New Beginnings

 - He lacked ambition, and that was rubbing off on me - I wasn't attracted to him, felt forced when I was (alcohol).  - He was a follower. Lacked back bone - He didn't have a steady job - H lived with his mom - He wasn't eager to learn (even when it was free) Spanish to college - I didn't know how he made money - He was lazy, sat by pool with Smirnoff  - He slept late

I can't remember my dream again. I need to start writing them down as soon as I remember. Wait, I remember being with other women. And we were at some restaurant. We left and I had to go back to grab my yellow hoodie, and when I went back I saw that they had left their clothes too. I grabbed it ll and left. As I was leaving some guy acted like he knew me. He said he saw me on the bike and that I knew his hotel room if I wanted to go back. I went back to tell my friends and Marcela said she slept with someone.  I had another hard session with Susanna yesterday. We dug more into the possibility that I could have been sexually abused. I don't want to create a story, but she seems to believe that all signs are indicating that way. I don't remember though. I hope my dreams reveal something.  I ate a lot yesterday, or a lot I didn't need to. And I feel bad about it. I had coconut flakes and almonds and a salad for lunch. It wasn't that bad, but more than what I am used to...

I had dinner with Melissa and Vic yesterday. Me and Melissa are getting along so well now. She's changed. If I would have seen that when it was time to extend or recommend her I would have done things differently. But, she was the same then. She changed recently, and that's great for her. But, she still hurt me. She still made my life miserable at work. I learned from it, but it was painful. I didn't deserve it. So, I am glad she transformed. She matured or she got help. Now I can enjoy my last months in Panama. Vic mentioned something that stuck with me. She said sometimes you just need to move and shake things up for a different energy to bring you what you want. For me it's love. Maybe Ecuador is it. I know I said Panama was it last time. But Panama was to heal. And I did. It was to continue learning from accidents and bad relationships. It was to understand what I want. That's why I came back to Panama. I will remember Panama in that way. Where I started my eati...

I dreamt my car was stolen. Well, it was almost stolen at first, but I caught the person. He was sitting in the back with 2 other people. He was shy, passive, unthreatening. I took my car back. Then, I had a long day at work, It was a good day. Productive with meetings with Mike and the Ambassador. When I walked outside at night, the car was gone. I knew right away it was him. 

I haven't written today yet. I believe I am officially in the depression phase with Justin. I think acceptance comes next. The difference this time is that I have feelings of depression, I'm not depressed. I miss how much he made me laugh. God I laughed so much with him. I think I can get to a place when I enjoy my single life again. Get ready for Ecuador, it's happening. And I am allowed to miss him. To feel sad. To feel empty a little. It's ok. Now I know how much I crave romantic connection. Or is it connection in general. I loved having him around. I hope to be distracted this week and weekend at home. I will probably want to talk to him more. I miss that. He was so supportive. I hope he's ok.I know I will be, eventually. I feel like my heart is heavy right now. And that's ok. I loved. I can love again. Just take one day at a time. One hour at a time. One week at a time, like Patty said. See how I feel in a week from now. Next Sunday.  I'm grateful for.....

I missed Justin a lot yesterday. I also had doubts. I think that's normal, but Susanna says that nothing is set in stone. So maybe I just give it more time. No need to react right now. Breathe. And start doing what she said, imagining him on my insurance, in my house, meeting my friends. Am I proud or embarrassed. The  latter. He is a good guy, but I know I can do better. I want someone who has their stuff together. Maybe he does and hasn't told me. But, I don't think so. H wouldn't live with his mom if that were the case. It was intense yesterday with Susanna. She seemed to point at me being sexually abused. I don't know if that is the case, but it could be. She is good. I can't remember my dream last night now. Something about a pool. We were swimming and there was kayaking, and I was drinking lots of water. She thinks that maybe I was a witness. That maybe I saw it happen to someone else. I don't know but it could be. Dinner with Mercedes and Carlos was n...

I saw Kury yesterday. It helps when I meet someone else who is single with no kids. Refreshing actually. I want to stop reframing that story to one full of freedom and adventure. To make the most of this time until I do find the one. I know he is out there. I had another weird dream last night. I was with some kids on elevators I think. Patty may have been there. We were going to see if there was a snake on a rock in the murky water. It was there and then went in the water. We all ran as if it was after us. I've been sad today, started the morning missing Justin. I miss the intimacy. The closeness. And then I missed our talks. I laughed so much with him. And then I tried t think of things that were wrong to make me feel better. It didn't work. I do love him. He may not be right for me in all the ways I could want, but I do feel like it is and was love. I didn't feel this with Peter. I definitely didn't feel this with Matt. So what do I do. Let this wave ride? I know tha...

