New Beginnings

I'm incredibly bored at work. I think about that though, About Andrea and what she said about Ayahuasca. What Kat said. Look at what's around you. Embrace that. Instead of looking round for other things. I need to sit with that for a moment. I could be more engaged at work. I could start planning the program plan design. I could visit Volunteers. I actually might try to do that during cultural week. I could organize something with the trainees. I could start my pre-requisites for nursing school. I could look up schools in North Carolina. I could invest my savings. I could write my book. I could do more, I need a fire under me that's all. But, I don't always need chaos to step up. I can step up now. Today. No more procrastinating. I'm grateful for... - Life and getting to live - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - My job  - Hope to meet my partner when the time is right  - My friends and family 

I'm good. I feel good. Edwin wrote me yesterday mentioning his injury. Torn meniscus. Not good. No hard feelings. I think he might think I don't like him and used all that as an excuse. That's not true but I don't need to tell him. What's done is done. No hard feelings. Moving on. And so will he. Work was good yesterday. I felt energized. Ann is low, feels defeated. She gets so intertwined in this Marco thing. He wasn't wrong. I get it. I do the same in meetings. Her ego got bruised. But, Ann is so emotional sometimes with these things and gets affected. I think space is probably better. I gave her space yesterday. Steven wrote me yesterday. I will write him back. He actually seems like he would be a good friend. Stable, smart, good heart, good head on his shoulders, healthy. The kind of men I want to be around. Now I focus on nursing school. Saving money. Building muscle. Adventure. Connection. The rest will follow naturally.  I feel like I'm on the right t...

I'm better today. I feel good about my decision with Edwin and how I handled it. His response of hmmm....that was unexpected just confirmed the guy he is. Not a bad guy at all, just with different intentions than me. And that's ok. I will find that man one day. Just not now. I talked to Andrea and Jenny and Sonja about it. They all agreed. I am breaking a pattern. I am saying no early. I am on the right track. The Esther Perel podcast hit home too. A 26 year old woman was on it and it sounded like me. Couldn't feel like herself in relationships. Driven to be perfect at her hobby. Abusive dad but she understood it wasn't intentional. All of it. My goal is to be myself in my next relationship. I felt like me and calm with Justin. I don't know if that would have been the same if he were here though. Living here.  I had a dream my knee was injured. It hurt to bend, but I could run when my doctor asked me to. It was something with my scar from stitches, like an infection...

I'm sad, but proud of myself. I told Edwin I didn't want to continue seeing each other because we want different things. I feel like I attract unavailable men. I do, and that makes sense. I had to earn love as a kid. I had to earn it with Peter and Matt. Justin felt safe but he wasn't the right one. I want safe. Not pressure, or trying to be someone I'm not. Someone that respects me when I say let's slow down. He wasn't any of these things and I know that I would just get hurt. It's not fear. It's knowing the pattern and breaking it. Be easy on yourself. It didn't work out this time. There will be more opportunities. There are lots of men out there that would love to be with me if they met me. I just need to be patient and open. 

I went on my second date yesterday with Edwin. It was a mistake to go to his house. I now understand why he wanted that, though. I don't think he would have wanted to go out anyways. We didn't even talk 20 minutes before he kissed me. He gave me a tour and we went to his bed. He was persistent. It was a dumb move on my part. But part of me wanted to be close to someone again. A big part of me. So we kissed. A lot. He's such a good kisser. I was reminded that I can be passionate about someone again. I still have that spark in me. I am capable. I wanted that with Justin and Peter, but nothing. I had that with John, but he didn't want to commit. I can't seem to get it right. Edwin doesn't want a relationship. I think he made that clear. He wants to travel the world. Be present. Undecided about being with one person. I get it. I don't get that mindset for 47, but I get it. The thing is I know what will happen if I continue to see him. We will be casual, have cas...

