New Beginnings

I went to Fer's house for thanksgiving yesterday. Cris, Vi, Fer, Caro, and mi. Yeah they are my people. Active, cyclists, down to earth. Hopefully I can continue to connect with them. I would love to have friends like that. Today I will ride and then get everything together for this ride we are doing. Not sure about it really. Let's see if my body can handle it. I think it can. Yesterday I had another accident. This time, Ruth came out of nowhere. She was out of it I think. The pills maybe. Anyways, I left my bike at the shop so we will see if it's ready by Tuesday. If not, I have the litesepeed. Good thing about having lots of bikes. I had a good day otherwise with the massage and dinner. Sahana says that I released a lot of tension in my scapula area. That's where I carry my stress. Oh stress. I've been thinking a lot about my next thing. My next job, move to somewhere to call home, maybe a business, maybe buy and sell something. It's a lot but it feels like t...

So I am doing the bike trip to Loja a lot sooner than I thought, Wednesday. I think I am ready. My knee feels ok. I will try to ride today and see how I feel. And tomorrow. I know my body. I need to ride this weekend. Monday and Tuesday I will rest. Wednesday adventure starts. It works out since Friday is a day off anyways. Then, I am not that rushed with Panama. I ma going to ride today, but with the altitude I should probably cut it short. And rest. I will go to the Friendsgiving thing at 5.  I was reading a blog that said "find your happy place and move there (eventually)" Meaning that your environment is everything. I don't know where that is right now. I thought maybe Panama but it's not. It's not here just yet. It's not Florida. It's not DC. Maybe out west somewhere. I want to find it so I can settle there. A place with good place for cycling, adventurous people, mountains or hills, water, good weather. Small town feel. Not a city. Asheville. I'm...

I am back from my visit to St. Pete to see family. It was a whirlwind as always. At first I get upset then I adjust, then I get a routine. Then it's time to leave. Gosh I have done this my whole life and it doesn't get easier. I am a creature of habit and I like it that way. I just want to stay in one place after Ecuador. One town where I can bike, and swim, and hike, and be around like minded people. Away from Florida. I got to spend time with mommy and Patty and Lorena, and a little with everyone else. That was my trip for the year. It's a lot. I ate a lot of sweets too. Coping mechanism perhaps. I biked though which was nice, and I had Marcela's house to myself. That was perfect. As for family, I will continue to be close to Patty and support mommy. And be there for anyone else if they ask. If they reach out. I don't chose my family, but I can chose who I get close to. I am not homesick now. Just full of sugar, lol. Time to get back into the routine. Prepare for ...

Yesterday was interesting. We had the retreat, it didn't go that smoothly but it went. People talked which is the most important thing. We talked about values and I talked to Majo who said I was treating her differently. Very similar to how Maria Cristina felt. Very similar to how I treated her because I was annoyed. I was annoyed by Majo and she called me out. Awareness. It was a great thing because now I can work on that and it won't get worse. I've loosened up as a leader. I have become more me and less of how I should be around this culture. I need to breathe, know when to rest, and maybe take some classes on active listening or empathy. I think it's important for me as a leader because like Majo said, people are watching and my voice is powerful. I need to go back to how I was in Panama. Kind. Patient. Calm. I feel abrupt, direct, quick. Work in progress, but thankful she talked to me especially if others are watching.  I'm grateful for... - awareness of what I...

I had a hard dream last night. Poppy. I am still not over how he treated us. How he treated me. In the dream we were at the beach and Marcela had me try on a bathing suit. Before that she said would you rather me use this other person who is skinnier because of poppy potential comments and that the suit was small. I looked at it and got changed. I came out and poppy and everyone else was there. He nodded and made a face about my legs and to go inside. I guess I should be proud of myself that I got in the suit anyways. And I don't remember being that upset in my dream. If he were alive I would confront him more. Or explain how much it hurts. Or simply make fun of the situation. But, he's not and the dream was clear. It was poppy. He was embarrassed. He was critical. It was wrong. I am going home Thursday and I am sure some of this has to do with that. Anxiety about being judged. I am in a different place now though. I care and respect my body so much. It's my temple. My savi...

