for a couple days, yesterday was really bad. I wonder if it has to do with eating those vitamin gummies. Probably not a good idea, forgot they were actual vitamins. Anyways, that stops today. No more fructose. Full stop. I was getting addicted. But, the stomach issues is a good motive. Back to AG1. Take your vitamins, D- Calcium- Fish Oil. Starting today,  I'M GRATEFUL FOR... - Life - My health physically, emotionally, and mentally - Feeling ok with out Justin

I'm doing well. I feel good. I had my therapist appointment yesterday with Elizabeth. She heard me about the hole I told her I have. And that men just dill it. She said it could be that, or it could be that the wrong men are coming into my life. That they don't fit the hole correctly. I think that could be true too, and I don't let those men in because I'm busy with the wrong men. I haven't thought about Justin very much. Here and there, but I don't miss him. I hold on to him not waning anything further. Screw that. I had a good friend for three years. That's enough. That's what life is about too. They come and go. People come and go. It's part of life. I know that well. And sometimes they reappear, like Kim did. Like Emma Kate did. Temporarily. Maybe he will too one day. Maybe they all will. But, they all taught me something. Justin taught me how special I am. He taught me how to be connected. He taught me how to let go of this pattern. I could have...

I drove a massive truck with stick and didn't hit anyone this time. I don't lose my breaks. I turned it around and parked it right where I supposed to, for the friends cast that is. Of course my dream had to have a weird dream with Jennifer Anniston. But, the main point is that I was in control. I have control of life decisions, where I am going, and most importantly letting Justin go. Finally. I've been thinking more about going to nursing school. I think I might go for it. I could do school for a year, nursing for 7, and go back to being Country Director or even PCMO, or PCSSO. Who knows. I would have the medical background. I could do EMT while I'm in school. too demanding perhaps.  I'm grateful for... - Life - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally

I'm in a good place. It's January and so far I feel like I am starting out the year on a good note. I feel closer to Fer and Chris, and  others n the bike community. I am doing alright with work, and Kavita says I should be extending even though I won't find out for a while. I let Justin go finally. It wasn't easy but there it is. It's final. Lorena says I'm her person. I just did blood tests and they seem to be ok. I feel strong and doing weights even though I don't like it. Andrea wants to do Alpi 4000 so that's my goal for this year. All good things. I am missing the spiritual part, but I will get there. I want to explore the mountains more. I will. More hikes. Want what you have, Anni. You are good.  I'm grateful for... - Life - Being in a good place right now - The strength to let Justin go - My health physically, emotionally, and mentally 

  Realization that I fall into these unhealthy patterns with men because I am trying to use them to fill a hole, and I don’t actually love them or want to be with them, but I don’t want to let them go even though I don’t want to be with them because they will that hole. Justin filled that hole emotionally, which is why it worked better when we’re apart.And that’s why we took it too far, too much communication. I wasn’t protecting myself. I was trying to fill the hole. He was a distraction. I thought it was that he wasn’t attractive. Now I need to learn how to heal the hole and bring in men who help heal the hole, not fill it. What do other people do I can’t be the only one that has this hole and I know others must have husbands?I think I figured it out. But, I can’t be single forever. I need to heal this hole. Or identify the pattern.  Thank you, Justin. San Pedro?

What a weird dream. Everyone was mad at me. Erubey, staff, Gio. Probably because I haven't been so kind lately at work. Patty got a lot of money, 500 at work. I wonder what that means. I didn't want to travel 7 hours to the Darien to visit a Volunteer. John and Ann were ok with it, I didn't want to go, but I went. I think that is clearly how much I am resisting work. I'm not engaged. I'm not in it. Kat said to travel and visit Volunteers. I should do that more. Maybe make a goal for myself, once a month. I can do that. I should do that. And I can include conferences. January done. Explore this country, that's what she said. Engage at work. Be open. Be less serious.  I'm grateful for... - Making friends with Fer, Chris and Andre - Deciding on Alpi 4000 with Andre - Having social connection today and tomorrow - My health physically, emotionally, and mentally

 Sad, and also relieved, I didn't know you could be both of those things, but you can apparently. I ended it with Justin. Relationship dead. I told him forever and he agreed. H reacted upset but I don't think he was. H was still mad that I didn't agree with him about giving money to his wife to babysit. We definitely disagree on that one. He also said that he doesn't want anything further right now, which hurt. He was so sure. Maybe he has someone else, or maybe he is just really hurt by me. He sees me. Knows I will do it again. So, there it is. We ended it for good. No more contact. Chapter closed. It was a long chapter too. I didn't lose 3 years though. I could have been with other men, I think I just lost a friend. I will give now and it will hurt. Because he was a good friend. I gained a lot with him. I had a good transition. I had a friend during hard times. I had hope for love and a relationship. I had company. I had someone who loved me. I had someone to talk...