I had a session with Elizabeth yesterday. It was good. It's getting better. I still think about what Jenny said about finding someone who can help heal my trauma. We don't go deep, but that's ok right now. Eventually I will have to find a way to heal this wound. She is a problem solver like me. We talked about Justin and how I did try to have the separation and it didn't work. I tried. We failed. He called. I called. But after talking to Jenny yesterday and seeing what Tim is doing to her I am more sure I can't talk to Justin. I hurt him. I played games. I was unstable. I think he finally realized that. That I was damaged in some way like Jenny thinks of Tim. I don't want to be friends with someone who thinks I'm hurting them or did. It could also just me simply what Elizabeth says. He just wasn't the right fit. So simple. Regardless, I am clear now. Done with thinking about being friends with Justin. No more of that. Let's see how I feel and where I...

I had a dream I missed Guangopolo. They came to my house, we started late. I kept having to get stuff. Then, last minute I went back upstairs to tell Ann and Robert (my boss) that I was feeling sick and was going to be late. I went back down and they were gone. I was upset. I think with this Ambato trip I canceled, I'm feeling like I am missing an opportunity. That's been bothering me. But, if I do go I will feel like I missed an opportunity to see Edwin and do well in the 200K. I Willa always be missing out on something. Trust your decisions, Anni. I'm grateful for... - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - My job - Family and talking to Susi again

I talked to Peter yesterday. It was triggering when he talked about Mary, how she was living rent free and saving money and makes a lot of money. I was jealous, not of being with him but of them. I always pictured myself with someone successful. Where the two of us would be well off with out kids. I don't know how likely that is now, but I still have hope. It could still happen. I hope. I could use a partner, someone even like Felipe that is as crazy as I am. Where we go on trips together. Adventurous. That is more important than successful. As long as he can stand on his own feet. Not like Justin who was lost and followed me around like a puppy. Not like Peter who was lost emotionally and not sure about me. He needs to be sure about me wherever he is.  I don't think I will go to Ambato. I want to see Edwinn instead, and be well trained for culebra. I want to do well. Ambato will be ok, but I'm kind of over that group. They gossip too much, and I am not that into it. I can ...

I feel lucky. I have my family. Sisters that love me. Patty as my best friend. Life. Friends. A great job. A place to live that's nice. y health. A cyclig community. Financial security. All that is missing is love, but that's ok. I don't know if I'm ready sometimes. I need to heal more I think. There is something missing. Something I'm not remembering. Marcela reached out yesterday reminding me of my friend Annie when I was like 6. I don't remember much. I was that age though 5 or 6 when teh healers tell me I was sexually assaulted. I wonder where that was. She had lots of brothers. That I remember. They were playful. I am adjusting to teh altitude again. Headache. I am thinking about Ayaguasca again. Maybe this is my year. Let's see what Andrea says. If she has a good session maybe I will consider it. I think it might be the healing journey I need. I'm grateful for... - Life - Friends - Financial security - Family - My health physically mentally and emo...

Well, I did it. I proved myself wrong again. I have to remember this. Push myself because it always turns out ok. It was great to see Andrea and Jenny and we got closer. I had my space. I was able to bike. I know they judged me for it a little, but I don't care. I needed space for 10 days and I was preemptive about it. I biked almost every day, which is not what I expected. The start was a little weird getting used to their habits, like Jenny's slurping and how they both eat with their mouths open. I don't feel so bad not doing the race either. In the end, I got to do a great ride on my own and they only were 3 hours. Galapagos was fun. Scuba was amazing with all the sharks and I wasn't nervous this time. I was reminded of when I tried to scuba with Peter. It was bad. I couldn't breathe. I was having the first signs of my breakdown I think. I know. That was August and I broke down in November. Only a couple months after that. The hip pain when I got back did it. I w...