Well, here we are. Monday, again. I will be ok. I will heal soon. I just need to make it until tomorrow. That's three days. I am not sure what happens then as I can't bike until Thursday but let's see. I will walk here after this. And then at lunch try the gym. I'll have time. It will be ok. I am actually looking forward to going home. It will be nice to take a break and see everyone. Mostly just to play every day by ear. I need that right now. I also need to remember what the podcast said yesterday. I am where I need to be. Tomorrow isn't it. Yesterday isn't it. It's here. I enjoyed yesterday. Went to the artisan market, listened to a podcast, walked, got a massage. Rested. It felt necessary. I was here.  I'm thankful for... - My healing process - My health physically, emotionally, and mentally - Ann as my co-worker - Sonja and connecting with her yesterday - Patty and how much she cares about me 

I fell off my gravel bike going to Nono. I just can't catch a break with that gravel bike in Ecuador. I think I might sell it or keep it for when I am in the US and can do more gravel riding that's real gravel. Yes, it was disappointing, but I am grateful it was just stitches. It could have been worse. And like Claude says, accidents happen. I wonder if this is the universe telling me to slow down again, too. I have been tired. I have been biking a lot. Maybe there is something I need to pay attention to that I'm not. Something I need to dedicate time to that I'm not. Whatever it is I hope that I get that sign. Show me what that it is. Lead me there. In the meantime, I have to remember that it was a small fall. The hospital visit was easy. I can still walk. I can do more in 3 days, and I can bike in 7. So be thankful. It's ok. Rest will be good for me. Embrace it. Eat well. Get a massage. Walk. Do your puzzle. Go to the market. Breathe.  I did call Justin. Well I wr...

It was a tough week. I'm tired. Tired of stupid issues. I think I will be ready when I'm done with this job. I know I will. Ready for what I don't know, but not this, Ecuador work culture has been tough. Little know it alls. Ann is good to have around but man is she emotional. She carries a lot. I am glad I can support her. Two volunteers were moved because of mental health issues. Hopefully they will be happier now. Staff pulled on my leadership strings too. I can feel insecure when they ask me things like what's my vision, or making decisions without me. It's exhausting, but I care less than in Panama.  As for Justin, that's fading. I am getting a little more clarity. He wasn't right for me. We weren't right for each other. I still love him, and miss the comfort of talking to him every day. I don't know if that will end or not. But, I need to stay open for my person that will hopefully come along soon. I haven't really wrapped my head around ho...

I had a series of weird dreams yesterday. I even had dreams remembering other dreams as if they were real. Like Steven asking me to meet him somewhere and me flaking because I was nervous. I replayed all the times I did that and could have missed out. Not sure if it is because I thought I did that with Justin. I didn't. I tried. Many times. It just didn't work, and that's what I need to remember. It didn't work for either of us. Now I just need to focus on adventure and connection. I will sign up for the volcanos. cycling Ecuador with Chris, riding to the coast, visiting Sonja in Panama, going to see family, maybe gravel fest. It will be a busy time. Busy and fun.  I started the gym yesterday. I will give it a shot. Not super convinced, but who knows. Still not sure if I want to do pilates or not again. I have a reformer here that I want to sell. Maybe I can keep training here until I sell it. I don't want to deal with the nonsense and chaos of those classes, but th...

I wrote to Justin yesterday and told him I needed more time. He responded, I understand. That was it. He also responded 3 hours later so he may have been on a date or in an appointment. Probably a date. His brain works differently. It bothers me that he could have been on a date. Which clearly means that I need more time. That, and I'm still ruminating. Still idealizing. Still don't want it to be over. More time. That's all I need. I'm grateful for... - Being strong with not talking to Justin and breaking this pattern this time - Getting to see Sonja and Matthias in December - Life and getting to live - My health physically, emotionally, and mentally - Going home next week

It's Monday, again. I'm tired. I want another day off. I aways do on Mondays. I think I need a real break. Not just a week. Maybe I will take home leave this year. I need to. After PST. Go somewhere for a month. Be at peace. Enjoy the scenery. Have a routine. Buy a place. Learn something new. I will definitely need to learn something new. I could take my R&R next time for PBP if I am still here. I need this break. As for xmas, gosh I always end up here. I can do the climbs. It will be uncomfortable and cold, but adventurous and different. Or I could travel around Ecuador on my own. It would be adventurous, but lonely and not structured. Or I could try to ride across Ecuador. On my own. I will talk to Elizabeth about it on Wednesday.  I still think about Justin, too. It's not a lot like before, but still wonder why he called it quits. What I need to remember is that I was going to. I was going to, Anni. I had it planned. He knew that maybe too. It was obvious. And becaus...