I keep having dreams of Marcela and Nito, and Papi. I don't remember last night but I know who was there. I think Marcela was mad at me. I wonder if it's because of the drama between them. I rode with Marcia's team again today. First day back after 2 months. It was nice to push myself again, feel part of something again. So, let's just see how it goes. I missed Justin last night, and I still think of him. Part of me wishes I would have given it more time and another tells me to trust that I made the right decision. The thing is there were things that bothered me. He didn't have a job, he lives with his mom, he is sometimes too frugal, he didn't have friends. That one stuck with me a little. Why didn't he have any friends. He never talked about anyone but his kids. For someone who has lived in the same town for his whole life you would think he would have a group of old friends or new ones. That seems like a red flag to me.Either way, maybe I can be his frien...

I had a disturbing dream last night. It was pretty awful actually. I saw it all. Some guy was chasing us, me a woman and a man. The guy attached the man and started humping him sexually. The man played along and turned him over and acted like he was into it, and then grabbed the girl and ran. Then we were standing in front of the elevator and I said, what if he shows up when it opens. He did. Peter was there again, watching everything. Quietly. Mysteriously. He even went to visit me and then was trying to leave early because it wasn't great, he made an excuse to go back to Mary. I am not sure why I feel chased. or maybe I experienced a near miss and didn't even know it. I rode with Ricardo this morning. My back still aches, low back and hips. We talked most to the time, connected. We talked about relationships, Justin. I miss him. This is day one of not talking. I go back and fourth on if this is sabotage and just a wave of fear where all I needed was space, or was he really no...

I had a conversation with Justin yesterday about not talking. It started with the stories that we make up after reading Brenee Brown. Then, somehow he brought up how he does think about if we should talk again. He has done this a few times. And talking does make me feel a little weak or like he is just talking because he worries about me. After talking it was clear what we need to do. He brings me so much comfort that it will be hard. It will sting. But, it may also show me that it's time to connect with others. Fill that whole with something else. Get back to being with myself, and enjoying it. I can't remember if I did before or after Justin. I think after. The story I am making up right now is that I was only happy when I was with someone. But, that's not my story. My story is that I need to let Justin go so I can make room to find that person that is meant for me. That I love myself. As for Justin, I know he says that I have things I need to work through. But, that is a...

My back hurt again today, and I am trying to not think about it. Instead I am focusing on what I can control. I went to Spa Deportivo and it made me feel better. One, Carla greeted me. Connection. She knows me. She showed she cared. The fisio helped me relax a little and told me it is tension from over use. Makes sense. I haven't been giving my body much rest. I think it has been asking for it too. I have been tired a lot. So, here we are now. Resting. I also ate less when Justin was here. Not good, and probably a contributing factor. So, what is going on this mind now? I finished my vision board. I have similar goals than last year. And I have worked towards meeting them. I still need to work on food. And supplements. Getting there. I missed my flight to go home so I will go Jan 26th weekend. It will be good to see family. Then Carnaval. Then maybe something in March. Then Japan. Then Ecuador. I have trips to look forward to. I still think about ayahuasca. I still think about what...

I had a dream I was in mommy's jeep going down a windy hill and couldn't break. I almost hit the side of a mountain. I think this was a sign that I couldn't go. Maybe I missed something bad happening. Or maybe there is something good for me here. Regardless, I decided to cancel so now I have the long weekend. I need to give my lower back a break. Something seems off. It aches so I think I need to listen to my body and just swim today. It is probably the muscle imbalance.  I'm grateful for...

I had a dream that I was with a friend, and we got romantic. We were with the DCM, and I tried to hide it but I couldn't help myself. I kept hugging him and getting close to him. At the end, he said that he liked that I could be a tom boy and want connection at the same time. Want connection. That's exactly what I want. That's what John said he wanted when we were in San Francisco. That's what we all long for. The questions is do we always need to get it from a romantic partner. I can get connection with friends, and colleagues, and family. But, it is different. I know it is. That feeling of wanting to be close to someone. That feeling of knowing they want the same thing. I had that with Justin. But at the same time I didn't. He wanted it more than I did. And if I am being honest, I used him for that connection when It was convenient for me. I miss that feeling, not him, I want that feeling. I am ready for love. I'm grateful for... - friends - getting a great pe...

I talked to Justin today. It was sad. I feel sad, and empty. Like something is missing. Is it him, or the space that seems to always be there. Haunting me. Asking me to fill it. People come and go to fill it, so do hobbies, sometimes work. But I want love. I want someone I can get excited about. Justin wasn't him, but I wanted him to be so bad. I liked being loved. I liked being cared for. I liked how attentive and caring and kind and nice he was to me. But I need to know that that exists in other people. It is more common than I might think. It is out there, and I will find him. He will find me. I just hope I'm right. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to find someone that is kind, and loving, and sweet, and funny, and that I am attracted to. I will find it. Or it will find me. Stay hopeful. Change your story. I am enough. It will happen. And until then, no-one died being single. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Enjoy it like you did before. Freedom, routine, say he's more. Go out more...

 Here is to a year full of love, happiness, health, connections, and adventure... - Colonoscopy - Calcium and strength - Pilates - Cycling Japan and Colombia - Ecuador - New connections and relationships - Visit family  - Floss - Graduate from IIN