New Beginnings

I went to Sicolochoa yesterday with the embassy group. I wasn't a fan. For one, it rained. And, then I felt kind of judged for not having a family. Saying that out loud sounds sad. But, I have friends. I have a life. I have a great job. I have an awesome hobby that takes me to cool places. So, it's ok. And, it's not too late to have a husband. Or even a partner. It's not too late like Esther says. It can still happen. I just need to stay open and bring dating into my life. It will happen. The guide also made me mad. He said he knows I was angry and bothered but we have to slow down. I wasn't angry. I was cold. He attacked me, at least it felt that way. I probably had my serious face on, because I was cold. It definitely put a damper on my experience. Jerk. I didn't feel like I was with my tribe. I've heard it from other people so that's ok. Embassy community not my tribe. Next. I'm grateful for... - not being bored yesterday and getting outside - my ...

I am in the same pattern I was in with Peter. Me and Justin are talking every day. Every day multiple times a day. I feel the same way I did with Peter. I knew he wasn't right, but I felt a comfort. I felt a dependence. I feel that now with Justin. Like I need to talk to him all the time. And I have a little hope that I didn't quite lose him yet. It made me feel better yesterday though that he told me there was no hope. f course, it stung, but at least now I know. It's over. I listened to that podcast yesterday with Esther. It was so scary how much that woman sounded like me. Just like me. Dating someone where you have the upper hand. Wanting to be seen. Lonely inside. Fearing rejection. Prefers long distance. Prefers distance. It's all me. Justin taught me this lesson. I need to break the pattern. I need to venture out. I don't know what that looks like really. But, I know it doesn't look like talking to Justin every day. Or every time I get lonely. Maybe it...

I think I am getting dependent on Justin. I'm spending a lot of time talking to him. More than when we were a couple. I wonder why that is. A need to be close. A need for a partner. Addiction perhaps. I need to pull away a little. We are friends. That is what I decided. So, as friends we can talk once in a while. Maybe I can try skipping a few nights of watching a show. I have a routine, and I am engrained in it. I need to switch it up a little. Maybe try something else at night. Or maybe try watching a show on my own. Something has to change. I am who I am so I can manage the finding a goal part. What I do need now though is more connection. More people to hang out with. I need to let Justin go to do that. If not, I don't know if I am following what Kat suggested. He is still holding me back.  I'm grateful for... - life - my health - having a day to myself at home yesterday - my job  - family and friends

The Ambassador is leaving. Makes me sad. I really enjoyed workin with him. I started networking. I will meet with him, and maybe Mike and David for security positions. I'm not in a hurry, especially now that I'm safe, but I could use some job security. Maybe DC, find a man, buy a house. Or stay here for 3 years, and find another overseas position. I could do that easily. Maybe now I just need to enjoy Ecuador. Not think ahead so much. I have some plans. Events. I can visit Volunteers in Oriente and Galapagos. It will be great. I need a what next. Something. Another degree. A house. A side business. A dog. Something. Please come to me. Bring me an idea. I have been here before, in Panama. I needed a What Next. And it was Ecuador. I want a life when I'm older when I don't need a what next, but I also want to use these 2-3 years to build towards something. To build towards that what next. A home. I need a home I can rent for now.  I'm grateful for.. - Justin still bein...

I need something else. I need a side hustle. I don't know if that's education, or a business, but I need one. I need to sink my teeth into something else. Something scary at first. Something I can get excited about. I thought about the social worker masters, but not sure. Maybe that's the direction to take. More school. Something I can do while at work of the next 2-3 years. Then I would spend less time bored at home. Think, Anni. Think.  I'm grateful for... - Allison being in touch with me - Mommy telling me stories about their past - My job - My health 

I keep having dreams with Justin. This time we had sex, I wanted it. Susi and Marcela were around, I skipped working out because my knee was bothering me. Justin went for a walk. We were a couple to everyone. maybe I miss him. Maybe I miss us. Maybe I just miss the idea of us. I think that's it. I miss the idea of having someone. Of having someone who supports me, who cares about me, who doesn't mind that I bike. Who loves me. I miss that. I will have him as a friend. Is it me that just won't let them in? I am starting to think that. I am starting to think that maybe I am so avoidance that I can't be with anyone. I need to get that out of my head though. It's not true. I'm lovable. I can be with someone. I just need to trust and set boundaries, and know that the right person will come along when the time is right. Right now, just live. Be adventurous. Try new things. Be curious. Say yes. Throw yourself out there. I'm grateful for... - my freedom - life - my ...