I am still sick. Not feeling great. Hopefully I will feel better soon. I don't think it's covid, but definitely a cold. Congestion. at least I am not missing out too much during it. I can still do stuff, just really tired. I will go with Fer today for a ride to Nayon and then with Ruth for a walk and lunch. I should get out. It's important. Connect. Not just stay on my couch all day. Need to push myself to move more on that front. Connection. Priority. Make connection your priority. You need it. You need it right now. Beautiful places don't do it for me anymore. Because they don't bring me comfort. Connection does. I felt connected to Justin. I don't know why. Maybe the constant communication. Maybe knowing he cared about me. He cared about the details of my day. That's what I miss. Friends don't do that. I didn't feel alone. I felt like I had my person. He was my person. I don't understand how he could just quit like that. I guess I did, but he ...

I'm sick. At the tail end I think. Time to rest, for the rest of the day. Just rest. No massage. No work. Just rest, Anni. Galapagos was nice, but hard because I was sick. It's great to be back at home. Now I think about how uncomfortable I am being comfortable and bored. It's almost like my mind needs to be calmed by physical exhaustion. And I know that.  I'm thankful for... - Patty - Sonja - Being back home and getting to go to the Galapagos - My health...physically, emotionally, and mentally

Patty didn't get the job. Poor thing. I feel so bad for her. She needed that. She deserved it too. Anyways, I had coffee and a walk with Ann yesterday in parquet Carolina. It was nice, but she just needed to vent. I am always there to listen for everyone. But noon listens to me very often. I don't talk either. No-one asks. Ok I know that sounds like I'm the victim, but it's true. No-one asks. I don't like giving information, either. So I did that, I also did a ride with Alfonso, which was nice. He is quite the simple guy. Nice, but doesn't talk much. People probably say that about me. I'll do a ride today, not too long. Not the airport, after that death. Maybe Guangolopolo. I spent the afternoon yesterday at home. I was bored a little, but ok. I connected. Today I have fisio and then massage. And I need to pack. I am still not decided about the volcano trip. I need to think that one through. Just Cotopaxi would be a good start, but then again it would be goo...

I had a romantic dream with Alfonso. I think I am reading into him wanting to ride tomorrow. He just wants to ride, Anni. Stop chasing. Just let it be. Be yourself, and connect. See where that takes you. Let things come to you. I do have to reach out more. Fer, Alfonso, Ann, Gaelle. I don't always have to wait for them to reach out to me. Fear of rejection maybe. Who cares. New friends. New connections. What I need right now. I am riding with Alfonso, and don't know what to tell Ruth, I feel bad canceling, but I also need to hang out with other people. It's important. I could tell her I don't feel good, but then I might see her. I could just tell her the truth, but then she won't rely on my again. Three hours isn't a lot, but I can ride tomorrow. even if it's a short one. As for Justin, he reached out again and I called him. Of course we talked for an hour, and I told him we need to honor the distance. So, hopefully that can happen now. Again. No more callin...

We went to Quisapincha yesterday on the bike. I am still figuring out my pains so I felt slow and unmotivated, but we finished and it was 7 hours of riding and 3 hours return so it was a long day. I connected with Fer, which was good. Maybe she can be a new friend. Then, Justin called and I called him back when I got home. Maybe I shouldn't have. But I did, and it was fine. We talked like friends. I was able to share what was bothering me about him maybe lying. He said it wasn't true so I will just believe that. I don't have feelings for him. I don't think I ever did. I think I just liked the idea of him, and wanted it to work. But, Kat was right. he was bringing me down. Last night I had a dream he was stealing from me. He tried to steal my credit card from Banco Guayaquil and I knew he was doing it. I went to the bank and they described him and showed me the camera for identification and that they didn't give him anything. I cried and they consoled me. Maybe he is...