I couldn't find my car. I searched all over. Everywhere. Couldn't find it. Patty helped me. In the middle of it there was some kind of war going on, and I wanted to work out. I was in the book at some point. Waiting for an attack. In a meeting to discuss how to prepare. But, the car was what I remember the most. I couldn't find it in the mall. Then, someone said at a cafe that I did take it. I thought it was stolen. I am pretty sure this is my subconscious telling me what I feel because I may not get extended. I don't have control of my career, or what's next. Not a good feeling. I did find the car though. Maybe that says something. Let's see what Kavita says on Friday. Or, if CHOPS can be extended maybe I will go for that. Buy me more time. I am lost. I know I have a year and a half, but still. New profession? Do I want to go through that school. I can seem myself shifting, but I would lose my identity. Nurse and EMT and 50, or continue on managing teams. I...

I went to the tarot reader yesterday. She spoke fast. It was good though because she validated a lot of what I've been thinking. Here are the things I remember. - Prepare for when this job ends. Either with learning or job searching. It will be hard so prepare now. (look at schools). - Check your thyroids and blood. Something might be off there. (call health center for panel order). - Your mom is ok, she's strong. It's your brother that needs help. (call Nito more). - Do the masculine activities you like. Hard things. Climb mountains. (sign up for some more mountains, Tim). - The nurse idea sounds interesting, but it won't be your source of income. It could be added to it.  - This is your year. Stay put. Don't travel too long. Maybe one trip for fun. This is your year for love, family, friends. (don't take home leave - stay in Ecuador)  - Wait until May to get a dog  - Your love with Justin needs to end (end the relapse) and then more opportunities and men will ...

I was lost in my dreams. It was some beach, lots of beaches and I went swimming. I was also kidnapped so I couldn't got far. I wondered knowing I had to go back. Marcela was there too. Poppy was there. He found me. Didn't say much, just "I know" when I told him I got lost. I wonder if this has to do with Justin. Having him in my life again can feel a little restricted. Like, Elizabeth said, I will end the relapse when I'm ready. I might be ready soon. Maybe the dream is telling me I'm ready. I'm grateful for... - Life - Justin - Lorena and Patty  - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally  Dreaming of being kidnapped and lost often symbolizes  feeling powerless, losing control, or being trapped by stress, responsibilities, or relationships in your waking life, reflecting anxieties about losing autonomy or loved ones . 

 Get it out, Anni. Get it all out. Ugh I had a rough day yesterday. Not for any reason in particular. I'm just confused. Confused on whether to go out with Edwin, confused about Justin. Angry at myself for falling in the same routine. Saying no when I'm scared and saying yes when I just want comfort. It's a vicious cycle I can't get out of. I justified my way out of going out with Edwin. It was easy. He has roommates, he works for a tour company. He's a nomad. He's not secure or steady. But, I also assumed all that with one date, didn't give him a second chance. I feel like I'm back where I started in DC when I was still talking to Peter. Why do I do this? Do I even want a relationship? Am I scared to lose my freedom, my comfort, my early nights, my independence? Or am I just not ready yet? Today will be different. I will get up, get dressed, go for a ride, push myself, come back, and start a new day, I will tell Elizabeth everything even though I feel s...

I am following the plan Felipe gave me. Not sure I like it, but here we go. Another day of rest...grrrr. It's ok though because I think I need it. I am tired. And, I can go to the gym at lunch to break up the day a little. I see the proctologist again today and not excited. It still bothers me. No blood, but bothers me. I'm tired. I said that already I think. ready for the weekend. I got to bike with Caro and Fer yesterday which was cool. I feel like I'm making friends now. I like it here. This could be home actually. I could continue to work here. I hope I can stay with peace Corps in some way. I'm not ready to leave. And I don't have to yet. I decided not to go out with Edwin yesterday. I didn't really feel like he wanted to, and was trying to fit me in. I hate that. I'm better than that. I deserve better. Plus, he's never here and I don't need that right now. Not the pattern I want.  I'm grateful for... - Love - Connection - My health physical...

I'm pretty exhausted. My body was really tired yesterday. So much so that I just wanted soup. And I couldn't do anything but lie down. Fatigue. Headache. Yep, someone overtrained. That's ok because I got 10 hours asleep again today and feel rested. I will not ride today, though. I will go for a walk or something. No riding, Anni. No riding. Just chill. Relax. Be with yourself and enjoy life. Do something different. You had a good run this holiday. Don't ruin it now. What can I do with my time? Rest, call someone, go for a walk, read, rest again, maybe swim at my pool. I miss swimming. Maybe a walk in metropolitano. Yeah a walk sounds nice after coffee and a lazy morning.  I'm thankful for... - family and friends - one more rest day before work - listening to my body - my health physically, emotionally, and mentally

Happy New Year, Anni. I am so excited that I am in a good place this time. It's been a while. I've had some tough years. Enjoy the downhill. You have friends, you live in a place that feels like home, you have a great apartment, you have a beautiful view, you like your job, you feel connected to your family, you are in great shape physically and mentally. You are happy. You are happy, Anni. Let's just take a minute to celebrate that. It's been a long time coming. Too long.  Goals for 2026... - Health Focus: vitamins, HPV test. calcium, strength training for bones - Love: Find a partner or let him find me - Family: Stay connected - Friends: Stay connected and say yes more - Adventure: One summit and one Bikepacking trip  - Spiritual: Find meaning, read, write