My therapist wasn't that helpful yesterday. I was hoping she would just think that I was not into Justin and nothing was wrong with me. But, then she bought up sensory overload or over stimulation. I don't think it's that either. This pull and push affect is something else. It's trauma, it's seeing validation from poppy and maybe mommy, it's fear of getting hurt, it's fear of losing my freedom. It's my attachment style on crack. I will take her advice though, and try different ways of meeting people. Like Kat said, throw yourself out there. I can do that more. Not sure how, but I can try. The real questions I why don't I want to. What is stopping me. Comfort in being alone maybe, but then I get bored and sad when I'm alone. It could very well be that I am just simply scared. Scared to get close to people. Scared to get hurt or not be good enough. I am good enough, though. The reality is that I am. So, let's do that. Justin decision made. Now,...

I had a dream of being with a kid again, this time she was a baby. I needed to dress her and hold her. I liked it. I think I would have been a good mom, a great one now after doing all of the work. Yesterday Peter said we could have had been married and had kids. Maybe he's right. A different life. Or maybe I could have had that with someone else if I didn't meet him online. If I didn't stay in contact with him in Panama, if I didn't get back together with him in PNG. I was attached. And I didn't let anyone else in. Who knows where I would be now. That's ok because now I am happy. I have savings. I have a great job. And I can still meet someone. He was trying to convince himself that he needed to jump and make the decision to get married or he would never do it. I don't know if that's true.I am still a hopeless romantic and want to be excited about getting married. I want to be excited about moving in with someone else, So, I will attract that. I will ho...

I finished watching Adolescence with Justin yesterday. I wonder what we will do now. Will we watch something else, or stop here. Will we keep calling each other. Is that ok? I think so. We are friends. But, does he? Maybe I should have that talk with him. I don't need boundaries. I miss him. I want to talk to him every day, but because it's a habit. All my focus has been going to that. How will I focus on something else if I keep talking to him. I don't know. I just don't know what I need to do right now. I like the comfort of talking to him. Is that ok? Or is this a situation where I need to get out of my comfort zone. And there it is. Avoidant Attachment style. That's me. could that be why I pushed Justin away. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just not into him. Or maybe it is what this says. I pushed him away because he was becoming reliant on me. I was carrying him. Maybe that's why I like him more when he shows me he has initiative and drive. But, it could b...

I'm going to Ibarra for the weekend. I think it will be good for me. I need to process everything with Justin. It's a lot. In May it would be 2 years since knowing him. Since talking to him every single day for at least an hour or two, sometimes more. I got attached like Jenny said. It's my attachment style, maybe his too. We weren't right for each other, but we still depended on each other. Sounds familiar. I did the same thing with Peter. Life is so hard sometimes. And I am lonely, but I don't have to be. I have people here I can reach out to. Erika, Cecilia, Ruth, Freddy. I still want to make friends with people in Audax too. I don't get attached to friends. So why with men I don't know. Maybe I will meet someone someday that I am not attached to. I'm grateful for... - My health - My fitness - Hope for a full recovery with knee - Life and being alive - Friends and family

Justin is leaving today. That was a good call. He needed to leave today.I really can't imagine him staying longer. I just can't. He will be a friend. Just a friend. I don't know if I will miss him, probably not. I will miss the company, the show watching, the phone calls, the comfort. But, Kat was right. I need to stop carrying him. I need to let him go. She also said to climb mountains and to get a dog, and try spiritual healings. I might try Cotopaxi, and maybe get a dog. Today I will spend the day with Justin, and will try to enjoy his company. For a while.  I'm grateful for... - my health and hope to stay healthy - my job - friends and family 

Justin is sick. He slept on the couch. Nothing seems to be going right on this trip. I hope he doesn't get me sick. Then I wouldn't be able to go on the trip this weekend, again. Let's see. I will take immune pills and vitamin C. If I'm sick I will know soon. The lack of initiative is definitely a value that I can't live with. Good to know for the future. He just waited for me to make dinner yesterday, again. Granted he wasn't feeling good. It's funny too because when it does happen I appreciate it so much. Like when Patty was living with me and visited. She made dinner and I appreciated it so much. It's so simple, and like night and day. What's the deeper issue is the question. What is behind all this. Not wanting to carry or do everything. Mommy with poppy perhaps. Not wanting to be mommy. so I did learn something from this relationship. I learned that initiative is a value of mine, ambition. I learned that it's better to be alone than to carry...

I finally told Justin that I wanted to be friends. He finished my sentence and said he felt the same way. I am mad at myself for letting this go on for so long. I am angry for some reason. Angry and letting myself believe that he was someone I could end up with. For only seeing the good things. The not so great things definitely came to light this time. For one, the denial set the tone. I was disappointed, mostly because I wanted him to be the person he wasn't. Successful, ambitious, driven. And then yesterday, oh God. I asked him to take care of dinner and he dragged his feet like he always does. Then, he tried the app again that he knew wasn't working. I had told him that it was getting late and he ignored me and said he was watching his show. Then, he fumbled with it until I finally came in and ordered. I am glad I ended up making my own thing too. I blew up on him, which I feel a little bad about. He was annoying me so much that I had to say it. I had to tell him that he al...

He's here.  Came in last night. He's big, has gained weight. Reminds me of Peter when he let himself go. He got big, and started smoking. Of course I would lose attraction. Especially when he didn't even like himself. I haven't heard from him in a while. I wonder if he's married now. I won't be. I am not feeling very attracted to Justin right now. And his jokes are getting lame. He is nervous maybe. He isn't for me, though. Kat was right. I need to let him go. But, I can enjoy his company for now. Enjoy having someone around. Someone to eat with. Someone to talk to. Because life has been quiet here, and lonely at times. I give him 2 weeks. Then he will want to go home. Then I will need to male a decision. I should give myself 2 weeks too. I'm grateful for... - my health - company for next week or so - being able to sleep last night - Ruth  - famil

I ate too much dried fruit yesterday, and my stomach is feeling it. I am gravitating towards that again. That, and sugar, which could be affecting me too. Today I start again with no refined sugar. Justin will bring twizzlers, but I will hold off for a bit. Once a week. I have to get rid of this comforter cover. It reminds me too much of mommy's and poppy's cover. Of mommy. Not in a good way. In a weird way. In a way that makes me sad. Poppy being sick. Mommy being sick. Mommy being sad. I don't want this comforter in my room right now. As for Justin, well he got another denial letter. It's weird, but it almost makes me standoffish with him. Like I don't want to be close to him now. Like he lots his attraction. Not sure what that says about me, but he's coming today and I'm not excited. Maybe it's because deep down I know I need to let him go and maybe I was holding on to him being in flight school, or using it as an excuse to stay with him. It's dif...

I had a dream susie daughter, I think, was kidnapped. It may have been someone else, but the little girl went missing and we figured out that she was most likely kidnapped. It all means the same thing, feeling vulnerable and fear of losing control over a certain situation. My job. I don't know what will happen with Peace Corps and I don't have a plan B. It could happen. I could end up being abruptly fired. I could have to quickly find a place to ship my stuff. Find a job. It would be challenging, but I would get through it. Maybe that's where I should start. Where I would live. I would have to get a place, or rent one somewhere cheap and active. Maybe Idaho or Colorado. I would need a job eventually, but I don't think that will come quickly. I should start thinking of where I would live. I don't really ant to go back to the states. I like living overseas. But, I would have to pick a place. Not Florida. Not DC. Not California. Maybe somewhere out west. I don't kn...

I am heading to Carchi today with Epic Rides. I am excited to get away for 2 days. I need a break form Quito, from Sierra Moral actually. I never leave this neighborhood. Maybe when Justin comes we can see more of Quito. Go to the park. It will be great. Yesterday, I told the girls I my boyfriend was coming. It felt weird. I don't know why, but it did. I almost didn't say that, but then I realized he is. And I need to own that. I hope it stays that way when he comes. I want it to work out, I really do. I'm grateful for... - Being able to ride - Justin coming soon - Mommy telling me I made her feel better yesterday - Talking to Susi again