We are in day 3. Jenny and Andrea did the race yesterday and I rode. It was a nice ride. I really did enjoy it. Safe, pretty, rolling hills. The best part was I that I was riding and I had my space. This trip feels a little like work to be honest. I don't feel relaxed at all, yet. Hopefully I will in the Galapagos. The truth is I only feel relaxed when I am riding on vacation. If not it's all logistics. I know that, too., This is different because they are here. So, I just need to Make the best of it. enjoy my time with them. And learn from it. Next time make it shorter, or go somewhere where I don't have to host.  It's funny too because I haven't been around people like this in a while. Justin was my only practice, and he was a good guest. But, I am noticing that it wasn't just Justin. It's everyone. Jenny eats loudly, so does Andrea. Just laying next to Jenny watching that movie was so annoying. She smacks her lips. At dinner she slurps her soup. Justin di...

It's 5:15. I woke up early again. I always do. I spent a lot of time with Andrea and Jenny yesterday. It was ok. I still can't relax or disconnect but I think that's because I am still in hostess mode. Yesterday was just ok. They didn't appreciate the Centro historio that much and dinner was a bust, but Jenny picked it. Today we will hike and then go to the race. I will ride there on my own, which is fine. I could use the space. I am going to bike today, probably the trainer. I don't need to ride outside today. I really want to go to the bathroom. I am off there for some reason. I think it's because I'm stressed. I can't relax. Relax, Anni. This is your vacation too. They don't care if I bike. I had a dream Marcela was leaving and I was busy trying to date two guys. Was funny. They were younger than me and not promising. I want to date someone. I feel ready. I think. I hope Kavita doesn't push on Samoa. I don't want to go. I don't want to...

Ok get excited. Jenny and Andrea will be here tomorrow. I am not excited. In fact I feel the same way I did when Justin came. Maybe it wasn't Justin after all. It's me. I'm the damaged one that doesn't know how to share space. That gets excited until it gets close. I wouldn't feel this way if it were Patty. She wouldn't care if I biked either. Either would Sonja. Maybe it's just finding the right breaks. I am noticing that I need cycling. It masks something. It calms a part of me. Like a drug. Interesting part is it is cycling with people that I crave. Not alone. I could also see it as a passion. I could research others that have this dilemma. I could see it as a good thing. A form of exercise. A passion. A desire. A reason to live. A positive drug. I looked up a blog post from last year when I talked to Kat and found this. Bingo.  We talked about how I am different, an alien in a way. And that I have a high energy usually that's hard to keep up in this ...

I should stop scrolling so much. Maybe give myself a limit because it's healthy to a point. 5 minutes. Just like when I was googling my injuries. It stopped after a while. It worked. So there it is. 5 minutes. No more scrolling after that because I need that time for other things. More productive things. I had a nice relaxing day yesterday. It was good after Saturday's ride to Cayambe. I felt ok, but I think I was tired. I woke up and didn't really feel like riding. Then, it was raining and Fer and I went back and fourth and eventually decided not to ride. Sonja called, which was nice. I have so much energy first thing in the morning. we talked about my health business idea. I think I'm going to learn more. Get a certification. Take a course. Get a credential. I love learning about health. Like Sonja said, I love talking about it. I always have. Health and exercise. So there it is. I will start doing that during work hours. Build my side hustle in the next two years. I ...

This bible thing is not working. I don't think I want to keep doing it. It's just attracting weird people. And I am tired of first dates, not wanting to adjust my schedule to meet them, it's weird. I just want to meet someone naturally. In my daily life, at work. Run into someone and feel a spark. At the embassy. Just somewhere else. This is exhausting.  As for this guy Remco, he seems nice but I'm not in the mood. I don't want to skip swimming. Let's think about it on my ride I guess. I hate that feeling of what if. What if I miss something he will say. I know there won't be a future. He lives in the Netherlands, but who knows. He could lead me somewhere. It comes down more to what do I want to do. That's more of the question. Start there.  I'm grateful for... - Life - Love and hope for it - My conversation with Peter Friday - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally